One

Ryka is a servant girl from the northern realm, Whitehaven, has been captured and taken to Redfort near Torenth.

8 months had passed since Ryka was taken from her home.

Redfort was now her home. However, the felt like everything but a home. From the great grey stone walls that blocked out the sights of the forest and mountains to the knights all wearing royal blue capes. This place was as much her home as butterfly’s home was in the ocean.

 It was not fair to her, she was finally getting her life together. She was making up for the wrongs of her past. But perhaps this was what she deserved. Ryka was sure the others did not deserve this though. She was the stubborn one, the one who often got herself in trouble. She was not a Lady and could never be a Lady, she learned that much back at Whitehaven.

The realm of Whitehaven was controlled by great house Engstrom, it was one of the last great free-realms. The Engrstom line could be traced all the way back to the first settlers of the North. When Whitehaven fell, so did the world. Whitehaven was a symbol that a Realm could be free and separate from other Realms. It was a symbol of hope. But King Bolton crushed that hope.

 The world is now in ruin, the peace that once filled the earth is no more. Men became wicked and greedy, power was the only thing that matter. Power was all that the Bolton’s of the Realm of Torenth wanted. And they have gotten it now, many lives destroyed and the world in ruin. How can lives be put together after this thought Ryka.

They will call this the Great War some said. She did not understand what was so great about it. After the Bolton’s brought ruin to Whitehaven she did not care what they called it. When the White Castle fell, the rest of citizens of the Realm had no choice but to swear fealty to King Bolton of Torenth. Torenth then became the capital of the great country Tal Galen, bringing the 4 Realms under his control. Whitehaven was the last Realm in Tal Galen to fall. They captured as many people from the White Castle as they could and brought them to Redfort to serve. Redfort was a stone castle that was part of the original Realm of Torenth, close enough to the capital but far enough away where things could happen without King Bolton’s knowing. Ryka was brought here to be a servant; she cleaned the Knights’ rooms, helped cook and serve food as well. Some day she would cry as she thought back on her dreams and realized that her life was over now. She was a young girl, just coming into womanhood at 18. But she had no dreams anymore, no hopes. Her hope was to go home, but home no longer existed.  The knights would tell her that they should be grateful that King Bolton did not behead them for being traitors to the crown.

 

Ryka had got used to her knew circumstances enough, it was a knight outpost. It was needed as battles were still being fought all though the war was all but won. The ground was muddy, the castle dark cold stone. They skies were always grey and light rain always seemed to be falling. Ryka had been taken from Whitehaven along with a few other people who had a craft. Most notably was the blacksmith.

His name was Gaeth, he was a man in his  early20’s who was tall, broad and muscly. Ryka had come to know Gaeth best of all the captives; they had been tied up together on their journey to Redfort. He seemed to be dealing better with the circumstances than Ryka was. He was a silent though, it seemed. If he felt anything he sure hid it well.  Nonetheless, she talked to him the most and he knew the most about her. Gaeth had a sense of humor to him once you got to know him. Every once in a while, a smile would break across his face and Ryka could not help but smile back at him. He was practically her only friend now. The only person left that seemed to remotely care about her. And she might have been the only person who cared about Gaeth, except those interested in a hand crafted steel sword.

However, it seemed that one knight took an interest in her. He treated her more like a human and less like a dog you command to do things for you.  

 

The soldiers name was Risley. He was older than Gaeth, only by a few years, but not taller. Risley also had longer hair and some facial hair.  Risley seemed interested about Ryka’s life in Whitehaven and if it was truly as wild as they said it was. Risley said based off of Ryka, the North could not be that wild. She was not some untamed wildling cannibal like people said the Northerners were like. Ryka told Risley how the Engstrom’s were honorable people not wild folk. Life was tough in the North; winters lasted half of the year. She told Risley how she was an orphan and soon took up thievery to live. It started out with small things but then she started to steal things from the castle, from the King. One day she was caught and brought before the King and Queen. Ryka was unequivocally sorry, the King forgave her and saw that she had no parents to guide and teach her. The King made Ryka a servant of the house; she would take care of his wife and daughters. He also allowed her to study with his daughters; that was where Ryka got her love of knowledge. However, she forgot to mention a few things to Risley. Things that Gaeth knew but Risley did not.

 

Those things she would not tell Risley. Risley only really talked to Ryka in passing or as she was at the well or in the stables doing chores. Sometimes he would offer a hand in her chores but she always refused. If she was not the one to do her chores then she would be punished as if the chore was never done. Their friendship was not like hers with Gaeth. Still, who was Ryka to deny a friend? Friends were hard to come by here at Redfort.

 

Ryka was at the well during midday. The sun attempted to break through the clouds but it was a losing battle. It always was. She placed her bucket on the stone ledge of the well and peered in. The well was high due to all the rain lately. Spring was upon them and the heavens were showering the earth with enough water to feed all the waking trees of the forest. Ryka could make her reflectiong out. It had been so long since she had seen a reflection of herself that she almost forgot what she looked like. But she was certain this was not what she had looked like in Whitehaven. Her face was slender and drawn; it showed the tiredness that she had been trying to fight. She had become thin and almost fragile. Her blue eyes had lost the glitter they once had. And her raven black hair had grown longer but almost more unkempt. It knotted easily and was almost always in a braid. This was not Ryka anymore, it was someone else she was convinced.

Suddenly another reflection appeared in the well water, it was Risley.  When Risley approached her he was clad in his silver armor with  a navy blue cape with a black serpent on it. The drizzle that had started sent raindrops slowly rolling down his silver armor. The colors of House Bolton of Torenth were navy blue. It was never easier to see those colors and it was even harder to see Risley wearing them. How can he be one of Bolton’s men? Ryka believed that all those who served Bolton were evil, just like all of Bolton’s men believed people from Whitehaven were untamed. Risley did not seem to fit her image of what a sworn man of Bolton would be like. He lacked the anger and tenacity that the men who over took Whitehaven had.

 

Ryka pretended to not notice the knight. Risley cleared his throat as to announce his presences. Ryka turned around  and then he smiled softly. “I’m going away today.” He said in a manner of fact way. Ryka placed her pail on the stone edge of the well and looked at him. “Where to?” she questioned him bluntly. “I’m going to the North, there hass been tell of outlaws and strange happenings. King Bolton says Whitehaven needs more men.” He informed her as he walked closer to her. Ryka did not know how to react, what if those outlaws were her friends? What if Bolton needed more men because he wants to raze it to the ground?  But she then started to speak without really thinking.  

“How can you serve him?” she asked in almost a cold manner. She turned back around to face the well and the wooden pail. “He’s an evil man. He cares no more for you than he does for me. He is a selfish greedy man.” Ryka always had a problem biting her tongue. Some said it was unladylike to speak your mind, especially if no one asked you too. People always told her that no one cared what she had to say. However, Lord Engstrom told her that one of her best qualities was her honesty and truthfulness; it was a sign of bravery. But Ryka did not feel brave here. The wrong words or even a wrong look could get you punished. She had learned that the hard way the first few days here. Gaeth was the one who told it was better if she did not say anything, the quite ones never got hurt.

Risley  just sighed. But he did not answer the question right away, perhaps it was because he honestly never thought about it. Why did he serve Bolton?  “I suppose it is because I was born in Torenth, it was my home. And I serve my home Realm and whoever wears the crown. Why do you serve Engstrom?” he threw back at her. But Ryka was ready to answer. She was used to serving no man but herself, but she saw where her greed got her. “I serve Engstrom because he has more honor than all the men of Torenth. He is not greedy and he holds truth above all else. He would never make a decision that would benefit him but harm the Realm. He is everything your king is not.” Ryka told Risley in a calm and calculated way. It was a question she thought about very often and knew what to say when asked it.

“Well then, I suppose you have more reason to fight than I do. But duty is duty; it was what I swore to do. Serve the king or lose my life.” Risley said with a soft smile, it seemed forced almost.

However, Ryka could not be that mad at him. He was sworn to his duty, did she want to forfeit his life and be labeled a turncloak.

“Take me with you then.” She said in a desperate manner, it was written all over her face.

“Ryka…I cannot. A lady does not belong in the company of knights.” As he said the words he reached out for her hand. Confusion crossed her face, they might have talked from time to time but they never actually touched. Her stomach knotted, she was not sure what she was feeling. His hand was larger than hers but it was gentle and not rough.

“Please, tell me then, why do I belong here? I am in the company of knights here, I serve them here.  Please let me go home, I don’t belong here.” She said as she squeezed his hand, she could feel tears starting to come. But she would not cry, she was not weak. Crying never got you anywhere, it only made people pity you and Ryka did not like pity.  

 

“There’s nothing for you in the North, Ryka. Your masters, they’re probably dead. You know that. I’m sorry I cannot help you.”he said in a pitiful way. “The road is dangerous; you are more protected here than you think. The Lord Commander Edgemont won’t be with the knights, what do you think they’ll do to you then? I’m only one; I can’t protect you from a 100 or so.”Risley was truly sorry that he could not bring Ryka with him. He wanted to help her but could not. He was Bolton’s man and she was Engstroms’s woman. That is just how it was. Her face dropped and she let go of his hand, the warmth instantly left. Ryka looked hopeless, she felt hopeless, and she was hopeless. Risley felt like he was digging a hole here, it was not supposed to happen like this. It was not really how he pictured it. He thought she’d be sad he was leaving, pray for his safety and anxiously await his return. Risley moved closer to her and used one of his fingers to lift her head up to look at him.  

 

“It is safer for you here. Once the battles have ended and there is peace, I will make sure you return safely to your home.” Risley told her, trying to be as kind as possible. Rkya just nodded her head as her grey eyes looked away from Risley and down at her muddy worn boots. Ryka was starting to believe she’d never go home because there would never be peace. There would never be peace as long as the Bolton’s were in charge of everything. As long as they desired power there would be no peace. Risley gently kissed her forehead and left, Ryka never looked up because a tear streamed down her face. She was broken.

And with that thought, they parted ways. Risley rode off in a group of 100 or so men all clad in the colors of house Bolton on a chestnut mount.  As Risley left, Ryka was left feeling as though a part of her was gone. And even more determined to leave Redfort.

Author's Note

This is just the first chapter. It's a little slow. Keep in mind I'm just starting out writing and it is more for my enjoyment.

Reviews

[R.V.Hemington]

SK,

The setting is established well enough without being overdone. Points for that. Since it's a first draft, I won't get into the finer nit pics. I will mention three things that caught my eye and you could keep in mind for further writings.

1. Your writing is quite rich through out the story but I find an imbalance in places. For example, there are dialogue tags that are far too overly worded while some sentences are lacking and could be built up to improve character development etc. Here are some examples of each:

- “Where to?” she questioned him bluntly. (overly worded)
- “Take me with you then.” She said in a desperate manner, it was written all over her face. (overly worded)

- “Where to?” she questioned him bluntly. (good balanced, but I would say Ask rather than question)
- What if Bolton needed more men because he want(ed) to raze it to the ground? (good balance)

- But she had no dreams anymore, no hopes. Her hope was to go home, but home no longer existed. (could have more. So much opportunity to establish more emotion and dimension to the character)
- She was broken. (I couldn't really feel it for her. More can be added before to make this statement stronger when it arrives. Simply stating that she missed her home and felt for another because he was kind, wasn't enough.

2. The bold text? Might I assume these are part of your working notes? Bold shouldn't be in a manuscript unless it's creative formatting that supports the story. Eg. "Blindness" put all the paragraphs together as support for the theme.

3. The blocks of text mixed with dialogue is a bit hard to get through sometimes. Perhaps separating it more.

All in all, I hope for more dimension to the important characters and a little less "tell" in the beginning of the chapter.

As for the slowness others have commented on , I'm going to sit on the fence about that. High fantasy is hard to build up in the beginning. With using our world, there's a lot we can avoid describing but with a story like yours, there's no choice but to establish everything and that takes time and pages. On the other side, you could solve the dryness but adding just a little action here and there. Maybe a small inciting incident? Maybe a flash back with more action and less description?

I hope some of this helped and feel free to use or ignore what you wish.

Good luck,

RVH

ps. I agree, writing for enjoyment is the most important.

[Russ Smith]

I quite enjoyed it, I really like your description with the settings you gave just enough without over doing it and the wording you used was amazing.
The character names were a great choice and easy to pronounce. People say try and steer clear of having your main characters names starting with the same letter, but I feel it worked well in your case.
I found the story quite easy to follow and understand once I got a few paragraphs in.
Look forward to reading more, good work keep it up!

[Madeleine R. Spalding]

First of all, I do like the title of your story, but the third book in George R. R. Martin's Game of Thrones series is called 'A Storm of Swords.' Of course, your title is a bit different, but my immediate association with the title 'The Song of Swords' was the Game of Thrones book 'A Storm of Swords.' As these are popular books, I would think that others might have the same association. I would suggest coming up with a more original title. However, as this is your rough draft, the title is not the most important thing you should be focused on right now. I just wanted to point that out to you.

Watch out for run-on sentences. Examples: "The realm of Whitehaven was controlled by great house Engstrom, it was one of the last great free-realms"; and "Men became wicked and greedy, power was the only thing that matter[ed]." Also, there are some other spelling and grammar issues. I'm not going to point them all out (unless you'd like me to), but if you go back and reread, you should find them.

You do a good job with the naming of places and people. A problem that can happen with fantasy is that it might be easy to get carried away and make the names difficult to pronounce, but there isn't that problem with your piece. I especially like the names of the characters: Ryka, Risley, Edgemont.

I look forward to reading more.

[Matthew Standiford]

It is a little slow but setting up pieces and just getting your legs under you always is. You did a good job of fleshing out Gaeth, Ryka and Risley enough to make me care and see where they go. I'd definitely read more.

[Madalyn Beck]

It is a little slow, like you said, but I feel this has potential and would love to read more!