Just Keep Breathing: Chapter 1

I stood staring at the lifeless body on the ground. This isn't real. My nightmares had always been so vivid, it had to be a nightmare. Yet, the blood running down my face felt real... I reached up carefully and felt the cut on my forehead, it hurt like it was real. I turned and looked back at the car, no this isn't real, I'd wake up soon and see that the car is still in one piece and sitting in the garage like always. I took a deep breath and turned back to the body again, waited for something to happen. That's what happened in nightmares, you turned back around and the body lifts its head looks at you and says some weird comment about something thats going on in your life. I heard sirens in the distance, why would they be coming though? This is only a nightmare, nothing more. I stood looking at the body patiently waiting for it to tell me what it needed to say, it wasn't until I felt the lone tear drop run down my cheek that I realized just how real this nightmare really was.

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2 Weeks Later


Whispers followed me up and down the hallways, no one knew what had actually happened but there were plenty of rumors as to what it was... Some claimed alcohol, others said drugs... they were all so wrong. Yet no one was brave enough to actually ask me, I couldn't blame them though. I wouldn't know what to say to me either. Teachers avoided calling on me in class, my friends pretended not to see me when I walked by, even my mother would avert her eyes when she spoke to me. At Lane's funeral no one would even stand near me, everyone blamed me for his death. I stood alone in my itchy, black wool skirt shifting uncomfortably in my heels the whole time while his parents stared me down. I tried to apologize to his mother and tell her how sorry I was for her loss, but when I opened my mouth nothing came out. Her son was dead because of me, what could I possibly say to her that would make that better? So I turned and walked away. Away from the accusing eyes, away from the ominous casket, away from Lane. Now here I was getting books from my locker while the entire school talked about me behind my back and death glared me everywhere I went. I contemplated faking sick to go home, but I dismissed that thought quickly. Dealing with my overly quiet mother who normally had an opinion about everything would be way worse then dealing with the people here.

I slammed my locker shut and turned to head to class, suddenly my books flew from my hands and scattered the floor. A hush fell around me as I looked into the cold eyes of Maggie Wales.

"You should start watching where you're going Ava..." Maggie said raising one of her perfect eyebrows, "you could kill someone." She walked around me kicking up my papers and scattering them further as she went.

I felt tears threaten my eyes as the whispering voices started up again. No one offered to help me, in fact most acted as if they didn't see or hear anything. I took a deep breath calming myself and leaned down to pick up my things, I was almost done when I caught sight of something that made my heart skip a beat and the tears that had been threatening me spill over. I picked up the picture carefully as if at any second it might catch fire and burn away. It was from our Halloween dance the month before, Lane stood next to me in his batman costume. My friend Stacy had called our names and snapped the picture as we turned to her. In the picture we were both in mid laugh, any other time the picture probably would have looked awful but somehow it fit our personalities and worked.

I closed my eyes tightly from the pain that consumed me and wished with everything I had that when I opened my eyes he'd be kneeling beside me. He wouldn't be there though, Lane was dead and it was my fault.

The truth is a strange thing, since its based solely on facts alone it can easily get lost in translation. For example, it is a fact that Maggie knocked my books out of my hands in the hallway, it is a fact that I cried in the hallway after I found the picture of Lane and I, and it is a fact that I was the only one who was there when Lane died. So as it spread around the school later that day it seemed that the truth was I'd thrown my books at Maggie when I saw her in the hallway, proceeded to pull out the picture of Lane and yell and cry to anyone who was in ear shot about how I killed Lane and didn't care what anyone thought. You see how that works? A simple thing is turned into this monstrous performance thats easily believed by anyone, especially since its supported by all those little facts. My point? The truth sucks.

I thought being ignored by everyone was the worst thing that happened since Lane died, but I was wrong. Being ignored had benefits that I was unaware of until now. The whispers that I'd grown accustomed to, turned into full fledge bad-mouthing to my face. Some called me a b***h, some called me a murderer, but I don't think any compared to what Lisa said to me...

Lisa had been my best friend since I moved to town in the 3rd grade, we spent every summer together having slumber parties and visiting the community pool. We'd tried out for the cheer-leading team together, and had been rejected together. She knew everything about me, there had never been a secret between us... Until now. She, like everyone else now, viewed me as a leper as treated me as such. As I grew closer to her she stepped out from behind Sara Matthews, and for a second I felt a glimmer of hope that there really was still someone who believed in me. I smiled slowly coming to a stop in front of her and held my breath in anticipation.

"Look at that Sara, murderers really can still smile." My breath came out in a whoosh, and the bit of hope I'd been feeling sank away. Lisa tilted her head to the side as if she was studying me, "Keep walking Ava, you aren't going to find sympathy from anyone here." She pushed past me, knocking my books out of my hands for a second time that day. This time though, instead of bending down to collect them up, I kept walking passed the on-lookers, through the double doors leading out of the school, and down the road. I wasn't sure where I was going, but anywhere had to be better then back there.

Hours seemed to pass as my feet moved me forward step after step, soon I found myself standing outside the cemetary wall pushing me towards him. My whole body yearned and ached for him to be here to hold me and tell me he'd never leave my side. I hadn't been to see him since the funeral but I found it almost like I'd been coming here everyday for years, yet only 2 weeks had passed by. I knelt down beside his marble tombstone and traced the letters of his name with my finger.

"I'm so sorry Lane, I never meant to hurt you." I choked out between sobs. "Please come back to me. I love you."

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I sat there until the daylight turned into night, I couldn't believe the stars could still look so beautiful even though Lane was dead. Shouldn't they seem dull and lifeless now to match the way I felt? It didn't seem fair that they could still sparkle when his green eyes couldn't. Forcing myself to my feet I glanced once more at his white headstone, it looked so pretty under the moonlight, I took a deep breath and shuffled as slow as possible toward home. I didn't want to face my mother tonight, I didn't know if I could handle the side ways glances and meaningless questions.

As I walked through the door my mother came barreling down the stairs fury written all over her face, it was the first real emotion I'd seen her express in 2 weeks and as ashamed as I was by it, I felt the slightest spark of happiness to see she really cared. "Where have you been Ava? Do you realize what time it is?" She continued on like that for several minutes stopping every so often to let me fill in the silence with an "I'm sorry" or an "It'll never happen again" until she was fully satisfied.

Lying in bed later as I replayed my mother reaction in my mind, a very appealing and rather dangerous thought found its way to me... For weeks all I had been wishing for either A: Lane to come back, which I'll admit didn't seem likely or B: My mom would care again... and I had at least managed to do that all because I stayed out too late...

Author's Note

I hope you enjoy, please let me know what you think!