A different kind of love

Aspergers Syndrome. Some believe that people with AS in incapable of feeling love for another person. Here is the story of two eighteen year olds called Zoe and Zane

Zoe

“Look at this”, my dad lays his arm around his Sabrina’s shoulders like the proud man he is. He kisses her cheek, making Sabrina smile.

I look at the house and sigh. I’m holding the picture of my friends tight against my chest, almost feeling like they were here with me.

Moving isn’t that bad. But leaving your friends is.

Since dad and my step mum Sabrina married a couple of months ago, they wanted to move closer to Sabrina’s family. So we moved here, to Leeds, with Sabrina’s ten year old son Jackson and seven year old daughter Tony. Her real name's Antonia but she hates it with a passion and therefore, no one is allowed to say anything else than Tony to her.

“Zoe, you can choose room first”, Sabrina smiles. I guess she's trying to get on my good side since moving here is kind of her fault. But there's nothing to worry about, I do like Sabrina.

“Thanks”, I give her a smile back and hurry into the house.

I walk up the stairs to the much bigger house than our old one. The whole house scream’s dad. He’s into this artsy thingy and collects paintings. The paitings he likes aren't even nice. They're ugly, but I guess that it's his thing.

I choose a room on the second floor after looking into every single one. I choose the nicest one of course, I'm a bit of an egoist. It has a view over the park and lake and my walls are in a cream color.

There’s already a bed leaning against one of the walls. I’ve got a desk, a big walk in closet and a wardrobe.

I guess it’s amazing.

I looks the picture of Michael, Sonia, Alex and Tiff and smile. I miss them so much already. My best friends, my other family that has helped me so much.

“What do you think?”, Dad asks me. I turns around and shrug.

“It’s nice”, I try smiling a bit.

Dad sighs and stands in front of me.

“I know it’s… different and that you miss your friends…”, he places his hands on my shoulders. “And I’m sorry for dragging you here. But I really, really love Sabrina and I believe this will be good for us all.”

I nod and smile. I don't want him to feel bad for this. I know this will be okay eventually even thought it doesn't feel so right now.

“I get it”, I say. “And I think this will be okay. I’ll like it here. Don’t worry. I’ll love it here.”

He smiles and gives me a hug and a kiss on my forehead.

___________________________________

Zane

“Zane!”

I stop in my work and wait for my little sister to enter my room. She enters slowly and sits down beside me quickly, placing herself under my arm. I squirm a little. This wasn’t planned. It’s uncomfortable.

Alice never does this.

“What are you drawing?”, she asks curiously.

“I’m drawing”, I answer.

“Yes, but what?”

I frown annoyed.

“Can’t you see for yourself?”, I ask rather bluntly. She looks at me with sad eyes. I can see that I hurt her feelings and regret my words. “Sorry Alice”, I mutter.

She smiles again like nothing ever happened.

“You’re drawing a flower”, she says and grin.

“Yes”, I nod and try smiling. I know from lots and lots of training that people respond positiv when you smile at them. But it's hard to know exactly when to smile. I feel sorry for people who smiles all the time, horrible.

_______________________________________

Zoe

“Look what we got from our neighbours”, Sabrina comes in with a basket full of muffins and a cake.

“Muffins!”, Tony grabs one and eats it within five seconds.

“Hey!”, Sabrina frowns. “No sweets before dinner Tony.”

Tony rolls her eyes and skips away before she get’s another scolding. I look curiously at the basket.

“Who is it they?”, I ask.

“The Mora's”, Sabrina answers. “They are a big family to. Mr and Mrs Mora has four kids. I think you can play with their youngest daughter Tony, she’s seven too.” Tony squeals with happiness from the living room.

“Do they have a son?”, Jackson asks eagerly.

“Only an eighteen year old”, Sabrina smiles a bit.

Jackson hufs in disappointment. He can't really play with an eighteen year old guy.

“Maybe you’ll like him Zoe”, Dad nudges me.

I roll my eyes and sit down at the table. Dad serves the food that he cooked.

“Smells amazing, love”, Sabrina gives Dad a kiss on the lips. The kids groan and make grimaces. I wrinkle my nose in disgust to. It's not a nice sight.

“Gross mum”, Jackson sticks out his tongue.

Sabrina and Dad only giggle it away like some teenagers. I guess they do actually love each other a lot, which makes me happy.

We start eating in silence

“After dinner I want you to go say thank you to the Mora's”, Sabrina says to me.

“Do I have to?”, I sigh.

“Yes”, Sabrina grins and nudges me playfully.

I roll my eyes but smile a bit.

I ring on the doorbell to the Mora’s house waiting for someone to open. Dad baked some cupcakes as a thank you and sent me over. The door opens and I’m met by a boy in my own age. I look at him and freeze.

Oh my god he’s gorgeous.

He looks at me with his dark eyes, not saying a word. I can see that he’s confused by my appearance. He walks away from the door opening into his house without a word.

“Zane!”, a woman hisses. “Don’t be so rude!”

I see the middle aged woman that I guess is Mrs Mora. She has long, dark hair, like the gorgeous boy and I can clearly see that they're related. Probably his mum.

The boy looks at me again. “Hi”, he simply says, so low that I can barely hear it.

“Hey”, I say back, kind of embarrassed that his mum made him say hi to me.

His eyes are fixed on the floor. He soon sighs and walks away like he from the beginning planned to do. Mrs Mora looks after her son and then at me.

“I’m sorry about my son”, she smiles apologetically. “He’s… Well he’s a bit…”

“It’s okay”, I smile and shrug. I guess he’s shy or something. “My dad and step mum wanted to thank you for the basket so…”

“Oh, no problem”, Mrs Mora smiles. “Welcome to the neighbourhood.”

“Thank you”, I smile politely.

“And I heard you had some younger siblings, they are welcome anytime to play with my youngest daughter Alice”, she says and smiles warmly.

“I’m sure Tony would love that.”

______________________________________

Zane

Who is she? I’ve never seen her before in my life. But she was… Different. Beautiful and… I don’t know.

I want to know her name and I want to see her again. I’m gonna ask for her name next time I see her.

I know that I have no chance with her but… I want to try my best to gain her affection. Maybe if she likes me…

I shake my head and look at the paper in front of me. I can do nothing more than start drafting the lines of the girl's beautiful face.

___________________________________________

Zoe

I have these months until school starts, which is nice. I wouldn’t like to go to a new school just yet.

Mrs Mora (or Theresa) is Sabrina’s new bestie. And Tony always play with Alice, the youngest memeber of the family Mora.

But now that Dad and Sabrina starts working, I have to babysit Tony and sometimes Jackson too, which destroys my summer break. I don't want to babysit my step siblings!

Sabrina told me to pick Tony up from the Mora's at four. It’s four in three minutes so I start walking towards their house, texting with Tiff.

I ring on the doorbell and wait. The door opens and I look up. It’s that boy again. He stares at me and clears his throat.

“Hi”, he says, his voice just as low as last time.

“Hey”, I smile politely. He looks at me for a couple of seconds before looking away. “I just came by to pick up Tony”, I say to break the silence.

“They’re still playing”, he says.

His words are kind of stiff. Like it takes a lot to even speak at all. And it looks like he’s struggling with it.

“Wait inside”, he walks away again, his hands in his sweats.

His black hair isn’t covered with a beanie like the last time, it’s laying over his forehead in a kind of adorable mess.

I step inside his house and close the door.

“Tell me your name”, he suddenly turns around. I frown.

That’s a bit rude.

I cross my arms over my chest.

“What if I don’t want to?”, I raise my eyebrows, probably sounding very sassy.

He looks at me, almost upset. He looks around the room with his eyes for something to focus on.

What is he doing?

 He swallows and suddenly he rushes away without another word, upstairs.

What is with this guy?

I sigh and realise that I have to go up, since my step sister is most likely playing in Alice's room and Alice's room most likely is upstairs.

I walk up the stairs slowly and stop in my tracks when I see him again. He looks at me.

“What is it now?”, I sigh.

He swallows. “I’m… sorry”, he sighs and tugs at his hair. “I… can’t- I can’t… It’s hard to…”

“It’s hard to what?”, I ask and frown. I don’t understand.

“I have… AS”, he mutters and looks down at the floor.

I gasp a bit and realisation hits me. And I feel terrible for thinking and acting the way I did. How could I do that? Of course there was a reason!

“I’m…”, I clear my throat. “I didn’t know…”

“No you didn’t”, he says staring at me intensly. His words are kind of harsh but… I understand now. “I want you to come here tomorrow”, he says. “I want to talk with you.”

I bite my lip and look down at the floor.

“Do you want to?”, he asks.

“Okay”, I say and shrug trying to act cool. “Sure.”

“Is that a yes or a no?”, he asks confused.

Almost forgot. People with AS has a hard time reading people. I have to be straight with my words.

“Yes”, I say and nod.

He nods as well.

“My name is Zoe by the way”, I say and smile.

He looks at my lips and then into my eyes.

“My name’s Zane”, he says.

____________________________________________

Zoe

I sit down on Zane’s bed. He looks at me and sits down beside me in silence. I turn my attention to his walls. They’re full of drawings hung up with pins and actual walls are painted graffiti made with spraypaint.

“Did you draw them?”, I ask owed by the beautiful drawings.

“Yes”, he says. I feel his gaze burning into me when I look at a drawing of a little girl who looks identical to his sister Alice. “Do you like them?”

Yes, they’re very beautiful”, I tell him, 'cause they really are.

“You are too”, he says suddenly, making me snap my head towards him.

I meet his dark eyes with mine.

“I’m what?”, I ask even though I heard him. I just want to make sure he actually said what I think he said.

“Beautiful”, he says.

I blush and rub my neck. “Thanks”, I mumble.

“For what?”, he furrows his eyebrows adorably.

“For saying that I was beautiful”, I say, he clearly doesn’t understand he gave me compliment.

He nods slowly.

“I’m just being honest”, he shrugs, making me blush even more. “Why are you blushing?”

I chuckle nervously. “Because you’re making me embarrassed”, I look down at my hands.

"Sorry”, he apologizes.

I look at him and smile.

“No, it’s nothing bad”, I say quickly. “Nothing to apologize for.”

“Okay.”

I look down at his arms and see some tattoos on both of his arms He’s wearing a long sleeved shirt so I can’t see the whole sleeves of tattoos.

“You have many tattoos”, I point out. “Why?”

He looks at me and thinks for a moment.

“Because I can put drawing on my body that means something”, he answers. “I don’t like to speak a lot, so I draw and then I can have them permanently on my skin if I want to.”

“You think a lot, don’t you?”, I ask, wanting to know more about him. He’s interesting to me, very interesting.

“Yes”, he says. “But if all my thoughts came out… No one would understand.” He pauses. “I think a lot about you. You’re very different. I like that.”

I smile. “I think about you a lot too”, I admit, not seeing why I would hide something from Zane.

“Why?”, he asks.

“I don’t know”, I say and shrug. I honestly don't know why I think about him so much. “I guess you’re very interesting for me.”

“You don’t think I’m... weird?”

“No”, I say and shake my head.

He smiles a bit, making my heart rate speed up. He has a beautiful smile.

___________________________________________

Zane

Zoe comes here everyday now, always after lunch, for two months and a bit more. Sometimes Tony comes too, sometimes not.

I like Zoe coming alone. We talk and draw together. She’s good at drawing.

I feel warm inside when I see her. I don’t understand why, but I’m very happy when she’s here. I don’t think she feels the same way about me as I do about her though. I'm not very good at seeing those things anyways...

When I watch TV, I see guys buying flowers to girls. I don’t see the point to give someone plants? Who would like a plant? I see them taking the girls out on dates, which is also pointless. What’s wrong with sitting in my room drawing and talking like Zoe and I do?

But maybe, she doesn’t enjoy our time together? Maybe she wants me to… ask her out. I don’t think I want to do that. I would much rather tell her how I feel and see if she feels the same about me.The thing is, I don’t really understand what it is that I feel for her. It’s not the same as I feel towards my sisters or parents. I love them, I guess, but with Zoe it’s different. Maybe I don’t love her then?

If I love my family, how can I love Zoe too? Maybe I love Zoe a different way? In which way then? It's very frustrating not understanding my feelings.

I hear the doorbell ring, snapping me out of my thoughts. I stand up from the couch to walk over to the door. I open it and see Zoe standing there. She’s beautiful as always.

“Hi”, she says and smile.

I press my lips against her cheek quickly, taking her hand in mine to lead her in. Her cheeks go all red. Why is she so embarrassed?

“I need to tell you something”, I say as soon as we sit down on the floor, in the livingroom.

“What?”, she asks.

I look into her eyes and feel a strange flutter in my stomach.

“I… can’t say it”, I sigh annoyed when I can't express my feelings in words.

I stand up and walk to my room quickly, grabbing some drawings that I’ve made for her. I go back to the living room, sitting down beside her.

I show her the drawing I made of her first, then the one of a heart and lastly the one with a butterfly one, the thing I explained that I had as a token for things I like or love.

She looks at the paintings and then at me. I wait for her to say something, to either tell me she feels the same way or walk away without another word. I realise how sad I would be if she would do that, walk away. How much it would hurt me inside.

I know I’m not so easy to be with, and I don’t understand why she’s still coming to see me, but from what I believe she comes here for a reason.

Zoe doesn’t say anything, she just looks into my eyes. I lift my hand and caress her cheek slowly. I can hear her small breaths.

“Say something”, I whisper desperatly.

“I-I…” She looks away from me. I've seen enough movies to understand that this means no.

I look down at the floor and stand up. “Okay, I understand”, I mumble and start walking away, but she grabs my wrist and stand up.

“Wait Zane”, she grabs my hand entirely, standing in front of me.

I look at her.

“You really feel all that about me?”, she asks.

“I love you”, I say, not knowing if that's the response she wants, but that what I feel and she wants the truth I guess. “That’s what I feel about you.”

She smiles, so I guess I made her happy.

“Do you love me?”, I ask, because she haven’t said it yet.

“Yeah”, she nods. “I love you Zane.”

I stroke a strand of her hair behind her ear. “I’m not going to kiss you”, I tell her.

She frowns a bit.

“Why not?”, she asks.

“I don’t want to yet”, I say and press her hand against my chest.

She nods.

“A hug then?”, she grins that playfull grin of hers that I can't master.

“I guess.”

She wraps her arms around my neck and bury her head into my chest. I hesitantly wrap my arms around her waist and rest my chin on her shoulder, breathing in her scent.

We hug for hours, it feels like, and I don’t want to stop. It feels nice, strangely enough. I have a warm feeling in the pit of my stomach and the blood inside me is rushing.

Is this how being in love feels like?

___________________________________________

Zoe

Zane is pushing me on the swings a carefully. His lips press against my cheek, making me feel warm inside.

“Come here”, he says and takes my hand dragging me to a bench.

Zane sits down and just as I’m about to sit down next to him when he presses me down on his lap. I look surprised at his sudden need for close contact. He leans his forehead against mine.

I smile and caress his jawline, stroking my thumb over his lips. He looks almost fascinating with me. I wonder what he feels and thinks right now? There's so many thoughts he never let out of his head, which is sad since he's got a lot to say.

Does he really love me?, I wonder to myself. I believe so, because he actually shows it in his own way. Maybe he's not the ideal perfect boyfriend, but who says I want one? I just want someone who loves me and he does.

And I love him so much too. He’s everything I think about nowadays. I know this, us, will be hard because of his AS but… I honestly would do anything for us to be together. I’ll try anything.

“Can you stay with me tonight?”, he asks me.

“Will your parents let me?” I wouldn't want to come uninvited and stay the night at his place.

“I don’t know”, he shrugs slightly annoyed that he doesn’t know.

“Let’s go ask them okay?”, I take his hand.

“Yeah."

Mrs Mora said she was happy if I wanted to stay the night.

After dinner-slightly awkward but okay-we went up to Zane’s room. He didn’t even hesitate before taking his shirt off, folding his shirt neatly before putting it in one of his drawers.

I don’t know what to do?

Zane quickly changes into sweats and puts his jeans away. He looks at me.

“Are you sleeping in those clothes?”, he asks and raises his eyebrows.

I realise I didn’t bring anything else to wear.

“Um… I didn’t bring any other clothes”, I mumble.

He takes out one of his t-shirts and gives it to me.

“You can sleep in this”, he says.

He still looks at me. He doesn’t understand that staring at someone for too long can make them uncomfortable. I don’t mind anymore, I’m kind of used to it, but changing in front of him is a bit embarrassing.

“Turn around”, I tell him.

He does as I say without a word.

I change quickly then slipping into his bed. Zane looks at me and climbs into bed too. I look at him and smile.

He moisten his lips and caress my cheek.

“Why do you love me?”, he asks suddenly. “I don’t really love me.”

My heart aches at his words.

“Don’t say that”, I take his hand. “I love you so much. You’re just… It’s like… Even though you’re different… I love who you are as a person. You’re so… loving. You’re passionate and honest. The fact that you don’t get my bad jokes makes me laugh. And the way you look at me makes me so happy. You make me happy. And you’re really good looking.”

He looks at me, still not getting my point.

“You’re beautiful too, but I don’t love you because of it”, he says and smiles a bit.

“Why do you love me then?”, I ask curiously.

“I don’t know”, he says. “You’re very different too. Not like my friends. They're good, but you’re amazing. You don’t pretend that you get me, and you make me happy. I want to be amazing for you. I want to be everything for you. I’m not good at showing what I feel, but I love you, you need to know that.”

“I do know that”, I whisper, not knowing why. “And you’re already everything I want.”

He smiles and my heart flutter.

“You should smile more often”, I say admiring his lips. “It’s beautiful.”

“I don’t really know when to smile”, he says.

“When you’re happy”, I tell him.

“But I’m always happy when I’m with you”, he mumbles, not knowing how incredibly cute that is. “I don’t want to smile all the time.”

I can't hold myself from laughter. Zane watches me laugh confused.

“Okay then smile sometimes”, I say when I've calmed down..

He looks even more confused.

"You can smile now if you want”, I smile at him.

He smiles back.

_________________________________________

Zoe

Zane called to tell me to meet him outside my house in 15 minutes. So I walk out and lean against the fence. I see Zane walking out of his house. He looks at me and rush over the street.

“Hey”, I say.

He simply takes my hand and starts walking. He says ‘hi’ sometimes but sometimes he doesn’t.

“Is there something you want to say?”, I ask him.

“No”, he says. “There's something I want to do.”

“Okay?”, I don’t really get it but I’ll let him lead me where ever we’re going.

We stop by a big tree. Zane pushes me up against the tree carefully making my heart almost jump out of my chest.

“Close your eyes”, he tells me. I know that it sounds like a command but he means it as a question.

“Why?”, I ask and gulp.

“Please.”

I close my eyes, kind of knowing why even though I asked. I feel his hands grab my face, leaning my face a bit up. Suddenly I feel soft lips on mine. I shiver and feel my heart beat so fast and loud that he must hear it.

Zane press his lips harder against mine and force his tongue into my mouth. Not that I mind at all. I grab his shirt and tug at it.

 “No”, he mumbles and grabs my wrists pinning them against the tree, kissing me again. He grabs my neck again and press my body against his.

I don’t know how long we stand there, kissing until I feel raindrops on my face. Zane pulls away and looks up at the sky frowning.

 “It wasn’t supposed to rain”, he looks upset.

I take his face in my hands.

 “It’s okay”, I say. The rain starts to pour down.

 “No, it’s not perfect now”, he says disappointed.

 “Look at me”, I smile. “I’m happy. It’s perfect.”

He looks into my eyes. He doesn’t smile, but he presses his lips against mine again. We’re both wet by now but I don’t care.

I only care about the boy I love standing in front of me, focusing on standing as close to him as possible.

***

Author's Note

Sorry for spelling and grammar mistakes :(
I'm not an expert on AS, but I'm very interested in it so I know quite a bit.
And fyi this is NOT a Zayn Malik story. Zane is actually the name of a guy I know that is very nice and sweet. :)
And yeah... this is probably very shitty but it's my first story here so :/

Reviews

[Delmar Cooper]

I do not know of Zayn Malik so no fears on that part. There are mistakes in grammar that can be ignored for now. Your story is clear, and very affecting. Your story is credible for the most part. In my culture the parents would not permit an overnight, in the same bed, visit, but your story made be accept this anyway. Good job, thank you for sharing.