Life is an Abyss

Something I wrote one random night as I lay in bed, unable to sleep

Life is an Abyss. Well, my life at least. I can't speak to all of our lives.

My life is an Abyss. A dark gaping Chasm of what if, and what could be. Nothing is set in stone. There are no directions, and no paths. What you will find is a Darkness with no beginning and no end, no up nor down, no way to determine where you are. My life has taught me much, yet what I have not learned is who I am to be, who I should be. That question plagues my mind day after day, week after week, year after year. There is no way for me to decipher this mystery of life. I am who I become. Yet, who am I becoming?

I once had a plan. My entire life was planned out. The steps I would need to take to accomplish my dream, the timeline for love and marriage and children, where I will retire to, and where I will die. My plan proved to be but a dream of a child. What I have learned within this Abyss is no one can plan out their entire lives. Outside forces and unexpected circumstances will forever get in the way, deviating the path and pushing me right off it. I then have to stumble over rocks and gravel, into and out of ditches, across mountains and deserts, justify my path again.

Right now, I am on no path. I see no path. That's what my mind is telling me. Yet, I again have laid out the plans and worked on the steps to achieve what has to be a goal of my life. I know exactly what I need to do and how to do it.

Is this what it means to live? Is my life an endless Abyss of things I must accomplish? Does my life only have meaning when I'm working and working and working towards something? Am I to forever long for things that are always outside of my reach? How is this living?

I don't hate the idea of working towards something, but is that all there is to my life? I want to dream and explore and gallivant across Hills and Meadows. I want to become a knight and fight dragons while studying magic from The Sorcerer on High. I want to meet a warrior, fall madly in love, and spend the rest of our days fighting alongside each other. I want to travel and learn new languages, meet new people, and make new homes. I want to become a chef, sweat and labor away in the kitchen to make my family the most exquisite meal they've ever had. I want to build a sanctuary, a place where all the abandoned animals on this Earth have a home. I want to have a house with a giant garden, grow my own food and tend to the plants I so love. This would be living, to accomplish dreams that make me happy.

Yet, I'm stuck. I'm finding my way through life on my own, with no guidance and no helping hand. I'm wandering through this Darkness, my arms outstretched, my hands trying to find something that will show me the way. I'm building a life of my own, navigating with nothing but my mind and courage. I'm trying to figure it out, trying to find the next path to take, one that will steal me away from this corporate grade and human desires. I want to work and not worry about bills. Apply for jobs and be given chances based on my Merit, intelligence, and character. Study without feeling like the world is pressing down upon my shoulders. Cook without fearing how much money I just spent so that I can nourish myself. Make friends that won't ever have me question their loyalty. Find love that is true and honest, with no fear of abuse or deceit.

I wander this Chasm day in and day out, trying to find a way. I've not yet found it. I'm a hopeless Wanderer, forever stuck within this Abyss, hoping for more but never having it.

Life is an abyss. Well, my life at least.

Author's Note

It's been a while since I've written, and posted something. If you're still here from my early days, I'd love to hear from you, and I want to thank you. If you're stumbling across this by accident... Welcome