The Queen of Night

They say don't hold on too tight 

But wait, that ain't even the highlight

You see, I fell in love with you

Right at first sight

Right around midnight but all I saw was sunlight

I still remember that first night

I thought you'd be the one, foresight

Red light,

You left me in a twilight.

Struck me like a snakebite

Blew me up like dynamite

You are my kyptonite

I'm trynna act like everything is alright 

but truthfully, I pray for a rewrite 

But, you took the first flight

Now, I'm just trynna find you through this telescope sight

Even though, I outta know you are long out of sight

In his own right, this is all just a mosquito bite 

In my sight, it's black and white

This is my burial site

Call me the Queen of Night

You shined so bright, you were my starlight

You saved me, thought you were my knight

But in hindsight, I held on way too damn tight

Reviews

[emipoemi]

A poem with use of one rhyme throughout in a fantastic way with fantastic results. The musicality hits those 'ite''s with gusto and brilliance but encounters two small hurdles as it tries to carry over "[right] at first sight" and "way too [damn] tight". With the latter you can dispense with the "way" or the "damn" but having all three is a bit too much, is redundant, and mars the musicality of the piece. The former....it doesn't so much mar the musicality as it just makes things sound a bit awkward having two "right"'s in such close proximity to each other ("right at first sight/Right around midnight"). The second "right" packs a harder punch without the presence of the first, because the first mars its presence (and viceversa), and getting rid of one wouldn't mar the musicality at all. A similar instance of a line marring the presence of another is in the two "bite" lines ("snakebite" and "mosquito bite"). They may be referring to distinct things and also they're not so much in close proximity to each other, but they both paint the same image of something being a bother of sorts....so pick which would be that bother, and change the other to something other than "bite"....."blight", perhaps, which means disease...."plight" - predicament. Play with it. Those two lines, because they're using the same image of a bite (regardless of what kind) is a tad awkward. Other than that, this is fantastically written. Well done!

[Faith Knoll]

Thank you for the feedback! I'll keep playing around with it!

[Coyote Poetry]

Powerful and worthwhile words shared.
"You shined so bright, you were my starlight
You saved me, thought you were my knight
But in hindsight, I held on way too damn tight"
I understand the above lines. Too tightly, not tight enough or just right? Hard to know. Thank you Faith for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[C.S.John]

Impressed by how many words you found to rhyme with "night"!
I like this poem a lot, it also sounds a bit like song lyrics...:)

[Faith Knoll]

Thank you so much!