Found but Not Saved

When they think they're helping there only making you even more depressed.

             I feel like I’m falling. The wind thrashes my face violently as though I’m moving very fast; and even so, it all seems to be going so slow. It seems to me I hear screams, voices. I do not know. It is like going through a tunnel that you cannot see, but perceive as a stream of panic and fear, not yours, but others.

            The reflections of something bright up in the distance, is it the end of the tunnel? I do not think so. It is just something that is bright and shines. The wind makes me eyes tear. They’re watery, but I’m not crying; and if I was crying, I would not be crying because I’m sad. Quite the contrary, I would cry because I’m happy. Though I never thought I could possibly cry over that. It does not make sense at all.

            I’m coming closer and closer to the brightness, or is it the brightness coming closer to me? Either way it is the same, we are closer and closer; I turn my head to have an idea of where I am or to check whether I know the place, but I only see spots. I feel if I am going somewhere very, very fast, that is why my eyes are watery and I fell needles pricking my face, and even so the whole world seems to be spinning so slowly.

            I feel it on my fingertips, I think now I get it. It’s water. The reflection I saw was the sun reflecting on the water in the pool. I see my hands going into the water slowly and I feel spasms of cold in my skin as my arms go under water. It happens so slowly that I can feel every cell in my body shaking at the temperature change.

            A deafening noise, like an explosion, it isolates me from the rest of the world. I cannot hear a thing. Now the bright thing is again in front of me, or is it below me? Or maybe over me? It is hard to know. I see hundreds; no thousands maybe millions of tiny little see through spherical things coming up from behind me. I know it’s the water, I know its air bubbles. They grow farther from me so slowly I might be able to count them. They leave free. As though each and every one of the bubbles were a universe, an idea, a responsibility, a lie, a truth, places in another space and time, a decision that leaves and frees me. And I feel so light now, so released, so relieved… and I feel like crying and I don’t hold the tears back.

            I cry because I feel free. No family, no friends, no responsibilities, nothing to tie me to anything. And I see the universes go towards the shine, I see both truth and lies sneaking through my fingertips, the decisions exploding by the glare and I cry because I’m happy. Free, deep into the unknown. It would be perfect if it were the sea.

            The void is broken by explosions near me. I see silhouettes. I feel strong hands getting hold of my arms and neck. I cannot move so that I can break free. It all happens so slowly and yet I long for speed urges me to get away from these hands. Can’t you see I don’t want to leave? Leave me alone! Now I’m crying in despair. I seem to react. The pills and the whiskey did not do a good job… I’m afraid. I feel myself pulled out, driven towards the shine. Please… don’t… I’m so close. No, go away. Leave me alone.

            I can’t talk. My body does not answer. I can only see universes coming back to me. I see the shine coming closer. I hear the ones pulling me out murmuring. My hands are out of the water. I already feel cold of the breeze on my skin and even so, I try to resist so that I’m not taken out of the water; but I can’t my body will simply not respond, no matter how hard I try. I can’t say a word or move a muscle.

            My face is reaching the surface in no time, and my cry is now desperation. My whole life has been doing what is supposed to be done, tried to honor my word and the feeling of helplessness to see others live in a way they don’t deserve… but who am I to judge? It’s me, and I judge regarding my values. What I have learned… and what I have learned is that I don’t want to live, that I hate life, I learned that I want to be left alone once and for all... and I scream. I scream inside when I feel the breeze on my face. No, no, no! They make me live again and I don’t want to,

            I just want to leave, I want to leave this life I never wanted. Why am I being given an opportunity I never asked for in the first place? This is the only selfish thing I’ve ever done for myself, and you, you’re taking it all away. Let me die, let me go…

            The beeping of the pulse machine, the needles stuck in my arm and the mask to help me breathe, they all tell me I was saved but really I was damned. I cry in silence as I am tired of all of this. I don’t want to go on, but I guess my curse is that; to live a life I don’t want, to fight battles I’d rather lose. To breathe air that slowly kills me. To be a number, to be a friend, an enemy, a… whatever. I have no goals except to meet death when he picks me up and finally frees me from all of this.

Author's Note

I would love to hear what you guys think. Please review!

Reviews

[piper]

HI, Wow, this is very powerful! I was drawn along by the emotions and saddened by the futility in which this character sees life. Your descriptive phrases do a good job of sensory emotions. Good powerful story.