If I Lay Here

Between "Once upon a time" and "happily ever after".

Years after the fragrance of youth vanished and the buttery tone of skin got wrinkled; years after her companion let go of her hand and left her on this planet by herself; decades after her children finished high school and settled with their families in different parts of the world; years after which she did not receive birthday greetings and cards and bouquets from her best friends and mates… she lay down on her bed and stared. She thought to herself, “What have I done and achieved in all these years? If I die now, where do I go? Should the Almighty put me in Heaven or throw me in Hell? If I walk up the stairs of Heaven, who do I see first? What do we say? Would we even recognize each other, or will it be a new starting? Or, other way round, if I am thrown into Hell, will anyone ever scream out to help me? Will anyone save me from the torment and gradually cover up the burned ashes with rose petals?”

More than twenty-years spent as a daughter, 45-years of married life… children and grandchildren and everything. And then what? The isolation. The lonesome life of a widow. An old mother. A long forgotten friend. Would life have been different if she waited for that person to come and brazen out? Would she have been in a different state than this, had she added smidgen of patience to the outrageous, loathsome cries that had crawled through the doors of night? Or, would she have ended up losing the whole thing in the motion of gambling with life! What she had, what she catered for in all these years, she sees it before her eyes. But what she once craved for is now only a figment of her imagination; a visage.

As she lay on the cozy and warm bed, which may be her death-bed, does she regret for all those little prejudice she had placed before her parents, does she feel unhappy for all those moments when she shouted and yelled at her better-half for being late on a Friday Dinner, should she feel sorry that she could not make it to her children’s recital because she worked till late at office, or should she apologize to herself for not giving herself the chance that could have made the story of her life stand on a different axis?  Here today, when she is on a vulnerable corner, all she can see is she may just shut her eyes and wake up to find something that she never expected to come down her way. Maybe, that is when she will comprehend, “Well, this is it. My life has ended. Diary closed. Now just wait for the verdict.”

Author's Note

This journal had been written much long ago. It is, indeed, a figment of imagination of how some tomorrow may or may not look like.

Reviews

[Bala Gorthi]

Isolation and loneliness act like heaven' curse on people. What you have written is relatable to all women who reach that age and are not blessed enough to be a part of a large family.
What is pathetic is this loners pain of things she regret of doing or not doing something. Women despite giving their best years to family are left to such pain. But that is exactly the way women are.very well put.
I had a good read.
Thanks for sharing. Keep writing.

[Fahmida Mehreen]

Thank you for your appreciation. Keep reading. :)

[Jacob Clifford]

Touching story, Fahmida. Endings are some of the hardest parts of life. The aftermath of a lover's life can be devastating.

[Fahmida Mehreen]

Truly, it is. we come care hand. And we go bare hand. The rule of life and thin line between death and eternity.
Thanks for the review.

[Usman Muhammad]

You described a life of a women, thinking about aftermath of her life...the innocence of her character forces reader to think that she is truly innocent without considering her whole life to decide whether she is innocent or not..
Here, I am considering my life just like she considered her's and questioned it worthiness. Even though I am not in sixties....but who knows.
You let me go into such situation with powerful imagery and magic of your words. I am speechless and this reminder of yours might have helped many to understand the importance of everything we do in our lives.
Please keep writing like this. I am glad I read this wonderful story.

[Fahmida Mehreen]

I am honored and more than happy to have touched your heart. We all, one day or the other, shall stand on the same verge. Apparently, in a literary sense it came to me sooner. But, like most other people I, myself, am yet to travel through this phase.

Thank you so much for your review.

[Shabeeh Haider]

Fahmida, this has touched the heart. There is so much feeling in this story and I am afraid that all of us who will be fortunate ( or unfortunate) to reach old age will have this uncertainty and regret.
It makes me wonder if life is really worth it.
You really know how to create a magic with words. Very well done.

[Fahmida Mehreen]

Much thanks for your appreciation. It is very generous of you to drop such a kind review. You know how much I get engulfed with your writings!
As you said, we never really know what this life is worthy of till the end.

[Akshita]

It is so moving and thought provoking. I don't know why but it got me thinking if I would ever end up doing anything worthwhile. : )

[Fahmida Mehreen]

As long as we are breathing, there is always a way to make our lives count. Whether we want want it or not, or how we want it, is our call.
Wish you all the best in life. I believe that your life shall not go in vein. :)

[Akshita]

Thanks!!! : )

[Vatsal Rohilla (account..]

We can never go back in the past and alter anything. And regretting will never help, it would only make us sad. Life is a very precious gift and we must learn how to live it and enjoy it till the very close.
As for the old lady you describe, we learn that we must try to be as good a person as possible at all points of time or later they might pave the way for lamentation, which is hard to overcome. Pretty amazing work. Keep writing.

[Fahmida Mehreen]

In agreement with every word you said. Thank you for the review!

[Asante]

Is it saddening that this piece of writing can relate to me somewhat, and I'm sure quite a few others, and I'm far too young to be near my deathbed in the physical health sense? Sign of the times. This is a fine reflection on the regrets and wonders that plague us at any point.

Great work, Fahmida!

[Fahmida Mehreen]

Thanks for the review.

[Ardra]

Wonderful piece..... got me thinking.....someday we would all be forgotten isn't it....our kids ...our grandkids...all will move on with their life.....it's the truth ...it's better we make the life we have worth the time we spend.... So that when we look back....we don't have to regret on not doing something which we could have done. Thanks for sharing :)

[Fahmida Mehreen]

Glad that you liked it.
Death is certain life is not.