A narritive of my mind

on those days, when my thoughts just start going crazy, this is what its like to live inside my head.

breathe.
inhale, exhale.
slower.
breathe.
its alright, its alright.
why am i like this?
no one should be this bothered by their own thoughts.
god, why am i so messed up?
this is completely irrational, i should be happy right now.
i am happy right now.
i'm just going a little crazy, i wish someone understood that, i have no control over my mind when it gets like this it just runs wild and rationally i know we're okay things have been great so damn it why are the little things bothering me so much, so much is going on, i've barely been staying afloat and i can't even name my emotions and you try and get me to talk but when you do the lie of i'm fine slips from my lips before i ever give it permission, and i need to talk to you, i need to talk to someone before i explode but why am i upset with you when this is my fault? why can't i just get a handle on this this is ridiculous no one wants a mess just pull it together no one wants a mess you can't keep being like this
Stop.
Breathe.
slower.
its alright, this is all irrational.
just ride it out, it'll pass.
breathe.
let it go for now, everyones going to notice if you're moping.
i just need five minutes. i hate cars. can i not just have five minutes to close my eyes and put everything back in place without everyone being concerned about me? someone please turn the music down i don't think i can handle anymore noise inside my head, s**t, s**t he's giving you that look, okay, close your eyes you have five seconds just let it all go, let it all go, and 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, deep breath and ahhh who am i kidding, who am i kidding i can't do this right now, i need air i just need out of here i'm going to explode i'm going to have a break down right here in front of everything i don't understand why i'm like this can i not just ride in the car and be happy why do i look out the window and suddenly all my doubts are plaguing me i'm just so tired i need a break from my own mind and i wish i wasn't to afraid to say exactly what i'm thinking but i am, i don't want to be looked at like i'm fragile or worse crazy because i'm not like this all the time but when i am it overwhelms me entirely and this is just the top layer of things running around my head all the specific narratives are shouting underneath begging for their spot front and center, get me out of here get me out how does one become trapped in their own mind i just need someone to wake me from this this is to much i don't want to get stuck
Stop.
breathe.
step outside, look at the sky.
slow down.
his arms around me.
shhh now quiet.
Quiet.

You've asked me before to pretend you are my notebook
to just spill out my thoughts to you like i'm writing them
But you see I can't make the mess in my mind pretty
I can't let those words out into the world
When you ask me what i'm thinking about
When i tell you my mind is loud
So forgive me for the times i say its nothing
I just don't how to make sense of that
Its like being in the middle of a swarm of angry bees
And someone asking you to focus on a single one for long enough to count its stripes
Its not possible.
But i try.
I promise i try.