Infatuation and Intimacy...

Sie has hir infatuations like anyone else and admits them, it�s a running joke amongst some of those who know hir. Sie enjoys the laugh along with them, but never admits that it�s not what they think it is. They always assume that hir infatuations are like theirs, and there things that sie is day dreaming of are what society considers normal. Sie has tried to hint that things may not be as they assume, but hir reputation means that everyone assumes the worst and assumes that what sie is thinking of it some perversion. Sie has given up trying to justify it, or correct their misconceptions, it�s just easier to allow them to assume things and let them have their own thoughts. Although sie finds it nicely ironic that while most of those who know hir think of hir as some sort of deviant, hir thoughts are more innocent than they could really understand.

Even those sie finds captivating do not normally fit into what those around hir would consider normal, but sie supposes that is because sie looks at people a different way. Sie cannot understand you someone could consider things with people without knowing them, to hir the outside is just a coating. Like hirself people are different when you get to know them and sie enjoys the time sie can spend finding out about the people sie knows. Normally it leads nowhere, not that the people sie knows are uninteresting, it�s more that they are not what sie is looking for, but every now and then she�ll meet someone like sie is looking for. Sie finds these people wonderful, they are one way to the world but just to look into their eyes sie can tell there�s something different about them. It�s hard for hir to put it into exact words, but the people sie finds infatuating are those who are broken in some small way but can carry it off as if it doesn�t exist and carry on with the world around them. These are hir kind that is why sie is drawn to them, even if they may not know they are similar they are in so many ways.

Sie accepted long ago that sie was not normal when it came to this, and back then in hir naive desire to prove sie was normal sie burned a lot of bridges with hir close friends of the opposite sex. But now after all this time sie knows that it was never truly worth it, sie has come to terms with the fact that sie is not normal and probably never will be. One of the things sie likes most about this is sie long ago sie got the need for intercourse out of hir system, even though sie was barely capable sie tried to prove hirself. In the end sie found it wasn�t worth it, it wasn�t what sie desired, so sie stopped a found life a lot easier when sie wasn�t trying to assert those feelings.

Sie long ago gave up on the idea of any sort of commitment, with hir life it would never work, and sie doubts sie could find anyone who could really understand hir feelings. Sie once thought sie�d found something sie could be with forever and a day, but it was never to be. They where so alike it made it impossible, sie does not regret the time they spent together, it helped hir overcome a lot of hir difficulties, but sie wishes it could have lasted. Sie knows it never could have, but sie can always dream. Commitments require just that can sie could never even guarantee that sie is going to be there the next sun rise so sie avoids it. So sie buries what sie feels deep, sie can enjoy what sie enjoys and still appear completely hirself. Sie always claims that sie simply no longer forms emotional attachments but sie is lying to them as much as sie is lying to hirself, it hurts hir when sie sees people that sie�d like to approach with others that have claimed them because sie could never do so. Sie has just got very good at hiding it from the rest of the world, and has accepted to hirself that it�s always going to happen. It would never be fair to tie hirself emotionally to another, sie cannot offer anything but the web sie has weaved around hirself.

It�s not that sie doesn�t get those feelings, it�s just for hir they are different, sie has no real desire to act upon them in the traditional way. Sie would much rather hold someone close and just be with them than anything else, it makes for a much simpler way of life. Sie likes the innocence of it, it this world that is very rare and sie treasures it. Sie has told people that sie looks for the innocence in others but it is always misunderstood, so sie has given up that way of explaining things, in favour of just allowing people their misconceptions. They are easier than explaining how very simple innocent contact can give hir more pleasure than sie could get any other way or explaining how sie can be happy just by being with others who are happy.

Sie supposes it could be considered some form of perversion, it is supposed to be normal to desire some form of intercourse from intimacy, but sie does not enjoy it so does not desire it. Sie is more than capable of giving pleasure and takes great delight in it, but just not in what is considered a traditional way. Sie would rather spend hir time just being close with a person than anything else that could be. Sie likes it this way, as there is not real need of privacy, sie can feel this way in public without offending anyone or even it appearing out of the ordinary. Sie finds it stange that more aren't like this, they want to go beyond the innocence, sie wishes sie never had, while in one way it helped make hir what sie is, in other ways it spoilt hir. Sie wished sie could have had the knowledge without the act, but that is impossible, so sie'll settle for what sie's got, sie long ago gave up wishing sie could change the past. What sie has is what sie has, and thanks to this sie knows what sie wants and it's alwyas more innocenct that anyone will believe.

There are those that sie is infatuated with that sie wishes sie could explain how happy it makes hir to be able to hold them for just a few brief seconds, but sie does not know the words. Even if sie did sie is still not sure sie would tell them for fear of them finding it wrong and breaking away from hir. Sometimes sie fears that it is wrong, but others sie simply accepts it, and enjoys the time even if it is only even seen innocently, after all what it appears is what it really is. Sie has no desire for it to be more than it is, it is not in hir nature to be like that.

It�s ironic that hir one true display of intimacy is something that most take for granted, hir one sign that sie has let someone in further than most will even get, sie tells them hir name.