Wayist...

Sie describes hirself as a wayist, sie has hir way and it's how sie lives hir life. It's not constant, it's always in flux, but it's hir way and sie write it as sie finds it. Hir way is a fusion of different paths, some are religious, some are just good advice. When asked sie calls hirself a wiccan the political way of calling hirself a witch, as most could not hope to understand hir way. Sie is grey, neither black nor white, but able to be either at any time.

Hir way is what keeps hir alive, what keeps hir going and keeps hir in balance. It allows hir to keep hir emotions from the surface, they're hidden deep within hir and sie will not allow others to see them. Instead they see hir in hir happy go lucky front, but that front is twisted just enough to stop people questioning it. It's not like sie dislikes this, sie likes to been seen as always happy always smiling it allows hir to forget hir past.

Sie shifts thought the world, forever changing, not recognisable from one place to the next. Sie is a chameleon, ever changing ever shift blending in to fit hir surroundings. Sie has many names, very few know them all and even fewer know hir real name, sie does not use it ever, for names have power, to know someone's real name is to have a power over them. Sie fears this so sie keeps hir real name to hirself and dons a different name and face to nearly everyone who knows hir.

It's the same with the stories sie tells, the stories all change slightly when sie's telling them, it's because while the stories are true there are few sie could tell the real story to without them judging hir. So sie sticks to the safe stories, or sanitised versions of the greyer stories, never able to tell the real stories for fear of being judged and losing the few sie can call friends.

A while ago someone claimed to know hir, it made hir smile people sie meets and tells hir stories to are hir friends. But they're not friends as the rest of the world would know it, they know one of hir many sides, they know of who sie is but can never really know what sie is. While to most sie always appears happy and content, those who look closer will see the look it hir eyes, it's the look of someone who's spent too long staring into the abyss. Somewhere along the way sie lost the part of hirself that allows hir to fit, so sie created hir way to help hir.

It's the same with hir past, very little of what sie tells people exists, sie has drifted for so long hir past is untraceable. Most of hir existence is made up and twisted to suit what sie needs, sie invents it as sie needs it. Hir homeland is far from where sie says it is, hir family are unknown and untraceable. Sie can move whenever sie feels like it, there is nothing really tying hir to hir current place, everything that sie gives or leaves to give the impression of a link can be replaced, if money can fix it then it's not a problem. Sie knows sie can walk away from almost anything, there is very little that sie'd really miss, and that that sie would always goes with hir.

One day sie knows sie'll walk away, one day sie'll run, leaving behind nothing more than a memory. Sie hopes that it will be a happy memory that people will look back on hir with fondness, sie hopes that sie could at least leave people with a smile. Sie would really like to be close to the people sie knows but sie can be. Sie'll never let anyone get close to hir, it's hir defence if no one really knows hir then no one can really hurt hir.

Sie's been hurt before, there was a time when sie thought sie'd found someone sie could be with, someone sie could be hirself around. But sie'd been deluging hirself, sie spent a long time before sie asked and then sie was told it was not to be. While they where the same and could confide in each other they could never be one, it just would never work. So sie doesn't get too close again, sie'll have hir fun but won't allow hirself to get too attached. Sie fears being hurt again so will never allow someone to get that close. Sie finds it amusing as sie has a friend who is the same as hir but as opposite as night and day. While sie doesn't deny hirself hir friend does, they are both ways of dealing, but sie's not sure whether hirs' is better or worse.

Hir memories haunt hir, sie has collected them along hir travels and they make hir feel ages old, but sie always tries to appear younger than sie is. One of the groups sie associates with is like that, sie doesn't give hir real age, just a rough age and lets them make up their own minds.

Some who know hir want to see some of the places sie talks about, sie's been told several time 'you'll have to let me come round sometime' when sie's felling happy sie'll answer with a 'some day', other days sie simply answers 'no I won't'. The answer is the same no matter way sie says, sie knows that even if sie says 'some day' sie knows that day will never come. There are some things that sie'll never make real to most people.

Sie take solace in the fact that while sie appears slightly twisted to make hirself more real, sie'll never let people see how far it goes and how warped sie really is. The best sie could hope of is sympathy, the worst doesn't bear thinking about, while hir way is there to keep hir in check it is not binding and sie will walk away from it. While sie has hir good times there are also times when everything is forgotten, times when sie turns away from the grey and into the darkness. This is not really hir, sie keeps this side of hirself suppressed, but there are times when this side of hir must emerge and walk the streets. It in these times when sie is glad there are those sie can call on, those who won't judge hir, those who'll just help set things the way they should be without asking too many questions. These friends also know they can call on hir, and sie'll come and help and not judge them. There are few of these friends but they are the ones that truly know hir, they've seen hir at hir best and they've seen hir at hir worst.

After these times sie always hates hirself but sie knows in hir heart of hearts that sie'll never change. These times are usually bad for hir, there was a day when sie know sie had been to pull hir out, no matter how far sie had sunk, or how much sie had tried to drown hirself. They where there and they shared a history with hir, so they helped hir liked sie helped them. But like everything in hir life nothing lasts hir friends are still there, they're just not with hir as much anymore.

Sie watches people, it's a hobby of hirs and helps hir form hir way, some like hir have commented that it is too painful to see others living their lives without a care. But sie enjoys it, as it allows hir to dream of being like everyone fitting, if only just, into the world, having dreams and aspirations. It not that sie doesn't have dreams and aspirations, it's just hirs are more simple than others. Sie doesn't want fame or fortune, sie just wants hir life and a future that sie can believe in. But sie can't have that and be free, freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose, so sie'll chose freedom now over the possibility of a future.

But above all else this was always hir choice and right or wrong what's done is done, so sie makes hir happiness where sie can, and enjoys hir life.