Memories of Utopia and the Abyss...

Sometimes the past gangs up on hir, it just builds and builds until it doesn't take much for the memories to come crashing down on hir. It's these times when sie tries to forget, but sie never can, so sie resorts to crawling back into the bottle. It doesn't truly allow hir to forget, but it dulls the pain, it's no longer the knife edge it has built to. Sie always regrets it, but when things get bad it's a temporary escape.

These times have been good, these times have been bad, but sie can barely remember them, sie supposes that's the point.

Some of the things sie's seen, sie can never forget, they say it gets easier with time, that the pain goes away, but sie's not sure that it ever does. Things are better now, there was a time when sie couldn't even look at hirself, sie can now but sie is still weary of mirrors. That caught glance, sie's not sure if there's not something there, something different from those times, sie'll never know and there's no one sie can ask. The people who've done this kind of thing don't talk about, they'll talk around it but never about it, it just brings back the pain so it's taboo. But the questions don't go away, they're always there always at the back of hir mind nagging away, so sie tries to forget them.

Hir other ways of coping are not less destructive sie likes to fly, sometime sie'll fly way out in the country side, other times sie'll fly in the metropolises. Sie'll stands atop the concrete and glass cliff looking down into the Abyss more than two hundred feet below hir. This is what sie comes here for, to stand on the edge of the Abyss and look down. Down there something looks back at hir, but sie's used to that every time sie looks in the Abyss sie can sense something looking back at hir. It's familiar like sie knows what it is but just can't remember at the time, so sie comes here to look, to try and find what sie feels is missing. It's been that way for as long as sie can remember there's something about hir, something sie doesn't know so sie's looking for it. That search has bought hir to the Abyss several times, sie's survived them all so far but sie knows one day sie might fall, one day sie may not go home.

After another look down into the Abyss sie steps up onto the edging of the cliff, sie takes a last deep breath, spreads hir wings and steps over the edge towards the Abyss. As graceful as hir wings are hir kind is not meant to fly, as gravity takes hold and sie plummets for several feet, sie tries to keep clam. This is one of those moments sie lives for, after sie has stepped towards the Abyss nothing else matters, in a few minutes sie may be alive, sie may be dead, right now sie is free. For a brief moment the past doesn't matter and there is no future, there is just now. Sie does this for this reason, hir past is long and painful, sie has no one else sie can share it with. Hir future stretches away from hir, out of hir control and getting darker all the time. She feels trapped by a force sie cannot see or name, but sie can feel it, and sie's looking for it.

Although sie cannot fly sie can glide on the wings and hopefully ride the thermals. After several long seconds hir wings catch the updraft and sie soars gracefully along the cliff edge. As sie soars along sie's always looking trying to find the edge, some crack that will show hir the way for what sie's looking for, but like every other time sie has flown today is not going to be hir day. In a few minutes sie's landing on the ground, hir flight over sie hasn't found what sie's looking for but it doesn't matter for now hir search is over, but only for now.

Sie dreams of Utopia, it is a dream of many and many have tried and failed to create it, there's always some flaw, these flaws are always left behind. Sie knows this better than most, sie suspects that was or maybe is part of a project to create Utopia, that makes hir feel happy in some small way, that someone's life maybe better. But sie knows in hir heart of hearts that sie may help to create Utopia, but sie has no place in it, sie like most of hir kind is a monster. They are there to make the world, but because of that they will never have a place in it, some are true believers they are sure it can be achieved. Others like hir are more cautious, it's a wonderful dream, but it's just that a dream, it will take a lot to make it a reality and the doubt it's possible.

Once sie thought there was a reason for all this, a higher purpose, the orders where for a greater good to stop the darkness sweeping the world, now sie's not so sure. Now sie see the reality, the reality hurts as much as the memories, so sie looks for escapes. But sometimes the escapes don't work and sie comes crashing back to the harsh reality.

Sie has two subjects that will always set hir off, one is hir age, the other is hir past, sie'll share what sie wants but doesn't like it when people push hir for answers that sie's not prepared to give. These people sie can normally ignore, but occasionally there is one who'll persist, these few are the ones that see hir darker side, they never forget it and they never ask again.

Hir age is more complicated as it comes up quite innocently but is still a touchy subject for hir, sie always feels that sie should be younger than sie is, sie's normally too happy go lucky to be as old as sie is. But most people think that sie's older than sie is, normally by over a third of hir age, it upsets hir to think that people think of hir this way. Sie supposes it's useful some times, but mostly it just worries hir that if people can see the age in hir can they also see what sie's done what sie knows, sie wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Sie wouldn't wish hir life on anyone, hir life seams to have always been one of great contrasts, tremendous highs, but even deeper lows, sometimes sie forgets the highs and simply remembers the lows. But it always seams that the lows are more frequent than the highs. Even with hir friends sie remembers the bad times but forgets the good. Sie remembers hold a friend as he died unable to do anything for him accept ease the pain, sie remember burning another friend because sie had no other choice, sie remember one who sie thought would be with hir forever turning hir down. Hir good memories are more unclear, sie remembers being part of a group, accepted for who sie is but always on the outside but still part of something.

So sie goes to the places sie can forget, even if only for a while, either because in a few seconds sie could be dead or sie could be alive, or because sie has drowned the pain until sie is numb. Neither last forever, but both help hir cope in some small way.