MY DARK ANGEL

a little story about addiction

I remember the spirit that took over my life at the peak of my addiction to cocaine. I called it my dark Angel. I considered this Angel to be female. Maybe that's just because I'm a man. But the voice I heard was definitely female.

I remember how at first the whole thing was just an experiment that at the time, I felt I had complete control of the situation. However, very quickly, my dark Angel took over every aspect of my life. My every waking moment and my every thought involved what I was going to do next, to feed the insatiable habit of my dark Angel.

Very quickly, she threw away every moral and social value I ever subscribed to. I began to do things I never would have dreamed of doing like lie, cheat and steal. In my normal mind I would never have dreamed of doing anything that was against the laws of God or man.

I had become completely under her hypnotic spell and completely under her control. At first I was just a working addict, I was still in control of my everyday life. I was able to go to work and go shopping, and pay my bills and appear like any other normal member of society.

My dark Angel was having no part of that! She wanted every dollar I had to go for the purchase of more cocaine. She said: what do you need all those cars for? Why do you need all these televisions and stereos and household appliances? Why you have three cars and a tractor-trailer? You only need one vehicle to get around. Why do you live in this nice house? You're wasting money on all these nice things. You could be spending it on more cocaine.

Very quickly, my dark Angel had me to cash in all my material possessions, to purchase more cocaine. She got me to sell of all my possessions. She turned me into a complete psychotic social path and a menace to society.

I was willing to do almost anything to serve my dark Angel. I quickly learned that you could manipulate people who were even more addicted to cocaine than I was. So when I wasn't hustling women, who were willing to prostitute themselves to get high, or driving shoplifters to the mall, I would burglarize small businesses. I got so good at it, I not only thought I was invincible, but when I was doing it while I was stoned, I thought I was invisible.

Now when I look back on it all, I remember telling the detective that finally caught up to me after 10 years that he wasn't just arresting me, but in fact he was rescuing me from my dark Angel. I know had gone on any longer, she would have graduated me to an even higher level of evil. I had already begun robbing drug dealers at gun point. So it probably was just a matter of time before I killed someone or got killed myself.

I have now been clean and sober for over 20 years. I can't begin to explain how wonderful it feels to be back in my right mind. However, I know my dark Angel still exists deep inside me, and it would only take one hit to put me right back where I was, deep in her control. The thing I regret the most about having once been addicted to cocaine, is all a different lives, I have helped to destroy including my own. I'm back in control now. I only need to look back at the path of destruction I created to keep my dark Angel in check. I never want to be that kind of person again. I don’t want to be someone who would allow an outside influence or substance to take charge of my body and soul.