alone part II

you told me that the only reason I am still with you after all this is because I am afraid to be alone

and at first I thought, you might be right.

I find myself wondering

why I react to things the way I do

(why do I lash out. why does my mind choose to overwork itself. it's the worst. i'm the worst. i self destruct. I am born again. it is my fault. it is your fault. learn to deescalate. stop. please. learn. love.)

I think it is better to be silent throughout this mess of words battling it out in my brain

you know, to try and keep the natural rhythm of conversation going. 

even if the other person isn't listening to a word you are saying

at first, i kept thinking

why do I give too much of myself away?

maybe because I never learned  

how to not give myself away.

because alone and content are synonymous to me

and they have always held hands

and I have always held hands

even if my skin was burnt and red

and the first time when you took my hand

to fit into yours

I swear to god I felt saved

and terrified 

because how could I be content with not being alone?

maybe I do self sabotage

and give too much of myself

but maybe I would have no problem with that

if you would give yourself to me

in the same way

Author's Note

the word 'alone' sounds scarier than it really is