Distances

A Story by exathent

A "fictional" journal for my creative writing class

I still feel distant. I’ve been let into the pack but there’s still something keeping me from connecting with them. I should feel so much happier to belong somewhere but I suppose I’m still struggling with issues of my own. I don’t want to be used or hurt again. I want someone to be there next to me to help me through difficult times I’m going through. I want to belong to the pack so much but something keeps me disconnected. I’m not a wolf. I have cat and fox in me. I consider foxes a type of cat. Sure, they’re classified as canines but they’re very catlike so maybe I don’t even have cat in me. I’m just confused all around about everything. I don’t know what I’ll do if I’m used again. I don’t think that my heart will be able to take it again. I just want to find love. I want something that’s real. I know that I can’t be his only one because he’s already got a mate but I want to be his for now until he has to leave. I love my new pack. I know that I can become close to them. I think that I may just have to stop blocking everyone out from my mind. There are things that I’m not ready for some people to know yet. I wish that I could tell my pack everything but the trust isn’t there. Not yet anyway. I’m so afraid that people I don’t want finding out will know. I know that if I tell people that they’ll view me differently than they do now. I don’t want that at all. I just want to be “normal” and have a somewhat pattern to my life.

I feel so alone. I’m lost and scared. I need someone there to pick me up off the ground. I’m sinking fairly quickly into the ashes of the past. I need help. It’s as if no one is there to save me. My depression is taking over my soul again. It’s consuming my being. My empathy is starting to leave me. Along with that she is leaving. I can’t find her anymore. She’s no longer in this body of mine. Either that or she’s molding into my soul. I don’t know who or what I am. I know that I am not human. Yet, I don’t feel completely like a fox or a cat. I can tell that I have wings of some sort on my back. I’ve felt them for a while now. What am I? Who am I? I’m at a standstill with myself. I can tell that my soul is fairly new. I’ve been told it’s more aged than most of today. I’m more of a “toddler” type soul. Others that I know are still in the infant stage.

I want a closer bond with my pack. I know I’ve only just joined but something feels like its missing. They all understand each other so well it seems, granted two of them are mates, but they’re close to one another and it doesn’t even seem like they have to try very hard. I want to be close with them. I want to be close with anyone. I feel like I’m just desperate for attention at times. I don’t want that feeling of desperation. I want a feeling of contentment. I want to finally feel at peace with something in my life. I don’t want to feel insane anymore. Even if I am insane I don’t want the feeling that I am. Maybe this pack will work out for me. I’m not really sure what you really do in a pack but I’m sure I’ll figure it out. I hope that I do.

I worry that I’m easy. I really don’t want to be but maybe I am. Maybe I’m just too desperate for someone to care that I’ll do anything they want me to. I feel so weak. Why can’t I ever say no? Why do I have to give in so easily to someone’s wishes? Why can’t I stand up for myself? Why, why, WHY? It’s my fault when everything goes wrong. It’s my fault when I lose someone. It’s always my fault that no one cares about me. Why can’t someone care about me? Why does everyone have to leave me? I just want someone. Anyone at this point. Everyday I feel so alone. I’ve got it stuck in my mind that no one will ever care about me the way I want them to. I really don’t think anyone will care about me. I’m just going to be alone for the rest of my life with no one to love me. My emotions push people away. They don’t like the way I cling or how strongly I come on. They don’t look past my flaws. The people I meet only ever want one thing it seems. Can’t they actually get to know me and like me? I’m still a person. I may not human but the emotions of a human run deeply through me. I just want someone to take me as I am and love me despite the flaws I hold.