"Dude, it's frickin' zombies!"

This is an excerpt of a humorous zombie coming-of-age novel I'm working on. If you don't like pop-culture, this piece isn't for you. Nerds welcome.

  I want meat--like a big, dirty slab of filet mignon, medium-well, with just a hint of red. Heck, I’d eat veal or even some over-processed -don’t hold back on the msg and trans fats- salisbury steak, straight out of the frozen foods isle right now. But no, my dad and stepmom are too good for meat. After converting to wannabe hippies, they decided to become vegans last year and forced me into the same miserable life of green. So here I am, staring down a plate of tofu salad smothered in low-fat vinaigrette and a side dish of ocra. Screw my life and screw this two-hundred calorie, organic meal. Couldn’t I at least have a beer with this crap instead of bottled water? Get me a little tipsy before you torture me. Show a little dignity, please.

  “I’m not eating this garbage,” I blurt out, happily destroying the miserable ambiance of the dining room. “I want some meat, d****t!”

  Dad looks at me practically horrified from across the table, as if I just broke one of the Vegan Ten Commandments. “Young lady, you will not speak in that manner at this table! Your mother spent the day making this meal, so you’re going to eat it whether you like it or not.”

  Tracy flashes a smile at Dad, and he smiles back sheepishly. Freaking gross. My dad’s such a sucker; he’ll do absolutely anything for the woman’s approval.

  “She’s not my Mother--she’s Tracy,” I say, grinning myself, obviously egging on the situation since I find this all so very entertaining. “And how the F does it take all day to toss together a stupid salad? It’s a salad! Come on, seriously?!”

  “Kevin, control your daughter!” Tracy yells, suggesting he step into action via a raised eyebrow.

  “Madison, that’s enough!”

  “No, I don’t think it is.” Tracy’s really in for it now… “What’s the point in being vegan, anyways? If it’s for your health, Tracy, well it’s certainly hasn’t improved your figure. Sneaking in those Big Macs when you go out?”

  Tracy glares at me before slamming her hands down, tofu and vinaigrette splashing all over the tablecloth. “You b***h!” she screams, her face all contorted with anger. “Get this meat eater out of my sight!”

  Did she really just say that? “Oh please, Tracy! Get a life, seriously!”

  “Do you not care about the abuse those poor animals go through, just so you can have your stupid meat?!” she says, suddenly breaking down into sobs.

  Don’t let her fool you--she’s crying because I took a shot at her weight. Not because of the poor little animals.

 “We have to play our part, if we want the abuse to end! Right dear?” she asks, grabbing dads hand as they exchange nods in approval.

  Oh man, here we go. Not only is Tracy going to help end global warming and adopt an African orphan baby, but now she’s going to save all the animals too? I love a cute little critter as much as the next person, but a girl’s got to eat, especially when she’s got killer cramps and a ridiculous appetite because of her period.

  I laugh mockingly, pointing at her. “Wait, so now you’re doing this to save the animals? You think you’re some good Samaritan?” I say, my tone of voice rising to something almost accusatory. “Last I checked, you became a Vegan last year… so what about all the meat you’ve eaten over the past thirty-five years before that?!”

  “Don’t you dare start-”

  “Oh please,” I interject.

  Dad stands and throws his plate against the wall, the china glass shattering into tiny shards all over the floor. Pieces of tofu stick to the surface, adhered like the sticky notes Tracy leaves all over my door when she wants me to do her bidding around the house. I feel my stomach turn just looking at it--how can people eat that stuff?

  “Madison, please, just go to your room,” Dad says, his voice strained, almost inaudible now. “Just please.”

  This is the part where I should feel bad, but I just don’t have it in me anymore. I mean, it’s not like I asked him to marry some freak who’s done nothing but try to change him into some vegan, over-bearing, hippie PTA parent concerned about the well-being of this teenage generations’ supposed degenerate kids. I preferred the cool Dad, the one who knew how to be a parent, but also a friend. I miss him a lot. A whole lot.

  “Alright Dad… not like I’m hungry for sponge anyway,” I say, but I still have one more thing I need to express, and I almost snicker before I do. “But Tracy,” I whisper, summoning the gravest voice I could possibly muster up, “those poor animals will never forgive you for what you did. And you did a bad, bad thing, Tracy. Those poor animals …”

  Neither of them pay me any attention. That’s something I’m used to, which probably plays a part in why I get off on riling them up. That’s pretty pathetic, I know, but it makes me feel good. I guess I’m a bad person…

  “You know, Dad, we should have food fights more often,” I say, nodding my head at the messes they both made.

  As I walk away, I notice a familiar, old grin on Dad’s face, except it lasts for just a fleeting moment, then fizzles. Tracy did that to him; she turned a man, miserable and fragile after a bitter divorce, into something fit for her liking. Now he hides his smiles, his former luster. Now he won’t laugh with me-- because now, she’s more important.

*

  I lay in bed under my Star Wars print quilt with mismatch The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time sheets. It feels nice to lie down beside two of my favorite lovers. Honestly, though, I’d prefer Majora’s Mask print, seeing as in that’s the one Zelda game in the series cannon that’s never gotten its dues-- that game’s a discarded gem.

  I’m a nerd, and I know it. I’m okay with that.

  Instead of posters featuring boy bands, a plethora of shoes and makeup, and a wardrobe of the latest trends, my room is a temple dedicated to my own personal interests. All things stereotyped geek, nerd, and just plain odd for a seventeen year old, young lady: Niche movie posters. An extensive assortment of zombie related films (I hate most horror films, but I adore horror sub-genres). A towering collection of video games, including their relative strategy guides, comic spin-offs, action figures and most anything relatable, dating all the way back to the Atari 2600. The only makeup I own is a powder foundation in the lightest color I could find, which was still a bit too dark, and some cheap Dollar Store mascara. My clothing consists of primarily hoodies, jackets, and double zero skinny jeans (Tracy calls me “Stick” sometimes, instead of my actual name), mostly of the darker variety. And I’ve never owned a pair of typical feminine footwear in my life; I stick with my obsessive collection of Chuck Taylors, numbering around two-hundred and twenty unique pairs (I lost count), including my custom Chuck Taylor “XX-Hi” knee-highs--my signature shoes. Of course my Chuck collection will never compare to Joshua Mueller’s, who holds the Guinness Book Of World Records award for owning over five-hundred different styles, most of which are of the All-Star variations. I don’t know Joshua personally, but I still hate him--I hate being out-nerded.

  I roll out of bed and finger through my DVD collection-alphabetized and categorized- scanning the horror section. Let The Right One In (The Swedish original--not the American version called, Let Me In). The Descent. Night of The Living Dead. The Orphanage. Psycho. Pan’s Labyrinth (I know it’s not a true horror film, but it contains elements of the genre). White Zombie-- yes, that’s the one I was looking for.

  White Zombie- released in 1932- is considered the first zombie feature film, and it’s also one of my favorite films ever. Sure the acting is a little cheesy, but there’s something awesome and campy about the film that just stimulates my nerdy nerves. It’s also shot in black and white--I just love that old school vibe.

  I shove in the DVD and push play before jumping back into my bed, like a little kid gearing up for her nightly bedtime story.  Scary movies are my ideal sleeping aid; shrill screams and creatures that go bump in the night put me into a near-instant level 4 REM sleep.

  The movie previews begin as I lay my head back against my pillow. So comfy. I love my bedroom, adore and revere it, almost as much as I did the Black Ranger -one of the original five Mighty Morphin Power Rangers - and his Mastadon Dinozoid when I was a child. Almost. But my room has an irreplaceable spot in my heart--I run here when I need to escape, or just plain distance myself from life. That’s priceless to me. And since Tracy lives in this house, I find myself doing an awful lot of running.

  Slowly, but surely, I being to slip off, the room gradually fading into black, thoughts of an eventful supper with the family archiving themselves into the recesses of my brain where the rest of my useless home-life memories lie dormant and sealed away. And now it’s just sleep and I…

  The phone rings and startles me half-to-death, causing me to roll out of bed, crashing hard to the floor on my butt. I stand up, cupping my left butt-cheek in pain, then twist my head back as far as I can to get a look at the damage. A big, red welt, stretching from under my Hello Kitty underwear, part way down my thigh.

  I answer my cellphone- a Galaxy S3 Android smartphone Dad got me so I’d finally shut up about how lame my flip-phone was- and yell into it, “Seriously, this better be good!”

  “Mattie! Mattie, oh my flippin’ gosh!” I knew right away it was Max, my absolute greatest friend in the world, because he’s the only person I know who replaces swear words with “flippin’”. He believes “Foul language is undignified for a level ninety-five World Of Warcraft mage,” or so he said. “Dude, you will not flippin’ believe this when I tell you!”

  “Oh really?” I say sarcastically, but smiling because I knew it had to be about something completely insignificant to anyone but the absolutely devout nerd. “Let me guess, you stumbled across some totally awesome Metroid hentai?”

  “No, better! Well, maybe not better, but pretty close!” he says, and very convincingly too. Now I’m actually pretty excited. “I got a triple headshot in Halo 4, with a flippin’ no-scope man!” he practically screams, then " in trademark form- laughs hysterically high-pitched like Peter Shaffer playing  Mozart in the 1984 movie, Amadeus.

  “Are you serious?” I say, forgetting about my butt pain, astounded by his latest video gaming feat. “Man, I haven’t even gotten a double no-scope yet…”

  “Yes! You need to get here, now! Now, Mattie!” he demands. “You need to see this first hand!”

  “Just send me it, please? It’s like midnight.”

  “No way! You think your standard-def television’s gonna do my epicness justice? Get real!”

  “Max…” I say with a sigh.

  “You need to see it with the Full HD, seriously!”

  That does sound awesome. Wait, am I actually considering this? “Well… I’ll have to sneak out.”

  “Do it! I’m in the basement. Door is unlocked. Get here now!”

  “Fine,” I say, giving in. “But don’t you ever call this late again on a school night. I was sleeping and you scared the crap out of me, man. Fell on my booty and everything. Bet I’ll bruise.”

  “Half-to-death like last night when I called?”

  “Yeah, which means I'm a zombie.”

  “Actually, if you were two halfs to death, you’d only be one-forth dead,” he explains. “Well, even if I scared you half-to-death a bajillion times, you’d never actually die, so no worries. It’s called a power series. Just saying,” he clarifies, laughing in that same ridiculous manner once again.

  “What?”

  “Calculus, dude.”

  “Oh shut up, geek. I’ll be over”

  “Hurry!”

END

Author's Note

May be slight grammar issues. Hope no one finds my grammar liberties aggravating. This is fiction after all, and grammar leeway is not only common, but encouraged.

This is formatted for a manuscript to be submitted to a publishing house. Note that "underlines" are used in place of italicizing.

Dig the dialogue?

Reviews

[Lina Grey]

Nothing like understanding nerdy fiction to remind you what a nerd you really are... I'm not even in calculus and I know what a power series is! Anyway, this whole thing is brilliant. I do "dig" the dialogue lol and everything else here. The character seems cool, she has great taste, and I like the whole conflict with her dad and step-mom. Great job.

[Issac Scott]

This is very,very late-- I'm sorry. But thank you so much. I truly appreciate it.

[Lina Grey]

haha it's fine. reviewing this was my pleasure :)

[Secret Lullaby]

wow this was actully kinda funny:D Loved it(: NERDS RULE!!

[Issac Scott]

Thank you very much! n.n

[Secret Lullaby]

Yeah No Problem(: Please tell me you are going to add more!! XD

[Issac Scott]

Haha, I was considering it, as long as I received some good responses. I guess I have, so I will be sure to do so asap, which should be like tomorrow haha. Thanks c: .. I'm encouraged...Ill be sure to check out some of your writing.

[Secret Lullaby]

YAY(: I can't wait to see what happend next(: I am so hooked on this! And thanks(:

[t&l_louise]

This is REALLY good :) I love it. Rebal, but geeky teenager. It's amazing. I mean, I'd read this as a book. I'd even watch a movie.
I understand what the character is like. I hate tofu and vegetarian stuff. I'd prefer meat.
But fantastic read :) Just love it .

[Issac Scott]

Awww, thanks. I wrote it while imagining the story in the form of a movie script, so I guess it's working. Still a work in progress. I feel energized to keep writing after reading comments like this. Thank you!!

[t&l_louise]

It's okay :) But it was amazing. Keep writing . I'll read it!

[Serenity]

I really like the character set up and how you immediatly know how she feels about this whole situation, and I also like the way she explains how her dad used to be compared to how he is now. Really nice dialogue. Love the character, she seems pretty cool, I love her taste in games and movies, Horror movies are the best...and like the title...Nerds Rule!!!

[Issac Scott]

Flattering! Thank you. I feel reaffirmed in finishing this novel. I really appreciate the compliments!

[Karen Preston]

Great main character! Also I can see what you mean by showing instead of telling.
I like this story.

[Issac Scott]

I love crafting characters; that's one of my favorite parts of writing. Thanks, Karen. I'll be sure to check out more of your work!

[Derek Cummings]

Yea, there are some minor grammatical errors...but I thought your use of description and dialogue made the story ready and flow smoothly. It was a fun read! Fun and funny dialogue, I thought.

[Issac Scott]

Thank you! Very appreciated.