Broken Rain

Broken Rain 

By: Ethan West

I am not like you

A battered bridge for others use

I am not like me

The man who fell down on his knees

A broken heart tied up with thread

Left scars of silence in it's tread

And even now my thought does cease

As tired mind attempts to ease

My sorrows right here ending my pain

Like a rusted rain jacket to fend off the rain

But rust as rust will, will crumble and fall

And drenched in my tears I'll desperately crawl

Away from the blood that broken heart leaks

Away from the pain that broken mind seeks

My pain has a way of being around

To beat me to death as I fall to the ground

The rain and the blood from broken heart patched

Like nothing I've seen, my spirit has crashed

It leaves me like this, away from my health

What was in my heart is now in my self

I lifted my head and she was above

Her face bore the grace of a beautiful dove

She beat me to death on that beautiful plain

My tears and my blood serenading the rain

My tears and my blood will fill me again

My tears and my blood will fill me again

Author's Note

Any feedback is greatly appriciated

Reviews

[Timeless-Chan]

wow i'm awestruck by the pure emotion and expression that this piece holds. the battle that the narrator goes through is just pure sorrow and pain. and the last lines just seem to pull the piece together perfectly. I love the line "My tears and my blood serenading the rain" it's both beautiful and heartbreaking.
Bravo:)

[ewest1220]

Thanks! I'm thrilled you like it!

[Mushiegirl]

What an incredible piece of writing - pure emotion, heartache, pain and sorrow. A story behind it? If not, your understanding of heartache and emotional pain is simply amazing.

[ewest1220]

Wow! Thank you so much for your kind words I'm thrilled you enjoyed my work!

[eglantine]

An interesting combination of modern speech hinting towards more Shakespearean sounding (i.e. "thoughts does cease" very close to "thoughts dost cease" ) very song-like in the end. I'd try playing around with the structure more--line spaces or indents... something to add to the brokeness of the speaker. "I am not like me" is a very resonating line.

[ewest1220]

I tend to either drift towards Shakespeare or Edgar Allen Poe in my writing it seems. Either way thank you so much for reading I'm thrilled you enjoyed my work!

[Poison Ivy]

awww this is so romantica!!!!

[ewest1220]

Thanks! I'm glad you liked it!

[Yheela]

Wonderfully painful, beautiful.

A suggestion, if you don't mind:
"Like a rusted rain jacket to fend off the rain" - might flow better with "fending" instead.

[ewest1220]

Interesting suggestion... I'll toy around with it and see how it sounds :) thanks for reading I'm really glad you liked it!

[IcYLuVa]

I am in awe by just everything about this piece. I love how I can really envision what you're trying to portray through this poem. In the simplest terms, it's beautiful. Amazing job!

[ewest1220]

Wow thank you! I'm really glad you liked it thank you so much for reading!

[KalliRose]

This is beautiful, excellent work:)

[ewest1220]

Thanks!

[Alisdair Mans Cornwell]

Most people have taken the words right out of my mouth with this one. I've always been quite picky with poetry, as I tend to lean towards more social and political poetic commentary. However, this poem grabbed me for a number of reasons:

1) The body of the poem has no stanza breaks, instead it is cemented together nicely, adding to the overall fluidity.

2) "I am not like you" is a revealing opening. It shows attention to yourself as well as the reader, involving the audience to the point where they become reflective of themselves. I personally asked myself the question, "Why am I not like you?" Cleverly done!

3) I believe this is an ABAB rhyme scheme? Done effectively, without quickening the pace too much. I personally would have had this poem less structured, but as I said, still effective.

4) The last four lines are interesting as they break away from the rhyme scheme. I'm guessing this was intentional? A simple method, but brilliant at really hitting the reader with the ending.

Good job, man!

[ewest1220]

Very interesting! I love how you've analyzed my work thank you so much for reading! While I'm don't have a whole lot of experience writing "Social and political commentary," I would love to get your input on other works if you have time. But anyways thank you so much for the very detailed and professional review and I'm thrilled that you enjoyed my work!

[Tate Morgan]

Interesting I am always the fan of rhythm and rhyme

[ewest1220]

Thanks! I'm glad you liked it!

[emilythestrange]

All your work is so full of sorrow, of pain, or betrayel, of trickery. I think you are a tallented writer, ewest

[ewest1220]

Thank you! I enjoy your work as well Emily thank you so much for reading!

[emilythestrange]

Thank you! I want to write a poem, and I have the inpiration to do it......

[pumpkin head]

Wow i really enjoyed this, I can feel the emotions go through,
i like how you repeated the last two lines, awesome touch.

[ewest1220]

Thanks! I'm thrilled you enjoyed my work!