Broken Rain

Broken Rain 

By: Ethan West

I am not like you

A battered bridge for others use

I am not like me

The man who fell down on his knees

A broken heart tied up with thread

Left scars of silence in it's tread

And even now my thought does cease

As tired mind attempts to ease

My sorrows right here ending my pain

Like a rusted rain jacket to fend off the rain

But rust as rust will, will crumble and fall

And drenched in my tears I'll desperately crawl

Away from the blood that broken heart leaks

Away from the pain that broken mind seeks

My pain has a way of being around

To beat me to death as I fall to the ground

The rain and the blood from broken heart patched

Like nothing I've seen, my spirit has crashed

It leaves me like this, away from my health

What was in my heart is now in my self

I lifted my head and she was above

Her face bore the grace of a beautiful dove

She beat me to death on that beautiful plain

My tears and my blood serenading the rain

My tears and my blood will fill me again

My tears and my blood will fill me again

Author's Note

Any feedback is greatly appriciated

Reviews

[Timeless-Chan]

wow i'm awestruck by the pure emotion and expression that this piece holds. the battle that the narrator goes through is just pure sorrow and pain. and the last lines just seem to pull the piece together perfectly. I love the line "My tears and my blood serenading the rain" it's both beautiful and heartbreaking.
Bravo:)

[ewest1220]

Thanks! I'm thrilled you like it!

[Jack Reaper]

simply amazing. the power of the emotions is intense. beautifully crafted and wonderously dark. excellent

[ewest1220]

Thanks! I'm really glad you enjoyed it!

[David Michael]

Again, a very poignant read, that can easily touch each reader, however differently.. I really like the first four lines, the parallelism, the adding of "s" to "you" and "me" to get "use" and "knees". I like the approximate rhymes in general - I tend to enjoy them more than exact rhymes. I also greatly enjoyed when phrases flowed over into new lines - I enjoy that type of poetry much more than "sing-songy" encapsulated lines (though it can be well-done, of course). I especially enjoyed lines 8-9, "As tired mind attempts to ease / My sorrows...". I also greatly enjoyed repetition of wording. I know some people don't particularly like that, but it reminds me of Poe's style, which I find quite enjoyable.

As with the last one, I could pick on some rhythm stuff. But I don't think I will, because this one is much freer in rhythm, which I like (a strict rhythmic pattern tends to lead to a bit more of that sing-songy feel). The one thing I think I'd like as a reader would be separation into "stanzas" - like, the first four lines could easily be grouped together to good effect. The last six or four lines likewise.

[ewest1220]

Interesting... You know I've toyed around with the idea of separating this into stanzas more times than I can count. However I think it may be about due for another look my original idea was two line stanzas but I felt some of the impact leave the piece when it was separated that way. I see where doing four lines in some areas may enhance the piece but I would love some additional input if you have time. Past that I'm once again thrilled you enjoyed my work thanks again for reading!

[David Michael]

I have never seen the point of forcing oneself into the same number of lines per stanza. It's obviously necessary for certain styles, but if you're not specifically using those, there's no need. So if part of the trouble you've run into is trying to divide equally (e.g. couplets, as you mention; I agree, that doesn't work so well for this one), I'd say don't bother and just split where it seems most natural.

At a quick glance, the first 4 then next 6 could be stanzas. Lines 11-20 are trickier, but definitely the last 6 could be a cohesive stanza.

Back to 11-20, 11-14 have to stay together, obviously. I have a hard time separating the next 4 though, because I like the focus on rain, blood, pain, and falling - "drenched in my tears" with "The rain...from broken heart patched"; "crumble and fall" with "I'll desperately crawl" and "beat me to death as I fall to the ground" (which also alludes to rain, beating the ground, falling from above); and of course pain and blood weave throughout.

A radical suggestion would be to have a stanza of 8 lines (11-18) and then one of 2, since 19-20 seem to sum up everything before, while transitioning into the last stanza. That would give 4-6-8-2-6. But rather than 8-2, you could do either 4-6 or 6-4 - that'd work fine too, I think.

[ewest1220]

Interesting, I'll toy around with it and let you know what I find out. Thanks for the advice!

[Kelsey]

My jaw had dropped by the time I finished reading this. It's absolutely beautiful, so full of emotion, and so delicately written. The flow of this piece is perfect, the rhyming is lovely, and the repeated line at the end is great. All in all, wonderful job.

[ewest1220]

Wow thanks! I'm really thrilled you enjoyed this thank you so much for reading!

[unknown]

Something that a lot of people take for granted is the ability to write very well placed words, and you've a magic with words that not a lot of writers have. If I had this, my work would be published, and I'd be sitting at home while waiting for my child to arrive right now. :) You write beautifully, and this brought something into my heart that I never realized could be put there. Wonder.

[ewest1220]

Once again you have me at a loss for words my friend. Thank you so much for reading I'm thrilled you enjoyed my work :)

[unknown]

I'm glad that I got the chance to read something that is beautiful in words, and can make such an amazing impact. :)

[Bats In The Belfry]

"A battered bridge for others to use, drenched in my tears I'll desperately crawl" Touchingly poetic indeed!

[ewest1220]

Thanks! I'm really glad you enjoyed my work thanks for reading!

[Dr. Wood ?]

great title to what appears to what COULD be a greater song...As young dreamer said..both beautiful and heart wrenching...Quite brilliant

[ewest1220]

Wow thank you! I'm really glad you enjoyed my work thank you so much for reading! I'm thinking about this as a song now might play around with the idea actually...

[Dr. Wood ?]

Pick up that guitar

[Kuhr Gred]

feels like. . . i can't say any word. . it's really beautiful. . amazing :) thanks for an add
- Kuhr Gred

[ewest1220]

Of course! Thanks for reading I'm thrilled you enjoyed my work!

[Chloe..Across the Unive..]

I really like this and your style. I like the emotions that come through so well.
Broken hearts , how they hurt and you have well written of that pain. I really like the line , like a rusted rain jacket.. very nice writing.

[ewest1220]

Wow thank you so much! I'm really thrilled you enjoyed my work and actually the rusted rain jacket line is my favorite as well! Once again I'm thrilled you liked it thank you so much for reading!

[Chloe..Across the Universe]

You are welcome , i enjoyed :) Yes, that is a great line.
Take care.

[ewest1220]

You as well :)

[Chloe..Across the Universe]

Thank you :)

[DRD]

Pain is often what we make of it, the lines "And even now my thought does cease'
As tired mind attempts to ease" reflect that even in pain he will continue on while the line"My tears and my blood will fill me again" shows that he heals always. this poem lets people know that they will survive even when it's at its darkest. It is truly beautiful in it's saddened truth.

[ewest1220]

Wow thank you so much for the detailed feedback! I'm thrilled you enjoyed my work thank you so much for reading!

[Valentine]

This is prett good..you are yooung..lots of time to grow in your writing..just keep them coming..Valentine

[ewest1220]

Thanks! I'm glad you liked it!