January

A Chapter by Eve O'Connell

“Happy f*****g New Year.” I grumbled, almost inaudibly to the bodies that surrounded me. I don’t actually know if I spoke at all. I knew I was staring at a glass pipe and that I was holding it in my hand, but the amount of substance already in my system made everything disconnected. I had already taken two hits of DMT and now, just a hit of crystal to roll me into another year. I was cosmic.

I didn’t even bother attempting to lift my head to watch the fireworks from my spot in the corner. They were already dancing in my brain. I did lift my head, briefly, to glance at the bodies. Each body was a slice of energy swaying in slow motion�"dancing apparitions. They all looked so beautiful amongst the explosions in the sky, the bangs and fizzles muffled by my drug-addled ears. This was the extent of my connection with others�"a slight respect for their glistening bodies swaying through bloodshot eyes. That was as close as I ever got to friendship. My real friends lied within the bowl of my glass pipe. At my will, they burned for me. They would enter my body and find a way to my soul, tickling and igniting something that I always forgot was there. Upon that initial exhale, an exchange would happen; their tiny, neon souls for a piece of mine. I gladly let them take it as my pupils filled the whites of my eyes.

I placed my head against the rusted metal wall behind me. What I guessed was toxic waste trickled down from the top of the wall. I let my eyes rest on the top of the tall, corroded wall I was sitting against. Beyond this roofless room were hundreds of stars veiled by the thin, airborne smoke of a hundred dead fireworks. The DMT created beautiful fractals in my eyes and the galaxy quickly became a kaleidoscope. It was a nice distraction from the filth of this ‘night club’. A roofless air hangar that seemed to have barely survived Nuclarity and was dripping actual, toxic waste. Whether you were straight edge or jagged as hell didn’t matter in here�"everyone was gaining highs from the fumes.

I thought back to the pre-Nuclarity world when I was younger, dumber and climbing ladders. Dancing in actual night clubs with thick bass and light shows that would swirl in my eyes and through my body. Acting rich and snorting cocaine with the high-rollers. Those were the days. Now it was just junkie raves in air hangars, surrounded by disgusting bodies. At least I never had to see them for what they were. I was always long gone before my high wore away and the glistening apparitions returned to their meek, fleshy forms.

The Nuclarity was a brilliant plan thought up by the wonderful people who run this nation. It was campaigned as “The societal rebuild that will make us a stronger, healthier world”. For months leading up to it cities were covered in propaganda and ads that anticipated ‘change’ and ‘freedom’. Not much information was given out about what this change actually was, we all thought it was going to be another election or green energy breakthrough. Heh, if only.

Behind closed doors, politicians were working with scientists to create a chemical ray that would eliminate mankind. Basically, the virus that had infected Earth had decided to kill itself off because, lets face it, humans are terrible f**k-ups and the simplest solution always ends up being the best one. Somewhere along the line of increasing poverty and unemployment rates, growing health concerns, global warming and increasing war zones, we gave up. Fair call.

Nuclarity was a term first coined by internet conspiracy theorist nut cases who believed that the ‘societal change’ would in fact be some sort of nuclear war or elimination. They weren’t far off in the end. It’s been called Nuclarity ever since.

Witnessing the world die around me was unforgettable. The date was disclosed as 07.07.20 months before. As that day grew closer, you could see people start to sweat, even get a little crazy. The vagueness didn’t phase me however, I was far into my crystal habits at this time and spent most of my hours in much better places than real life. The night before the 7th I had spent in an unknown person’s penthouse with wealthy strangers, champagne and hard drugs. Upon waking up on the morning of, I found myself alone in the room, except for one other girl my age, looming over the bed like a monster.

“What have you done this time? Seriously Rey, you’ve gotta stop destroying your body like this.”

“What? Ugh, close the curtains.”

“Whose place is this? Who were you with last night? When was the last time you ate something?”

“F**k off sis, like being a bulimic model isn’t any better.”

My sister, Leyla, always floated around as if she were in an endless photo shoot. It was impossible to see her from an unforgiving angle.

“I’m not bulimic, and I also don’t do drugs, unlike some. Seriously, lets get out of here. I’ll buy you breakfast.”

“Right, most important meal rejection of the day…”

Rey always looked out for me. She was concerned, of course, but back then I gave no s***s about anyone. Not even my family. I was busy f*****g my own life up, and always kept my distance to refrain from letting my f**k-ups seep into other people’s lives. What junkie needs that on their shoulders? It was with as much reluctance as I could muster that I went to breakfast with Ley.

“Ley, look. You don’t need to track me down whenever I miss your call.”

“Nobody’s heard from you in a month Reyla.”

“Oh, we’re using full names, are we? I’m old enough to take care of myself sis, why can’t you just go drown in your own personal success, before your looks fade?”

“You could’ve been a model, you know. We’re twins but we haven’t looked identical for two years. Seriously Rey, what made you choose….this?” Making an exasperated motion with her arms, I sighed heavily, rolling my eyes in response.

“Rey, everyone worries about you.”

Feeling agitated from the gunk still bubbling within my system I snapped.

“Do you think I f*****g care?! I make my own decisions! I’m sorry I didn’t choose to flaunt my f*****g s**t to perverted producers and photographers for a buck! Jesus Christ Ley!”

If people weren’t staring at the famous model with her junkie twin sister in an uptown café before, they sure were now.

“I’m done. F**k this s**t. Just delete my number, never chase me up again sis.”

“Rey! Please, I wanna pay for your rehab before you kill yourself. You’re my sister!”

“Oh, f**k off. You just want the ‘good, caring sister’ publicity behind you. Just let me die.”

I said those words at exactly midday. I’ll remember midday forever, because that was when the chemical ray struck the nation. Without warning, the skies filled with a low humming. The stereo system in the café stopped playing soft music and a siren wailed from the speakers, followed by an official sounding voice exclaiming;

“This is for the good of Earth. Our top priority should have always been the planet we inhabit. After 6000 years of neglect, war and pollution, the National Board of Science alongside the United Nations has made the decision to make a change that will allow Earth to begin again. On behalf of the United Nations, thank you all for your services on Earth up until this moment. Today marks our final page in the history books. We wish you well.”

Click.

Ley’s eyes darted to meet mine. I’m not sure what was reflected in them, and there will never be enough time in the world to ponder what that look meant. It was fear, mixed with a touch of confused denial, as if she were saying, “This…this is a joke right?” Oh, sweet Ley.

About a second after the click of the audio transmission, the low, resonant hum fired into a high pitched mechanical whir. The air suddenly became extremely warm and humid, like a summer’s day in the tropics. But unlike a humidity that simply settled on the skin, this warmth penetrated my entire body. I felt it initially in my stomach and up through my chest, then it touched the backs of my eyeballs. I’ll never forget what it felt like to feel heat behind your eyes, truly inside your head. The wave passed through us and everyone else in the café within a second. It’s funny to think that my most memorable bonding experience with my twin sister was watching each other die. A moment where we both felt the exact same fear and numbness pulse through us.

Moments passed. Everyone in the café stood, staring at each other in disbelief. I couldn’t tell you how many moments passed before the next phase struck us. And the next. Wave after wave of heat, chemicals and God knows what else. It was after the third wave that I realized we were going to die. It’s a funny feeling, knowing that your time is up. In the state I was in, I was ready to accept it, but I’ll never forget Ley’s face. Ley’s glowing eyes. She had so much to live for, so much left to do. She looked at me as if she believed I could save her. As if I was her only hope. After the sixth wave, I stared in horror as the people surrounding me, including Ley, began vomiting. First bile, then blood. The chemical rays were destroying us from the inside out. I couldn’t handle the sound, sight and smell of fifteen people vomiting in an enclosed space. As I felt my own stomach heave, I dragged myself outside onto the streets. A car had crashed into a bakery across the street. The blood of thousands of lunch-goers ran down the road like a hellish river. It was only when I saw a family at a table bleeding to death-the mother clutching her already deceased newborn as she screamed in red-did I vomit.

I’m making this sound chaotic, what with the crashed car and an entire population vomiting all over the city at the same time. The horrifying truth was that the whole ordeal was somehow quiet. Nobody screamed as humanity ended, there were no bombs, tsunamis or raptures. Everyone stood, sat or kneeled where they were, completely powerless to their rapidly eroding bodies. Another haunting aspect of the end was the fact that nobody filmed it. In every single direction I managed to turn my head, not once did I see a single person capturing the scene on their phone. That was the difference between disaster and oblivion.

I could feel my body dissolving after the ocean of chemical waves subsided. By this point, my whole torso was pressed against the sidewalk. Even though I felt hollow, I’d also never felt heavier. I regretted leaving the café, leaving my sister to die alone. Surely any second now… I thought to myself. The sounds of strangers heaving on the streets had subsided, along with the mechanical whirring that had been present throughout the ordeal. All that was left was my own struggling breath echoing through my skull. I was dying. I sought no repentance. Trying to accept past regrets seemed pointless in my mind. Accepting death was all I had. It was 12:15pm. The busy, inner city restaurant strip was silent on a Tuesday afternoon. Without opening my eyes or moving from the ground, I took in the silence. Forcing my body to take one, final inhale, I imagined that my last breath was a hit. This time, however, the ultimate trip came at the ultimate exchange: the tiny neon souls for all of mine. I exhaled.

Here’s the thing about DMT. It’s a naturally occurring chemical in the human brain. When your brain realizes you’re dying, it’ll ease you into it, because your brain still loves you, even when you don’t love yourself. It does this by releasing DMT. By giving you that vision of the bright light, pearly gates, your family and friends or fond memories, your brain tells you that everything is going to be okay. Acting like a mother hushing her crying baby, our brain gives us something many of us don’t deserve-comfort in our final moments.

On 07.07.20, I experienced this first hand. That final exhale sent me far away, to a place beyond any plane I had ever visited during any other drug trip. Simply put, everything was grey. Not the grey you see in the sky before a thick rainstorm, but the grey that follows it. When the clouds have spilled their sorrows to us, and the final drops come in sporadic rhythms, just before the sun reappears-that was the grey I felt. It was clarity, like the feeling you get after locking yourself away and crying how you’ve been wanting to cry. It was the airy comfort of freed emotions. However in my case, it was so much more. I was free from my body too. I was purely a soul that could float amongst the greyness with no attachments or worries. There were no emotions and nothing mattered, because there was no matter. There was no time. There was no space. There was just grey.

It could have been decades spent in greyness. It could have been a second. I was there and a part of me never returned from that place. The rest of me, however, knew the trip had to end. As my soul danced and darted along the greyness, I noticed a change in the texture surrounding me. The grey void became touchable, like a silver silk blanket, stretching infinitely. Within a moment of its creation, the silk crumpled and fluttered, revealing valleys and peaks within the material. The darker and lighter additions blurred my vision, and my soul became weighted. As the coolness and comforts of greyness began to fade, I couldn’t help but notice a dull thudding feeling. What was that? The visions of silk had completely disappeared by this point and blackness consumed me. The thudding became more prominent. A heart. My heart. I was a human being. My name was Reyla Covera. I was 24 years old. I lived in San Francisco. The year was 2020. My sister was Leyla Covera. Ley…

My eyes barely opened and light seared through my head. Life came back to me hard and fast. My hummingbird heart seemed to thud audibly against the concrete I was lying on. How long was I out for? It didn’t take long for the memories of oblivion to come back to me. The feeling of chemical waves, the bile and blood. Ley’s eyes. I don’t know if I cried because I was overwhelmed from the events, from my sheer inability to move my body or from the come down. I didn’t need to open my eyes any more to know where I was or what had happened. Crying was literally all I was capable of. If I wasn’t quite hollowed out from the chemicals already, those tears were definitely the last fluids I had left in my body. I cried and all I could think was, Why the f**k am I still here?

The makeshift DJ booth thudded abusively. At least we still had music after Nuclarity. Being in this air hangar, surrounded by the munted faces and bodies of fellow junkies, would’ve made the old me sick. I was the junkie, meddling with upper class addicts. Now there was only filth. Luckily, with the amount of DMT and crystal pulsing through my system, I didn’t care. I was still cosmic.

The weight of another drug-addled body pressed against my arm. I hadn’t paid attention as they sat down right next to me. They could’ve been there the whole time, but I would never have noticed if it weren’t for the skin to skin contact. I forgot how it felt to share the heat of another life. Nobody touched anymore. You wouldn’t want to touch anyone nowadays. But within that soft touch, I felt an electricity heightened by drugs. I turned to look at them. He was thin, filthy and happy. I studied his face�"glazed eyes barely open, a tiny but noticeable grin�"he stared into a galaxy only he could see. I couldn’t help but twitch a smile. I know. Isn’t it beautiful? Suddenly, his smile faltered and he slowly turned to face me. I wanted to turn away and return to my own galaxy, but the touch had dragged me in, and now I wanted to experience eye contact. It was like receiving a new high, from a different strain or drug you weren’t used to. His eyes, although drooping into oblivion, saw mine for a moment, and I saw his. A faint, shared respect for the DMT netherworld passed between us. The air became thick with knowledge and understanding, if only for a moment. Contentedness. His head drooped into the wall as his eyes fully closed. He was gone. As I returned my gaze to the dance floor, I couldn’t help turning back to watch another person experience heaven from our hell. Eventually I would come down and I’d see things for what they really were. I needed to get out of there before that happened, but I was shackled by my discovery of this intriguing high. Shackled until the straight edge folk crashed the party, that is.

Fireworks long gone, a new force lit up the sky. Wielding flamethrowers, Edgers came through the rave, breaking havoc with fire. Edgers were the name I had heard floating around, used to describe the self-entitled, straight edge scum that had dropped their addictions after Nuclarity. Instead of helping others try to break their habits and form some sort of healthy society, they just fucked s**t up.

The DJ booth went up in flames and warped the melodies within an instant.

“Party hard, drug-f***s!”

Funnily enough, barely half of the people in the rave payed attention as five Edgers set the place alight. It’s interesting how differently your brain reacts to danger when you’re in a bubble of illicit substance. Everything happened in slow motion around me, but I was absolutely fine, as if I were simply taking in the cinematography of a film. Of course, I wasn’t as far gone as I could’ve been, which probably saved my life. The slow motion of the scene was waning and I began processing the chaos at normal speed. My beautiful apparitions that swayed amongst the fireworks were being set alight. I watched them accept their fate in a spectacle of fire and smoke. Their skin peeled back and revealed what was within�"nothing. Nothing except for muscle and bone, burning up with each passing second. It made me sad, knowing that that was all we were inside. I made an effort to get up and leave before the flames spread to my side of the hangar, but I paused as I faced the man next to me again, still in his heaven. Two thoughts rushed through me. I could’ve saved his doped up a*s, risking my own life; or I could’ve left him to burn with the comfort of knowing he was so far gone his demise would most likely terribly beautiful, to him at least. Momentarily, I trembled over the idea of being burned alive while on such a DMT high. It was followed by a much more subtle tremble, one I barely noticed, as I thought of this man in particular as his life smoldered. I shook the feeling within an instant. Goodbye.

My skin prickled as the heat suddenly intensified. The Edgers had made their way over to my side and the flames followed relentlessly, as if under orders. The leader of the pack was a man I recognized. I had seen him on a few occasions, looting stores, causing havoc and always leaving a path of destruction in his wake alongside his troop of Edger scum. He was known only as K, and he was about as intimidating as he was reckless. I don’t blame him or any of them, however; if I had sobered up after Nuclarity, I’d probably entertain myself in awfully sociopathic ways too. There wasn’t much else to do.

There was an opening in the wall right by me. I knew I should have slipped out immediately but the chaos of the fire and the burning bodies played out like a devastating opera and I wanted to stay for the final act. K suddenly caught sight of me�"I could see the cogs turning in his head. He must’ve read the flinch that rippled across my face because he immediately smirked in amusement and turned back to his friends. I saw him mouth “worthless junkie” just before I ducked out of the hangar and into the cool winter night.

“Happy f*****g New Year.”

Strobes. The blinding whites. The fascinatingly blinding whites that had me believing they were cutting right through my soul. The bass threaded a beat that drove me into a frenzy on the dance floor, surrounded by hundreds of other people, all looking stunning. After popping two pills a few hours ago, everything was stunning.

The guy I was with grabbed my waist and swayed with me, in the same level of ecstasy. With the biggest smiles across our faces, we expertly made our way through the throng of clubbers towards the bar. I saw him mouth “Moet” to the bartender, holding up two fingers in the process. I knew exactly where we would go next. Taking me by the hand, the crowds seemed to part for us as we strutted to the private booth he had hired out.

“You, my diamond Reyla, are destined for incredible things. F*****g incredible things!” His eyes glittered almost as brightly as his teeth. In that moment, I felt incredibly loved and giggled in response, “Yeah, tell me about it.”

“I will tell you about it Rey, just as soon as these two bottles of Moet are finished!”

“I’ll drink to that!”

I was so involved with him that I didn’t even notice the others who sat with us in the booth. There was Sidney, Tyra and Susan�"three beautiful models who were under the incredible agent who sat next to me. Franco Kristiansen. That smile, that face. It was a mystery as to why he chose management over modeling, but damn, he was good at it. Franco ran Stargasm�"one of the most successful modelling agencies in the States. I’d met him by chance�"he noticed me beneath the shadow of my sister. Leyla Covera, superstar internationally-acclaimed model. You couldn’t drive 20 miles without seeing her likeness plastered on billboards, advertising everything from Chanel to Vuitton. As her twin, I shared her looks, but not her personality. She was white and I was, well, grey. Franco however, he made me feel like a rainbow.

“Rey, your sister is incredible,” Sidney turned to me, “but you, you have a uniqueness that hasn’t been seen in years. Everyone loves a girl that’s equal parts beautiful and mysterious.”

I smiled in response. Thank God for MDMA. My upper was peaking and I imagined that this was how it felt to be confident. This was how my sister felt every day, no matter what she was doing. Heck, she’d feel fabulous taking a dump. The thought of her posing and pouting while sitting on the toilet sent me into a mess of laughter, and I shared my vision with the models and Franco. His deep laugh echoed in my eyes as I watched his tanned neck stretch back in good humour. Electrifying.

My glass of champagne was already empty and Franco held the bottle, ready to top me up. I watched as liquid gold filled my glass, bubbling and sparkling. I drank the gold down, savouring every drop. I was ready to dance, I could do anything. I could model if I wanted�"I’d be even more notorious than Ley.

“Well, what does a beautiful, mysterious girl have to do to get you all to dance with her?”

I loved being among the throng of people moving and shaking to the bass�"our bodies quivering as one, reacting to the stellar show of light and sound. This was me at my most confident. Thrashing and shaking to the music, throwing around my independence among hundreds of others. Being amongst the clubbers was vulnerability and comfort all in one. I felt safe within the huddle, but I was also on display�"to anyone who cared to take notice. I believe that’s where the comfort comes from. We know that we are able to do what we like, dance how we feel among a hundred strangers, because they will not care, they will not judge. We feel ourselves in the entanglement of people, light and sound, if only for a few hours.

At dawn, we emerged into the San Francisco morning silent and happy. I stood still and took a deep breath. I allowed myself this short gap of calmness before the impending comedown. Franco tapped me on the shoulder, “Hey, so, you have the cash for those bumps I gave you?”

A part of me was pissed, a part of me knew my place. Franco didn’t owe me s**t, I was totally indebted to him and his drugs. I guess we all hope that we can one day attain a level of beauty that surpasses the need for money, however I was not there yet. I didn’t let him see that though.

“Yeah. Here you go. See you sometime.”

“Sweet, thanks Rey. Call me when you’re out next.”

I turned and began walking away with a straight back, acting unfazed as Franco ushered Sidney, Tyra and Susan into his cab.

Junkies don’t tend to trust other junkies. Living in a world populated by them, I didn’t have any friends. Hell, I’m not even a friend to myself. I can’t even remember a time before Nuclarity where I liked myself. Expectations fucked with me. Expectations put on me by my twin sister, and those put on me by society. But now, without expectations, what is to be expected of me? Sometimes I sat and pondered that for a while, letting the sadness manifest and grow, until it was solid enough to shake off, like snow resting on my shoulders.

I was alone in this wasteland, too scared of pain to kill myself, yet fascinated by death. Most days were spent lying in my old apartment, which looked exactly how I left it the day of Nuclarity. A trashy apartment for a trashy soul. Living off of scraps and bumps, I wasn’t sure how I was still alive. I was hungry �" a lot. DMT, cocaine and ecstasy helped abate me. If some drug manufacturers weren’t junkies themselves, we’d all be fucked.

It was a week after New Years, and I was out of drugs. Frantic and shaky, I tore my apartment apart, hoping to find some powder within the carpet, down the sofa �" anywhere, anything. Nothing. Straight out. It was no secret that access to drugs was quickly diminishing, and running out meant bad news for two reasons. One: there was a high chance that you wouldn’t find a supplier with stock again. Two: you’ll probably die trying to find it. The second didn’t bother me or many others though, we were all on death row anyway. So with that, I set off to San Francisco’s dump of a night quarter to find Declan, my most trusted source.

“Declan ain’t here. He got murdered a few days ago.”

F*****g Declan.

“Okay. Know anyone around here that could help me out?”

The guy who I’d bumped into first was Ian �" he could usually be seen around Declan, however not anymore, it seemed.

“Look man, I dunno..”

“What the f**k do you mean ‘I dunno’?”

“I mean, I DON’T KNOW. Declan was my guy too. And everyone else around here is either dried up or lying about it.”

“So how do I know you’re not lying to me about Declan?”

“Either believe me and deal with it or f**k off.”

“Okay. Alright…f**k.”

“You can say that again. I haven’t shot up in six hours. I’m fucked.”

For a moment, I looked up and assessed Ian’s state. I never took him for a heroin guy until now, until I actually looked at him. Yeah, he was fucked.

“S**t man, good luck with that.” He flinched at my words and within a millisecond, I knew I’d made a mistake. My relaxed sincerity was processed through his withdrawing mind as seething sarcasm.

“F**K OFF YOU B***H! DON’T YOU DARE TALK TO ME LIKE YOU’RE F*****G SUPERIOR.”

“What? Ian calm d-“

And with that he knocked me flat and hobbled off, in search for destructive, beautiful chemicals.

His brittle boned arms didn’t do much damage, but colliding with my face did knock me down and out for a solid second or two. Idiot. Junkie. B*****d. A whole world of them. I brought myself up to a sitting position, unsure of what to do next. No drugs, no contacts, nothing. No family, no friends. It never bothered me at all before Nuclarity. Now the world posed a sick joke right in my face. Ley’s expression �" the last time I saw her face �" never left me. It was, sadly, my clearest memory among the glowing fuzzes of my past. Once again, I let the snow settle on my shoulders, before shaking it off and standing up. I needed to find someone. Someone with something. But they sure as hell weren’t around here, which meant delving deeper into San Fran’s drug scene. It may have seemed “cool” and “glamourous” through the eyes of indie magazines and blogs, but that was pre-Nuclarity. Now, it was truly a dance with the devil. I was desperate, so I went.

After three hours of walking, sweating, screaming and kicking concrete, I found myself no higher than what I was that morning. Empty handed and suffering withdrawals, I began accepting my approaching fate, when suddenly…

“Hey.”

I turned around to see a lanky guy, leaning against a dumpster in an alleyway �" a perfect representation of what you’re taught to avoid from a young age.

“What.” Being as blunt and moody as possible, considering he’d most likely observed my breakdown earlier.

“I got stuff.”

“Sure you do. What stuff?”

“I’ll give you coke. Coke for some suck action.”

Yes, it was shady, but currency was obsolete now. I glanced him up and down. He was filthy, thin and sunken. Although I never sucked dick for drugs before Nuclarity - and rarely did it now - it was still a better bargain than fighting for it. Without a word, I approached him and knelt down, facing his crotch. I looked to the side as I let out a breath, briefly assessing the whole situation. Okay, just do it. Get your fix.

I pulled his jeans down past his bones without having to even unbutton them. Wretchedness struck me hard and fast. Riddled with red blotches and a smell nobody should ever have to inhale, I retracted in disgust.

“F**k! No!” I heard a sharp whoosh cut through the air and flinched, braced to take a hit. But nothing came. There were more whooshing sounds and I looked up in confusion. The sounds were breaths, sharp inhalations; he was crying. The guy sunk to the floor, head in his hands.

“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I know it’s bad. I just…wanted someone to see it, make it a reality, but…but…they didn’t care. You’re the first person to refuse! The rest…they…did it.”

“Well, what did you expect? At least you got something out of it.”

“Filthy f***s! It’s one thing to have an STD but a whole other thing to willingly take that on for drugs. This place is fucked. I hate this. I hate my existence. I wanna dish out the last of my stash and jump from the Golden Gate.”

“Why haven’t you just done that already? Like, I mean, there’s nothing left for anyone; why wait til you’ve given away your stash? Just give it all to one person and end things.”

“Well, obviously, I’m still scared. I don’t want to die, man. I guess I started giving away my stash piece by piece because I was stalling, and because I was looking for something…different.”

“Different?”

“Yeah, you. You’re the difference. It’s the f*****g apocalypse, you’re obviously a junkie, yet you’re the first junkie to refuse drugs from me, because you still have respect for yourself. S**t, I reckon you’re the only one left.”

I listened to him in silence. Here I was, in an alleyway with the most philosophical junkie I’d ever met. It was interesting, I’ll admit, to know that I was the first to refuse a diseased dick - although I didn’t read into it as much as he had.

“Well, it is the junkie apocalypse. I don’t blame ‘em for doing anything to get their fix. Do you?”

“Um…I guess not.”

“Right well, why not give the rest to me, since, you know, I’m different.”

He looked offended when I said that; as if I cared. Then, I couldn’t help but notice his expression change as he stared at me. It was as if he had just noticed something about me that he hadn’t before.

“Can I ask you something?”

“I’ll answer for the rest of your stash, dude.”

“Okay, whatever. Did you…when it happened…Nuclarity…did you…go there?”

I acknowledged his face. He was referring to that void. That beautiful, peaceful greyness.

“Umm…sorry what?”

“When the sirens ended, and I passed out, I thought I’d passed on, you know? The pain had left me and it was as if I couldn’t even fathom the idea of emotions �" bad or good. It was…really nice.”

“Huh, yeah. Did you, um, did it look like anything to you?”

“No, well, it’s hard to tell. It was just, kind of…blue, I guess.”

“Blue…”

“Yeah, you get what I mean? I know it’s pretty hard to describe.”

“I know. Yeah, I get it.”

Blue. Interesting.

“Well, that was touching.” A figure slinked out of a doorway, deeper in the alley.

It was K. He pointed a gun at the guy who I was talking with.

“Yeah so, what the f**k do you want exactly?” We both scowled at him, kind of impatiently. It’s funny how a drug-addled apocalypse changes the way you deal with being held at gunpoint.

“Isn’t it obvious? I want to give you what you want, dickwad.”

Without hesitation, K fired his gun. I heard the deafening BANG cut into my ears followed by the warm, wet embrace of flesh and blood colliding with my face and chest. With the philosophical junkie dead, it was safe to say that no emotion echoed within the alleyway at all. I sat, staring at K as the skin, muscle and blood of a man I didn’t know slid down my face and pooled around me. He stared back, just as expressionless. It was I who broke the silence.

“Did you really have to use a f*****g shotgun from two feet away? Seriously, K. This is disgusting.”

“Well f**k, excuse me princess,” K quickly looked in both directions, “C’mon, this way.”

When I said all that stuff about not having friends, not trusting anyone and being alone, I wasn’t lying. And yeah, K is a straight-edge sociopathic murderer, but honestly, if it weren’t for his company from time to time, nothing would be keeping me here.

We went through the door in the alleyway he had emerged from and he guided me into what appeared to be an abandoned hotel. We took the fire escape stairs up and up and up; I started getting pissed. Being addicted to drugs while being covered with blood was really taking its toll on me.

“F**k me, K, how many more stairs do we have to-” He stopped abruptly and turned to me. I watched as he dug one hand into his jeans pocket, pulling out a small bag of white powder. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him as he gently sucked his index finger and then placed it into the bag. Pulling it out, he placed his powdered finger against my lips, and I shivered in response. My eyelids frenzily fluttered as he leaned in close and “Shhhhhhh”ed me. We walked up seven more flights of stairs and I didn’t utter a word. When we finally reached the level K was leading me to, my weak legs were just about to give in.

Pushing the door open, I walked through into a fully tiled room with floor to ceiling windows, a large swimming pool greeting us.

“Well. would you look at that.” Five skeletons lazed over pool lounges, frozen in the positions they took in their last moments.

“You should’ve smelled this place before I smashed some windows open.”

I couldn’t help but laugh, “You’re telling me you actually aired the place out beforehand? You actually had this prepared?”

“Well, I come up here sometimes. Was on my way here when I heard you refusing dick in an alley. Didn’t even know you were in the area. Must be pretty dry uptown.”

“Heh, yeah. Wouldn’t be down this way otherwise.”

“Oh whatever. You were subconsciously looking for me.”

“Wow. That’s a big word for little K.”

He shot me a look that was equal parts amusement and distaste. I responded by staring out the window. From the twelfth floor of an abandoned hotel, I took in post-apocalyptic San Francisco. It was strange, staring at such an incredible city that was once the world’s hub for almost everything. It was like staring at any bustling city from a height, except you simply feel the abandonment. The silence is so encrusted into each dark crevice that it’s inescapable. Eternally. Down below, there were no commuters bustling to and fro, no corporate workers filling the offices, no women birthing new life in the hospitals. The loneliness descended from the ceiling, as thick as water; I allowed it to engulf me, however I couldn’t shake it as I did with the snow that fell on my shoulders.

I don’t know how long I stood there, immobilized by the sudden feeling, but eventually the water subsided around me and I turned to K. He was staring directly at me, I was unsure how long he’d been staring. Something else bubbled within me when I stared back. For once, I wanted him to understand, to purely know what I wanted. I wanted him to see my broken eyes and walk across the floor and hold me tightly, telling me it was okay, and that he didn’t know how much longer he could last either. It took me another second to realise that was not going to happen.

“You know, you look pretty sexy when you’re covered with someone else’s blood.”

I huffed a smile, and strode towards the pool. The metaphorical water had left me, so then I submerged myself into the realistic kind.

As my head dipped under the surface I relished in the thick, wet silence. I opened my eyes and watched some of the blood lift from my skin and blurrily dance with the water. It was the most peaceful, human experience I had felt in a long time. A muffled explosion broke the peace; from a flurry of bubbles, K emerged in front of me. He remained still with me under the water. Reaching out a hand, he touched my cheek and wiped away some blood. He then surfaced for air, as did I - I hated that I followed his lead, like a puppy. He never remarked on it though, so that put me at ease, at least a little. With both our heads above the tainted blue water, I studied his speckled amber eyes. For someone who now killed for sport, his eyes still echoed softly of his past. Who were you before all this? I wondered. It was not my place to ask; our companionship was purely based off of mutual comfort. No deep conversations, no memories, just the comfort of being by someone’s side whenever we happened to collide. K would also be killed if any of his Edger friends found out that we hung out occasionally. Edgers and scum simply couldn’t mix.

“So, what do you think of this place? Not too shabby, eh?”

“K…”

“Yeah, what’s up?”

“I’ve been thinking a lot lately. And I just...want to…” be real with you. For once.

His amber eyes studied my mouth as I strained to keep it from trembling over my words.

“...snort that beautiful snow you have in your pocket.” That was close.

K smiled and winked, completely ignorant to my swallowed thoughts and feelings. Phew.

“Well, as long as you promise not to tell my fellow droogs.”

“Oh, I’m Facebooking them as we speak.”

“Hah, Facebook. Jesus, I remember those days. Smartphones, wow. We came such a long way, really.”

“Yeah, we did.”

We made our way to the only lounge unoccupied by bones. Taking a seat on the edge of it, I stared around the room, assessing the high ceilings; the setting sun hit the disturbed pool water and made blue and golden light dance above us. K joined me in my bubble of peace. I didn’t mind at all. We sat there for a while, breathing in the peace and quiet. K really was my lifeline. To be able to sit in peace next to someone at that moment, I felt okay for the first time since Nuclarity.

“Rey.”

K brought me back from my hypnogogic state, his outstretched finger offered powder for the taking. I looked at his face, smiled at his smile and licked up the remnants on his fingertip. Swirling my tongue around my gums, I greeted the familiar taste like an estranged lover that had suddenly come back into my life. K skilfully drew a line of cocaine along the back of his hand and held it out slowly.
“Ladies first. No wastage now.”

“Like I’m careless.”

With one swoop, I snorted my cocaine prey and savoured the sting in my nostril. Hello, old friend. I watched K line up his own and sniff it up. We were like vultures, in our own private pool sanctuary.

“Would your Edger friends really kill you if they found you doing this?”

“Heh, I wouldn’t exactly call them my friends. But yeah, they would. It’s not even a principle, it’s just an excuse to kill someone else. Do you wanna know the real reasoning behind all that mindless violence?”

“Lecture me. I’m interested.”

“After Nuclarity, I guess you could say some saw a light - believed they were left here for a reason. Others were scared shitless and therefore dropped drugs altogether, thinking their bad trip had gone too far. Upon realising the truth, well, I’d say they pretty much lost their minds. In losing their addictions, on top of everything that was lost, there wasn’t much left. We were all just wandering the wastelands, scared, alone and coming down. One way or another, we all seemed to find each other along the way; more people powering through a hideous withdrawal period, too terrified to touch drugs ever again. As the months rolled, we slowly regained sense of ourselves, but we never got back our reason for living. There was nothing to feel sad or happy about, nothing to look forward to, nothing to regret. Just a numbness that was bone-deep. So, somewhere within fighting off junkies for survival, we became addicted to a new sorta drug. The feeling you get when you end someone’s life...indescribable. It’s the only feeling we get now. Seeing people burn, explode, suffocate...I guess it’s proof that emotions still exist, even if the only emotion left is pain. We don’t feel it ourselves, but seeing it is just enough.”

I sat, motionless and unblinking. K had been holding that in for a really long time and the words just cascaded from his mouth like a waterfall. It shook me a little inside, seeing him explain something so profound with no flicker of emotion whatsoever. It made me believe every word.

“K...that’s really, well, really fucked. I’m really sorry.”

“Heh, don’t be sorry. Nothing to regret, remember?”

“Hm, yeah, I guess.” I stared down at my lap, when his sudden touch made me flinch. He lifted my chin so I was once again entranced by his eyes.

“Look, it’s the cocaine talking, but I’m being honest when I say that I’m grateful to know you. You’re my last scrap of life before Nuclarity, Rey. I spend time with you and feel practically human again. Spending time with you eliminates Nuclarity, even if only temporarily. It’s like we’re just two people hanging out on a quiet San Fran afternoon. I wanna protect that comfort with my life. I will protect you with my life, Rey.”

I honestly didn’t know how to react, however I felt the cocaine flame flicker within me, and knew that my own waterfall of words was just about to spill.

“K...I know we’re just two fucked up people that neither heaven or hell wanted. We both did some pretty s****y things in our past, and this is probably our Purgatory. We were left here, laying waste to the world and everything in it. But s**t man, I’m glad to waste away with you. And you’re wrong about yourself. There’s emotion within you. That feeling you get when you kill people. You’re not witnessing their pain, you’re fighting an urge of guilt from somewhere deep within yourself. I saw it just then, when you told me that stuff. It was merely a flicker, but it was f*****g there.”

“Rey it’s because I’m with you. Right now in this place. You’re the essence of life that I refuse to take away. Being with you is something precious. That night, on New Years - you realise how risky that was, letting you go like that?”

“Yeah, I know.”

“It means so much to me, knowing that I’d prefer to get chopped up by Edgers than let anyone, myself included, lay a finger on you.”

“That means a lot to me too, K.” I practically laughed with euphoria, “You’re...my lifeline here. I don’t have anything else.”

We simply gazed at eachother and soaked up the words. It was an irrevocably happy scene and for a moment, his eyes went grey. I wanted to dive into them and nestle amongst the grey, but with another flash, his striking amber irises returned. Was it a hallucination? A trick of the light? I didn’t know what that meant at the time, but it may as well have been a glimpse into the nearby future. We relished in the silence for a few more moments.

“K, can I ask you something?”

“Sure thing, go ahead.”

“Uhh...what did you do before Nuclarity?” It was obvious stright away that, even with the cocaine pulsing through him, I’d touched a nerve.

“Heheh, since when do we go there?”

“I know we don’t bring that s**t up, but, I dunno...I’m just...I want to know more about you.”

“Well that’s not me anymore. This is me. All that you see in front of you. The junkie whose best chance at rehab was the end of the world. Even then, Rey, old habits die hard, and here we are.”

He smiled, matter-of-factly, right before diving headfirst into another line of cocaine.

“I was just another meth junkie, Rey. Nothing special about me. That’s about all there is to it. Were you any different?”

His words stung a little, but I know he didn’t mean anything by them. He was right, I wasn’t any different. Just floating from job to job by day, club to club by night. I don’t know why I bothered asking about his past.

“Hey. Let’s lift this sour mood.” K stood up and walked over to the corner of the room. I watched him as he squatted down and picked something up. Upon walking back to the poolside, I saw what he was holding.

“No. F*****g. Way! An iPhone with charge left in it?!”

“Found it the other day in some apartment a few blocks from here. Saved it for our next meeting - I thought we could use some music. Heh, I don’t know who owned this before but they sure did love Depeche Mode.”

The iPhone speaker filled the whole room with the opening to Enjoy The Silence. It was just the crumby, tinny sound of an iPhone but it was beautiful.

“Dance with me, K.”

“M’lady.” He pulled me up and we danced, slowly and timidly at first, but by the time the chorus arrived we were twirling and prancing through the whole pool area like the coked up idiots we were. Enjoy The Silence ended, and I hopped over to the phone, insisting I choose the next song.

“Let’s try something a little more...this century, perhaps?”

I scrolled through the extensive list of music on the phone. Whoever you are, you have a great taste in music, thank you for allowing us to hear it once again and bring us a little joy.

I tapped Play on Justin Bieber’s Where R U Now and allowed the euphoric beats to take us far away. Dancing there by the poolside, the skeletons our only audience, K and I were both genuinely happy. With that beautiful, beautiful chemical in our systems, we closed our eyes and danced our hearts out. Once more, I felt the vulnerability and comfort that I regularly felt within a crowded club, only this time with K and half a dozen skeletons. It lasted almost forever, and I wished it never had to end.

We danced until the iPhone died, which was probably an hour straight. It was a sad moment, but we were both so grateful that we had that hour. Breathing heavily, K edged closer to me, locking me in place with his amber eyes. He came to a halt only inches from my face. I watched a huge grin spread across his face as he studied me. My cold, hard shell of an exterior had shattered like glass hours ago - we had danced over the pieces and crushed them to dust. As I stared into K’s eyes, I felt cosmic. I searched for the grey I had seen before within him and I could almost feel it approaching. That was when he pushed me into the pool.

I loved the sound of a splash from underwater. Disturbing the tranquility of the liquid, hearing the muffled army of bubbles rise to the surface. It was it’s own kind of peaceful. Another muffled splash occurred as K dove in. We play fought under the water until our laughter almost killed us. We went up for air and the laughter continued in all its glory. As we calmed down, we once again found ourselves facing each other. He waded slowly up to me through the water; the sun had set and I could just make out his tall, lean silhouette.

“Rey, thanks for today.”

“No no, thank you, man.” After only a split second of hesitation, K softly grabbed my face and pulled it into his. No one had ever kissed me like he did just then. It was the most affection I had ever felt - given and taken. It was the only time we had ever done that, and as he pulled away I let out a silent sigh. I felt iridescent in the dark. I was glad he couldn’t see the tear falling down my cheek. I never wanted to lose this guy.

“We should go. C’mon, I’ll make sure you get home safe.”

“Will you...stay with me? Just for tonight?”

“Rey, I wish I could…”

“I know it’s risky, I know. But, I’m not ready to step out of this moment yet.”

I couldn’t make out his features in the dark, but his answer lit me up.

“Alright. Of course I will. Let’s go.”

Upon leaving the hotel, K kissed me one more time. Damn, he had suddenly made living in the apocalypse tolerable. Incredibly tolerable.

“How long has it been since you went for a drive in a car?” K asked with that K smirk.

“Are you seriously asking me that?”

He amusedly huffed and pulled me down the streets of downtown San Francisco, dregs of cocaine still fluttering through our bloodstreams. As we scurried down the roads, I couldn’t help but notice K pick up the pace. He was worried that we would get caught. After a few minutes, however, we had reached his car - it seemed to act as a safety checkpoint because I felt his grip soften around my hand. I hopped in the passenger side and he started the car.

“Bless modern science and technology for bringing out solar powered cars before the world fucked itself.”

“Amen. However I’ll have to disagree with you.”

“Eh?”

“The world didn’t f**k itself. We did.”

I stared out the window and the black city stared back. No lights, no sound, nothing. It was like every young adult’s retrofuturist wet dream: it’s just you, me and the road. It was hardly as glamorous as an image of riding off into the night, passing city lights as Trevor Something plays on the stereo. It was simply a drive through a dead city, hugged by night and nothing else.

“Turn left at this street up ahead.”

We pulled up to my familiar block and K stopped the car. The soothing hum of the car’s engine was the only sound in our ears. Once that was gone, a thick silence immediately filled the car. I looked at K, observing his discomfort. His hands still gripped the wheel tightly and he was looking down towards his feet.

“Hey, K, if you don’t wanna be here, it’s cool.”
“No no, it’s not that, it’s...nothing. Show me your crib.” He smiled as he spoke, however the amber in his eyes had dulled down into something else. We stepped out into the cool night and I lead him to my apartment. I had done more than enough stair climbing and was very glad I was only on the second floor. We got to my front door and immediately I noticed that it was slightly ajar. Considering I never locked my door, this wasn’t unusual, however I was in a habit of closing it whenever I left. Pushing it open, my guard heightened immediately from what I saw.

“What the f**k-” K pushed past me and pulled a knife out of his jacket.

“IF ANYONE IS HERE YOU’D BETTER-” I heard the knife slip from his fingers and hit the ground as he saw what I had seen upon entering the room. My sister’s face, ripped from an advertisement, had been pinned to the wall and spattered in blood. I noticed some small writing directly in the middle of her face, so I stepped closer and made it out: TURN AROUND. My stomach dropped before I even obeyed the order. Slowly, I turned to see the wall behind me. What I read made me cold.

HE IS OURS.

It wasn’t a bunch of jealous friends that thought they were losing their mate to a girl. It was a group of incredibly unforgiving, violent Edgers who were issuing a statement. A statement that let us both know that they knew about us, and that K was a dead man. Before I could assess anything, my brain kicked me into panic mode.

“They must be nearby, we gotta go.”

“No.”

“K WE GOTTA GO.”

“REY IT DOESN’T. MATTER. WHERE. WE. GO. THEY. WILL. FIND. ME.”

With the cocaine euphoria long-gone, I felt it bubble my panic into anger. I slapped K across the face and screamed, “GET IN THE F*****G CAR.”

He grabbed my wrist and slapped me in return. I thrashed at his chest, delivering weak punch after weak punch, screaming and crying all the while. He simply stood there and took it, the weight of his fate kept him stationary. I really wished that it didn’t.

I’m not sure what struck me within the next moment, but I suddenly calmed down and started thinking rationally.

“They can’t be far away. Where do you think they are? We haven’t even checked this place.”

“Don’t worry, they’re not here. You’d know if they were. It worries me that they’re not here, actually.” That did nothing for my nerves, so I asked him why.

“Because that means they want to draw this out, they want to tease and taunt. Make me live in fear. Man, I really fucked up. I’m such an idiot. Letting a junkie like you get inside my head. Hey you know what? F**k you!”

“K, I…” where did I even begin? “I’m sorry. I don’t want you to die.”

“Of course you f*****g don’t. I’m a good source! That’s all you care about! Your f*****g highs!”

There was more screaming and yelling that night. We would’ve annoyed anyone within a 2 mile radius. The thing was, even being that loud, the Edgers never came. Not that night. After an hour of violent gestures and words, we both crumpled on the floor, tears streaming down our faces, feeling the come down while Leyla Covera’s bloodied face watched over us like an angel.

When the storms within us had passed, I knew what I had to do. K instinctively knew as well, but the reality was hard. The Edgers would come back, and they’d start here. Sticking together was a hopeless facade; we were both lone wolves, and our being together would only tear us apart in the end.

“Rey. Take my car and drive. Get the f**k outta San Fran and don’t come back.”

“Heh, where the f**k am I gonna go?”

“Away, Rey. Just promise me something, please?”

“What?”

“Promise me you’ll find something beautiful out there. It can’t all be like this. It can’t.”

If I didn’t see the fear and sadness in his eyes, I would’ve lectured him on some harsh realities, but I couldn’t stand to see him like that.

“Okay, I will. But, what should I do if I find it?”

“Stay there. And forget all this s**t.”

“Easier said than done, K. I’ll never forget.”

As he placed the car keys into my hand, he dragged me in for a tight, warm hug. The tears fell from my eyes so easily.

“What if...K, what if you’re the beautiful thing?” I shook.

“Trust me, I’m not. I’m just as good as it gets around here.” He winked, and it made the tears fall faster. “Rey, don’t spend another second crying over me. They won’t find me. I’ve got my own plans. Go on, get outta here.”

There comes a time in your life where letting something go is a liberating experience that releases you from shackles you didn’t even know you wore. This wasn’t one of those times. Leaving the one person who gave me shelter and comfort in a lonely wasteland of junkies and killers - it wasn’t a weight off of my shoulders. It was stone cold insensitivity. I learned a lot about myself in that moment. Upon letting go of his arms, I felt a numb blackness take over my form. My face set like stone, I looked K straight in the eyes and I nodded. He owned all that I was, all my feelings were his. In that final embrace, they were left with him, and I became a shell, encased in lead. With nothing left to do in that moment, I turned towards the car, ready to chart my own course across this wasteland. I was ready to get some answers and, for K, fulfil a promise. As I reached for the door handle, we exchanged a final goodbye.

“Hey, Rey?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll see you again. In the grey.”

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Author's Note

Coarse language warning; after feedback!

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Featured Review

You did a wonderful job capturing the psychological turmoil of a person addicted with drugs. Damn, you did awesome job capturing that world. The when you said it was just "junkies and disgusting bodies" it took me back to when I woke up once it that similar fashion and decided that was not the life for me and made the change. Unfortunately, most go the way of Rey the self destructive way. Thanks for not holding back with the language because this story need to be told with this realism. N.