For Reasons Unknown

I couldn't say a word.

The first thing he asked was why. Why? Why was I doing this? Why were we suddenly falling apart after so long?  I had reasons. I had so many reason. Yet, when asked the question of why, all of these reasons flew from my memory and refused to return until after the damage had already been done. I know that I made things worse for him. I knew that I should have written down these reasons ahead of time, but I didn't. And I forgot. 

There was something about the way he stood there that made me forget. Looking back on it, I think that it may have been the single tear that slid down his cheek. This was the first and last time that I ever saw him cry. Or perhaps it was the way he refused to look me in the eyes. He stared blankly at the ground, waiting for the answer I never gave him. 

I was only able to utter nonsensical words in a desperate attempt to form sentences that I could only hope would miraculously provide him with an explanation. I wasn't able to tell him anything. I was not able to remember anything except that I had to go through with this. Every part of my wanted him. I am unable to recall a time where I wanted him more than I did then. I wanted to hold him. I wanted him to hold me and make everything okay again. Yet, somehow, I knew that I had reasons to go through with it though I could not recall them then. 

The next question he asked me was if I still loved him. Yes, I did. How could I not? How could I ever fall out of love with him? How would I ever be able to forget the way he would sneak up behind me and kiss me neck? How could I not remember the way he would smile and tell me how beautiful I was after I returned home from a run? He made me smile and laugh. He showed me that love was a real thing. He showed me that it was possible for someone to love me every bit as much as I loved them. I loved him. I love him. My mother always taught me never to say "I love you" unless I truly meant it. I took that to heart. I had never said those three words to anyone else other than the man standing in front of me at that moment. The man who had my heart. The man whose heart I had to break for reasons.

Yet, I knew I had reasons. I had valid reasons to end things. I had reasons that I wasn't able to tell him. I wanted more than anything to remember those reasons and give him the explanation he deserved, but I could not.He asked me if this was goodbye. No! No, this is not goodbye! I love you! I will always love you! But I could not say this. I had reasons not to say this. I believe it was because I failed to say these words that he chose to walk away then. I am forever grateful that I never said those words.

This was when a tear began to form in my eye. It was as if he was holding a part of me inside his fist and walking away while the piece was still connected to me, knowing that I would break at some point. Then, I saw her. She was standing behind a shelf in the corner. She didn't notice me looking at her, and I don't think he knew she was there either. Then, I remembered.

I remembered my reasons. I remembered what I had seen. I remembered his lips against her neck, his arms around her waist, his hands gripping her hips. I remembered her hands running through his hair, her lipstick on his face, her smirk when she noticed me watching. 

The tears that had begun to well up in my eyes were suddenly unleashed to flow freely out of my body. However, the tears were not falling fast enough to release the pain that I was feeling. I began to choke on the pain. I could no longer catch my breath. I could not fight the pain. I slid to the ground as I allowed the pain to overcome me. The pain washed over me and flooded throughout my entire body. I hugged my knees and sobbed into them until I no longer had any tears inside me to shed. I then began to tremble and shake until my muscles began to tighten and become sore. 

I don't know how long I sat there. It may have been hours; it may have been weeks. No one came to get me. No one came to help me. No one asked if I was okay. After a while, I gathered enough strength to stand up and walk away. I walked away from that spot, and I walked away from the memory of him. They told me not to look back, but how could I not when the past seemed so much brighter than the future. I was tired of being in the dark.

Reviews

[ANTO]

Gave me goosebumps - who hasnt been the leaver or the leavee in such a circumstance and can still say they have lived? This is what life is - this is what love is - love is hard which is why it breaks us into little pieces which we pray someone will keep safe for us but all too often the cast them pieces before swine and we are forever murdered.
I love the passion in this Eve Cohen. Thank you for sharing it.

[Eve]

Thank you so much!

[Alucard6336]

Strong emotional writing. It was very descriptive with the sensations and I am sure readers can relate to it. Good job.