Ryan

A Story by Eve

I had no intention of ending things when we got into my car. It wasn't until we were halfway to his house that the thought even crossed my mind. What started as an everyday conversation turned into an argument, which then became a fight. Actually, this was our first fight. It was amazing really. We had been together for more than a year and had not had any disagreements.

It started with a snarky comment he made to me. I don't even remember what he said, but I remember being ever so slightly offended. I know I protested to whatever the accusation was, and that seemed to upset him. He snapped back at me. Up until this point in our conversation I cannot recall what was said. But from point forward, I remember every word.

"Why have you been so mean lately?" I accused in a poorly attempted calm voice.

"I haven't been mean. What do you mean?"

"I don't know. It's just that lately you've been a little mean to people. Not necessarily me, but others."

He stared at me for a moment. When I took my eyes away from the road to meet his gaze, he quickly looked away, shaking his head. "I haven't been mean to anyone."

This argument continued until we finally reached his house. I had been drawn close to tears and was expecting to burst at any moment. He got out of my car and slammed the door without another word. Seeing him walk away from my car was one of the most painful things I have ever witnessed. All I could think was that I should have ended things right then, but I didn't. Yet, somehow, I knew that this would be the last time I ever dropped him off at home; the last time that he ever visited my house. I knew that I would never feel his arms wrap around me again. I knew that things were over between us, even though we were still together.

As I drove away, I couldn't shake this feeling. I didn't want to lose him. I wasn't ready. I pulled into the nearest parking lot and called him. He answered on the third ring with a tired and annoyed "what, Eve".

"I don't want to go home angry."

"Well, what do you want me to do?"

"...I don't know"

"Then why did you call?"

"I- I don't know."

"If you don't have anything to say, then I'm hanging up."

"Do you believe in God?" I bursted out.

"What? Why?"

"Just answer me."

"You know I do."

"Then why don't you act like it?"

"What is that supposed to mean?" I heard an angry tone in his voice. I had never heard this tone before and it scared me.

I took a deep breath. I knew that he wasn't going to like what I had to say next. I was, and still am, a devout Christian. He knew this. And I knew that he didn't exactly approve of my church or the people who went there.

"You don't go to youth group, you refuse to come to church with me, yet you say you believe in God when you don't even treat people the way the bible tells us to!"

I was right. He didn't like that. "I don't even know what I believe anymore, okay? I don't know why this is suddenly an issue for you!"

"It's only an issue now that you don't believe anymore!" There was a long pause in the argument. It would have been completely silent had it not been for my uncontrollable sobs.

Finally, he took a deep breath and said "You know that I'm not going to break up with you because of this, right?"

The next thing I said is burned in the back of my mind forever. "I know. But I think I want to break up with you." I barely choked out this sentence between sobs. Tears streamed down my face as I realized what I had done. Those are possibly the most painful words to come out my mouth to date.

The next few seconds were spent in pure agony. I don't know how long I waited for him to respond. It was probably only a matter of seconds, but it felt like an eternity spent in hell. Finally, he said, "Do you love me?" When I didn't immediately respond, he continued, "Because I love you. More than anything."

This is when I lost it. I began sobbing uncontrollably as I came to the realization that I no longer loved him. But how could I possibly tell him that? How could I break the heart of someone whom I had loved for over a year? I was so confused. I wanted him to hold me again and make everything okay, yet I wanted to be as far away from him as possible all at the same time.

"Please don't do this," he whispered through the phone. As much as I knew how wrong it was to break up with someone over the phone, I couldn't help but be grateful that he couldn't see me and my hysteria. I tried my best to explain to him that I had to, but all that came out was more sobs. When I finally calmed down enough to tell him that I felt that I no longer had a choice, he hung up the phone without another word.

I don't know how long I sat in my car crying until I was able to drive again. The last place I wanted to go was home, but alas, I made my way home and into my bed where the tears continued to spill. It wasn't until weeks later that people became brave enough to tell me all of the things he had done before I ended things.

-"I'm glad you finally ended things. Did you know that he was cheating on you?"-

-"You should have broken up with him way earlier. You were miserable these past few months."-

-"He literally flirted with me every day in Spanish. Thank God you ended things."-

Surprisingly, I wasn't upset that no one had told me about these things earlier. I didn't have any time for that. Each time someone told me one of his dirty little secrets, it was as if we had broken up all over again. Each of these little details made me feel even worse. They made me question the entire past year. Did he ever really love me? Was he just using me? Was he faking being upset when we broke up? Did he really ever care?

I will never know the answer to any of these questions, and I really don't want to. Knowing would only make things harder. I prefer to keep the truths of that relationship hidden from myself so that I am free to believe what I want. Some days I am sure that he cheated on me like people told me, while others I fully believe that what we had was real. I know that high school relationships are never meant to last, but I also know that I can't deny falling in love with that boy. No matter much I dislike him now, at some point, I was madly in love. And I am grateful to him for teaching me not only what I DON'T want in a relationship, but also for teaching me that I can fall in love and be happy sharing my life with someone.

So, despite the rough ending to our tragic love story, I will focus on the positives. Instead of cursing his name, I was continue to pray for him every night. After all, I am trying to live my life the way the Bible tells us to.