My Yelp Reviews

I recently became a Yelper and I love it. Here are some very pretentious reviews I've written and I hope you find them as funny as I do.

 Review of a Mediterranean Restaurant

If ants were the size of humans, we surely would not dominate the earth's surface as we have for the last few hundred years. An ant colony is the ultimate productive community; a marvel of nature produced from millions of years of adaption and specialization. Not a single body is wasted, there are no homeless or unemployed ants. Further, there is no ant that holds its position within the community in contempt. No ant is disgruntled by its role; a soldier ant is just as dependable to oblige in its duties as the ant that harvests grain. This is where Mother Nature finds human beings at a serious disadvantage in my opinion. Human beings are often dissatisfied with the perceived triviality of their contribution to the communal machine of our society, and while this is understandable considering the gift of free will and an unprecedented level of comprehension of the world around us granted by the process of evolution or miracle of God's creation or what have you, it is completely inappropriate and only hinders the service industry. Two nights ago my friend and I decided on Mediterranean for dinner. We refined our choices until agreeing on a place called Petra. I'd never been, but I'd always heard the food was decent. We dined in. I ordered a medium sized gyro pizza. My friend had a gyro combo plate. The food was great, absolutely delicious actually. As the common proverb has it, I bit off more than I could chew. A worker, female, was filling plastic cups with some sort of condiment a few feet to my left. I asked if the establishment she works for provided boxes for customers to bring their left overs home in. Immediately she made her disinterest in my position readily apparent.  She replied, 'Yeah,' with a look and tone of pure annoyance. I asked, 'Could I grab one?' She told me, 'I'll just get one for you.' After completing the fairly challengeless task of seeking out a cardboard food container, the worker returned to my table. 'Do you think this will be big enough.' She said the question rather than asked it. The dispassion in her voice made it seem practically rhetorical. 'Yeah, I think it should be,' I told her. Then she proceeded to actually role her eyes at me. Remarkable. There are very few if any reasons for a food service worker to be anything less than friendly and helpful to the people that make their careers possible in the first place, simply because the work of a food service worker isn't very difficult. I work in food service myself, I understand what this role in the community entails. Yes the work can be tedious, but food service workers aren't building rockets or curing disease or engaging in diplomacy with foreign nations. I find it shameful that food so delightful as Petra's can be so poorly represented by the lack of professionalism in the laborers that serve it.

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Review of my Local Police Department


The other day I was pulled over by a sheriff. He'd noticed my registration stickers were a month behind. He acknowledged, however, that when he'd run my plates he was informed that my registration was up to date. A second officer, another sheriff I believe, arrived on scene shortly after and began circling my vehicle.   Whether or not my forgetting to place the new stickers on my car warranted the attention of not one but two sheriffs is not for me to say. Nor is it my concern to ascertain the legality of the sheriff's insistence on confiscating the drivers liscences of all my passengers and checking them for warrants. Polite compliance is always the best method to abbreviate an encounter with law enforcement. I will say this: I find comfort in knowing that there was no greater threat than my stickers that required the attention of two sheriffs. This means that I live in a relatively safe town, which is something to be grateful for. I'm well aware of the concerns of the Santa Maria police department. I'm sure they are forced to prioritize dealing with the erupting gang violence  and have less time for stickers. MS13 is chopping up bodies and devaluing the city and the area surrounding. Again, I'm glad to live where I do. Now while I'm not usually impressed by my police department, there have been moments in which I was proud to have them serve me. When I heard about their vote of no confidence against the corrupt officials in our city's government, I couldn't help but smile. And there is one individual in particular involved with the Arroyo Grande police department that never fails to put a smile on my face. Commander Beau Pryor is many things. A great leader, a family man, and a fine example of exceptional, natural athleticism. I often find myself exhausted by the bleakness of my American society. The more hoops I'm forced to jump through, the more dotted lines I have to sign make looking to the future more of an anxious anticipation than a hopeful dream. I've dealt with more drones behind desks than I care to, each one more bee-like than the last. But now, at long last, here is a man who can think. Here is a man who can reason. This is a man who does not bend south if a strong wind in disagreement with his morals blows from the north. These qualities that Mr. Pryor so relentlessly exemplifies are, in my underwhelming experience with bureaucrats, difficult to find. In the shoreless ocean of red tape, paper clips, and traffic cones that is our American oligarchy, Mr. Pryor is an island paradise for other thinking individuals like himself. These individuals that find themselves drowning in the torment of this tedious and often contractually obligatory modern society of ours can seek refuge here. They can take comfort in Mr. Pryor's sandy shores and know that all is not quite lost. As long as great men like Beau Pryor are in positions of authority, this nation will not fall to the hands of the swarming hordes of nonthinkers clambering for control.

I understand the sheriff department and the police department are two separate entities, but I didn't want to write two separate Yelp reviews.

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Review of Walmart

It isn't very often I have praise for the oligarchical society we've elected to rule over us and this once great nation, but I must say my experience at this particular Walmart was refreshingly adequate. I don't usually speak with the human staff on hand as they're never very helpful. Any time I've asked one of the blue-vested Walmart officials where to find something in the store that they work at, they've either advised I ask someone else or gestured in a general direction of the store with a very unsure sounding "I believe it's over there somewhere." I've been forced to treasure hunt for so many things I think that I am now more familiar with where things in the store are than the actual staff. But this review is not for the human staff. My experience was made slightly better than miserable when I opted to use the self checkout system at the end of my shopping endeavor. The professionalism of the A.I. in the machine that I worked with to get my groceries paid for was unprecedented for Walmart. That machine treated me with more respect than any other drone working for the blue mega corporation has before. I thought the female voice was a nice touch. It's a new age we're living in and women can be anything they aspire to be, even robotic Walmart checkers. The machine was quick and to the point. She got me out of there in a very timely fashion, and getting me out of Walmart quickly is definitely something I appreciate. I think that the company would benefit by replacing all or at least the vast majority of their human staff with machines. Also they should dim the lights a bit, it's extremely bright in that store.