Feelers

 

 

There is this firey feeling in the pit of my stomach...

 

All I've ever wanted.

In anyone.

Is standing right in front of me and it hurts so much.

This hand grasping mine, this touch, warm on my skin, your gaze upon me. Like fire. Everything is on fire.

I am the ice to your flame, together we could melt into an ocean and swim for miles until our arms and legs got tired..... we could float aimlessly around the world on our backs.

I'm afraid my frigid heart may extinguish your flames.

 

 

Every time I get you, I f**k it up.

Every instance I think, "I'll do it right this time!"

But then I leave.

I'm tired of leaving.

 

I know....hope, that if I want this It's mine.

I'm so scared. frightened. trembling.

 

Since as long as I can remember I've done everything in my power to sabatoage anything good that has come my way.

Maybe I don't believe, deep down, that I should be happy.

Psychology. F**k.

 

 

But every time I've destroyed it.

And this time it's for real. this time I'm not fooling around, this time it's all or nothing.

And I want it all.

I want this forever.

forever and a day.

 

I'm scared of that....

 

I'm scaring you. I Shouldn't have wrote this. I know you read it all the time.

 

I should tell you in person.

I never remember my words. I could rehearse it a thousand times and then when I see you, it's like all the moths in my stomach eat it up like dusty dresses in an attic.

Two years I'll be gone, of course I'll visit. I just....I just don't want to risk losing you again. As I've so foolishly done before.

Please tell me your thoughts...Over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. You don't have to make them, I will.