II. Black and White

They say that black represents sadness and darkness, but for me, black represents the word lifeless. I stared on his casket one last time and let the pain crash into me.

“ Angelie, Everything’s gonna be okay.” Mom comforted me, though she failed because I never felt anything. Numb. Pain. That’s what I’m feeling.

-

My parents were comforting me, endlessly. I knew that every effort was wasted, because I lost the guy I’ve always wanted. Before we left the cemetery, I said my one last goodbye to Vince. Maybe God has something better in store for me, I just didn’t know what it is. On our drive home, I stared at the sky. I remembered the first night he held me into his arms, the first time he said he loves me, the night I introduced him to my mom and dad.

“ Honey, we’re home.” Dad said. Dad’s been patient with me and honestly, I appreciate everything they’re doing.

As I went to my room, I lied down in my bed. I felt restless. I wanted to sleep so bad, hoping that when I wake up tomorrow, all the pain would go away. One hour, two hours, three hours had passed, I can’t fall asleep. I gave up, I scanned through the scrapbook I was currently making (the one I was supposed to give to Vince, but well.. he can never see it, I can never hear his voice again) I checked my clock, it was past two already. I was emotionally tired. I recalled the last time I was with him.

“ Hey sexy.” He greeted me.

“ Hey handsome.” I greeted him back. He was wearing his blue polo that made him unbelievably handsome.

“ I believe we have a date tonight.” He reminded me.

“ Oh. Yes. That’s right.” I smiled.

“ See you later. 7 pm, I’ll pick you up. I reserved a place for us two. You’ll like it. The venue, it’s so beautiful. You can take a lot of pictures, but then you have to include my picture too!” We both laughed.

“ Could you please stay for a while? Even if we’d be seeing each other after 4 hours, I’ll miss you so bad.”

“ Come here you.” He embraced me. “ You know what, You’re the most amazing girl in the whole world.”

“You’re just joking.” I teased.

“ I’ll prove it to you, sometime though. But hey, remember our first date? You were sweating a lot, does it mean I’m too hot?” He teased.

“ Shut up! I wasn’t sweating!”

“ Oh yes you were. HA HA” He laughed.

“ Not.” I laughed.

“ Anyways, I got to go now. I have to arrange something.”

“ Do you really have to go?”

“ Yes. Important.”

“ Okay.” I didn’t want to let go.

“ I love you.” I said and he pressed his lips against mine.

“ I love you, too. See you later, sexy!” He smiled.

That was the last conversation I had with him. I cried so hard and I covered my mouth so I won’t wake my parents. I wanted to let go, to let go of everything that causes me pain. I stared at the scrapbook and everything that could remind me of him. I stored it in an old box.

“ Vince. I’m sorry I have to do this. I have to let go of these things in order to feel alive again. I’ve always loved you, Vince. And in fact, up to now, I still do. I know that you’re happy with God up there. I know that if you’re here, You wanted me to be happy and enjoy life.”

I burned all the stuffs inside the box. I felt weak, my knees were trembling as I lit the match. My one last goodbye.