A Lover's Gaze

Would you stay here with me if I did so ask?

Am I certain that I wish to hear you say?

I, for one, can see the devil, lover-masked,

Staring blankly in my eyes this very day.

Reviews

[BThomvanWart]

The beauty of this is that it's short and sweet, but it doesn't need explanation. It tells you details, and the rest is left for your mind to consider. Poetry, to me, has a personal tie that cannot be broken. This piece makes me consider the past. Sure, it could be a reach, but I find the more a piece makes me consider myself - my history - the better the writing. It's a great work, Ethan. Nicely done.

[Ethan]

Thank you very much :)

[Hosimone]

I agree with you, BThomvan. I find that, if I write something that is connected to me, I write a lot better than something that I have never experienced before.

[Decidious wind]

I love how there is just so much room for interpretation which makes the poem relatable to almost everybody

[Manel]

I like it short beautiful and effectif good job

[A.K. Rohner]

I really can never think of what to say about these shorter poems. They sort of speak for themselves, and that's a good thing. Good job.

[Maria]

Short but to the point. Loved this.

[Katseye]

Wow, this one is deep. I like it a lot, you have a very interesting vision.

[Vamsi]

Words used to their best bro!!
I'm glad that I have read such contentful lines.

[Ethan]

Thank you :)

[Alem]

SHORT AND STRONG MEANING GOOD JOB!

[Ethan]

Thank you Alem :)

[MaximumFlight]

Great job, this is very beautiful and dark.

[Ethan]

Thanks a lot :P

[Julie McCarthy (juliesp..]

I can relate to this poem a few times In my life well done

[Ethan]

:) Thank you

[JayG]

You are getting better. A couple of points:

Think about the necessity of "here" in L1. What does it add that's not inherent to the rest? And what does its removal do to prosody?

And while I'll give it to you, "Yoda speak," to make the rhyme is best avoided.

[Ethan]

You're right, "here" is just there so I could keep six foots of meter. What would you suggest I do?

[JayG]

I dunno. In looking at it, what does "did so" do that "If I asked," doesn't say? Yes, you need it for prosidy reasons, but the line seems to have problems, including why someone asks if a person they say is evil two lines later, will stay?

I said it was much better, not perfect 😀

[Ethan]

Haha very true