The Town Mouse and the Sea Mouse

 Filthy people slowly inch across the street like great, fat salmon fighting upstream against the most powerful current. Dark, gothic skyscrapers loom overhead on either side of the slime filled road as though tall river reeds shot up from underneath smooth, grey pebbles. But the air smells of salty seas belonging to my homeland, far away, not forgotten but barely remembered. I can nearly feel the sweet touch of cool, refreshing spray droplets tickling my nose. I miss my home. My mother told me I would, but I never believed her. 

A fish flung out of water by some fateful power not yet known, I am lost among this sea of busy bodies; mindless, ant-like drones walking paths their forefather drones already lay before them. The only ingenuity this city possesses is the stink of sludge flowing from beneath this street. At least its horrible smell is a little worse, a little newer each day. Boring, these people are. I long for the days gone by, when it was only the ocean and I, as she softly cradled my body afloat and I slept in her loving arms. 

Reviews

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

Your imagery, metaphor, simile use in this poem is stellar- so evocative-"Filthy people..like great, fat, salmon fighting upstream....Dark, gothic skyscrapers loom" Writing is eloquent with good rhythm and flow. Mood well-expressed is wistful, somber, nostalgic for home, sea, mother.- maybe they are one and the same in the protagonist's psyche. "The ocean and I"-so poignant..."Call me Ishmael"....Well-done!

[Ethan]

Thank you very much, Im a bit obsessed with the ocean myself :P

[Angel]

This is great. Good work.

[Nigel Newman]

This has a beautiful fluidity to it. It's quite delightful to almost let the words caress. Top marks for flow and phrasing!

I am, however, slightly confused by the references to smell. In the first half the air smells of salty seas while in the second it smells of sludge. That aside. I was borne along.

Nice work!
Nigel

[Maria]

Loved this piece. Great job

[Cashmere Thoughts]

You know it's a thing called writers consumption, you have to allow your readers to follow the story. It's great literature , you just meed to give a little more detail for us readers.

[Hope]

The symbolism you made I liked.
I enjoyed:)

[JayG]

• All things remind me.

Remind me of? Look at this from a reader’s viewpoint. They know nothing about the speaker and that character's life. So from their viewpoint, someone unknown just said that they think a lot about something unknown. Why should a reader either care or want to know more? Context is more then important. It’s vital, because without it, the words have no meaning.

• Filthy people slowly inch across the street like great, fat salmon fighting upstream.

The metaphor can’t work. Your people are inching, but fish are swimming at speed. Add to that, this does nothing to provide context to the first line. We don’t know where we are. We don’t know who we are. And we don’t know what’s going on. You do, so it works for you. But for the reader?

• Dark, gothic skyscrapers loom overhead on either side of the cobblestone road as though tall river reeds shot up from underneath smooth, grey pebbles.

Skyscrapers are at least ten stories high. So we have people inching across streets built for horse drawn traffic (cobblestones are shaped to give a horse traction on the smooth stone), all of them “filthy,” with skyscrapers on either side. I tried to find such a place but couldn't. It required a modern electric traction motor system for use in a ten-story building, so we’re into the 20th century, probably the twenties. But I found no place where universal filth and ultra slow walking was combined with ultra tall buildings lining the street.

You may say I’m nit picking, and that it’s the thought, your intent, that matters. But intent doesn’t make it to the page, so the reader must make do with what the words, in and of themselves, suggest, based on the READER'S background and understanding, not yours. That’s why context is so critical to that understanding, and why every detail must provide its own context as the words are read.

Yes, as a reader looks back they can deduce what was meant, based on the entirety of the piece. But won’t it be more moving, from the reader’s viewpoint, if they’re made to live it instead of figuring it out in retrospect? After all, you can’t fix a bad first impression.

[Ethan]

Haha to be honest I was envisioning something along the lines of Gotham, which I believe does in fact have cobblestone streets as well as sky scrapers (though I think it would depend on the game). And fat fish fighting upstream seems to me a slow undertaking but I see where you are coming from. Thank you for your notes, I will apply them immediately

[Joey Nizz]

This is a very well made writing, very descriptive and unique, I like your word selection and your comparison.

Well done Ethan, this was a lovely read :)

[Thomas Fitzgerald]

A longing sensation that guides the heart home time and time again which we long for but are denied, well done, good read.

[Ethan]

Thanks a bunch :)

[Taylor]

Beautiful. Such a touching piece of work, definitely shows how pure home is and how homesick someone can get. Gorgeous imagery!

[Ethan]

Thank you :)))))