Tears Of Pain To Tears Of Joy

Zhuo Ma was abandoned as a child and deals with low-self esteem. Trapped in a monastery with no escape, she longs be free of the prison that traps her heart. Will she able to find freedom?

I lay on a red tattered blanket as I watched Mama’s hunched form. She was kneeling on the ground as she put wood into our mud stove. Standing up, she wiped her brow. Her braided hair flowed down her back as she pushed her red-clothed hairband up. She wore a loose-fitted robe layered with Yak wool. Putting a black pot over the top of the stove, she towered over it.

A pleasant sweet smell overcame me and I drifted off to sleep.

My eyes snapped open. Yelling. There was a lot of yelling. I slowly got to my feet and toddled to the door. I peered out from the door as I watched Mama and Baba yelling.

“We can’t keep her!” Baba was saying.

Mama was gripping one of his hands as she pleaded. “She is our daughter! We can’t give her to the monastery!”

“She may be our daughter, but she will be useless! We don’t even have the money to keep her!”

“We can always work out the money. Please…Please don’t send her to the monastery. She is our daughter. Please, don’t do this!”

“NO!” he threw the arm she was clutching upward. The force was so great that Ma Ma fell to the ground. Her shoulders sagged and shook as she wept.

Seeing this, he quickly knelt to her level. “I’m so sorry, A Ma Le! I didn’t mean to hurt you!” He held her arm and slowly helped her to her feet. Tears wet her cheeks as she covered her eyes.

“Shhh…don’t cry. I know it must be hard. It’s not easy to make this decision for me either. But my love, we are farmers. We barely have money, much less for that child. If she was like the rest of us, with a normal hand, then we could... But we can’t because she can’t even help on the farm. My love…” he grabbed both her hands in his and clutched them. He looked into her eyes. She looked back. “This is for the best. She will be well cared for.”

He brought her into his arms and hugged her. Baba patting her on the back, he whispered, “There. There.”

I ran to Mama’s side and tugged her skirt. “Mama. Ma.”

Baba let Mama go as she looked down at me. A sad smile graced her lips. Squatting down and taking my hands gently, she replied, “Did you sleep well?”

I look up and down her face. “Mama why crying? Ma Ma sad?”

She smiled again, sad. “Mama is fine. Don’t you worry, ok?” Her warm fingertips brushed my forehead. I smiled.

“Play?” I tugged at her hand.

“Not now, Zhuo Ma. I have to make dinner. De Chen, do you want to take Zhuo Ma over to play with Anle and to spend time with Luo Sang?”

Baba nodded and held out his hand to me. I put my hand in his and he said “Come, let’s go.”

He led me to our big front gate and slid the bolt to the left. The door swung open and then he took my hand again and we walked down the dirt street to our neighbor’s house.

We arrived at a big gray metal door with stone walls around it. Baba knocked on the metal door.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

“Coming! Coming!” someone called from the other side of the door. I heard the bolt slide from its place and the gate opened to us.

A small, shriveled up man with his back hunched peered at us. His face was full of wrinkles despite being only about 30. When he saw Baba, his lips split into a toothy grin. He was missing a few teeth and his other teeth were stained black, an early sign of decay. Swinging the door open, he stepped back and said, “Come in De Chen!”

We stepped into the courtyard and Luo Sang closed the door. A dark brown, house made of logs towered over me. It looked weathered from the outside and took on a fragile look as if a slight wind could blow it over. Under the porch, a man sat on a little seat and held a long metal tube in his mouth. The other end of the tube was circular like the mouth of a bowl. He took the slim pipe out of his mouth and blew a puff of smoke.

“Hello, Du Chen!” He called as we approached the house.

“Hey Luo Ming! How are you doing?”

“You know, the usual,” Luo Ming grinned.

We were halfway to the house when I heard a metal clang. Wang! Wang! Wang!

From the corner of my eye, I saw a brown fur ball charge at me. I cowered in fear.

“Stay!” Luo Sang commanded.

I glanced to my right and saw the creature more clearly. It was a black dog with a fluffy, white main. It was tied to a pole. The leash was taunt as it bared its teeth at me. I buried my face into Baba pants. He put his hand around my head. “There. There, it won’t get you.”

I heard a slap and then some whimpering. I tentatively peered out. Luo Sang towered over the dog. He then turned to me and smiled again, that toothy smile. “Don’t worry, Dou Dou is just a guard dog. If you’re not hurting him and don’t get too close, he won’t bite you.”

“Come,” Luo Sang said as he led us to the dirt porch.

“Come into our house,” Luo Sang invited. Ba Ba nodded.

We stepped into a dimly lit room. The furniture was scarce. Except for a table in the middle of the room, four small stools, a sofa, a chest covered in fur, and a black, circular, metal stove in the corner, and a pile of wood in the right corner, all the other space was empty. It smelled of smoke mingled with a sweet fragrance.

“Come, sit,” he invited.

Baba and I sat down.

“Da Wa! Prepare some food for our guests!” he called.

“Ay! Alright, my love!” A pretty stout woman came down from a flight of stairs. She smiled at us and then went to the stove in the corner. In no time, she came back with a tray of food. On a plate were ten pieces of yellow clumps of highland barley. She also put a metal teapot on the table and gave each of us some cups.

Baba grabbed a cup and poured some tea. He set the filled cup in front of me. I grabbed the cup with my right hand but it was too hot. I watched helplessly as I dropped it. If only my left hand would work! The cup slipped to the ground and shattered. Tea spilled everywhere. “Zhuo Ma!” Baba said sternly, scowling. I looked at him, terrified. “Say sorry.”

I glanced at Luo Sang’s face and felt heat rise to my face. “S-sorry!”

He merely smiled and turned to Baba and said, “Ay, don’t be so stern! It’s no big deal!”

Baba shot me another stern look before turning back to the conversation.

“Here,” Luo Sang said as he poured me another cup of tea. “Drink.”

I tentatively took the cup into my hand. The tea was thick and yellow. I drank the tea. It was a mix between bitterness and sourness and was extremely thick. I felt myself choking on it. I coughed. I put the cup down and then asked, “Where Luo Qing?”

Luo Sang looked at me and smiled. “She’s playing outside with some neighbor kids. You know where to go. Now run along.”

I hopped out of my seat and turned to go.

“Where are you going, Zhuo Ma?” Baba asked.

I turned to him slowly and asked, “Go?”

“De Chen, stop being so serious. Let the girl have some fun,” Luo Sang interjected.

Baba sighed as his shoulders sagged. “You always speak up for her. Very well, go, go. I’ll pick you up.”

“Thak Ba,” I said as I dashed out of the room.

I hurried out of the house, past the barking dog, and through the big gate. I turned left and ran along the wall and then turned to my right. There, in a pond of mud, were a group of children. “Zhuo Ma!”

“Jie Jie!”Older sister. I ran to her and slid into the mud.

“You joined us after all!”

I grinned. I squeezed the mud between my fingers and threw it at Luo Qing.

“You!” she yelled. Picking up some mud, she balled it up and threw it at me. I turned my head instinctively and felt the warm slush hit my face. I laughed. We played in the mud for a while.

The sun started to set and in the distance, I saw a tall figure approaching me. His back hunched as he looked at the ground. His arms hung by his side awkwardly. As he got closer and closer, I realized it was Baba. Stopping in front of us, he said, “Zhuo Ma, it’s time to go.”

I stood up and the mud trickled down my whole body. “Go! See later!” I replied as I stepped out of the mud pond.

Luo Qing waved at me. “See you later!”

Baba took my hand and led me away.

When we arrived home, the sun had already set. Baba helped me clean up and soon, we sat at the table. Today, Mama made all the food I loved. There was soup cooked with cabbage, sheep meat that was barbecued, some vegetables that were stir fried, and most importantly, rice.

Mama used her chopsticks to pick up some sheep meat and put it into my bowl. “My child, eat more so you can grow strong and healthy.”

I smiled. “Mama, eat more,” I replied as I picked up some meat and put them in her bowl. She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes.

After dinner, I lay comfortably on the blankets as I watched Mama sow. Her form bent over her work in the dim light of the kerosene lamp. Her wrinkled hands diligently set to work on a piece of bright red cloth. She started singing. Her voice was pure and cut to the heart.I slowly felt my eyes droop. Soon enough, my consciousness slipped away. I was left in a comfortable, warm darkness.

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After breakfast, Mama dressed me up to go to the monastery. “My child, be good today,” she said as she straightened my clothing.

“I be good,” I promised.

The sun was just peeking out of the mountain and dyed the whole landscape in a warm gold. The sky was clear blue and the air was crisp. I breathed the air deeply. It hurt my lungs but there was something refreshing about it. We turned onto the big dirt road that all the villagers took to get to the monastery.

To my left and to my right, were crops of rice. They extended to the horizons. I felt extremely content. While I was enjoying the scenery, Mama started her usual routine. Every couple of steps, she would get to her knees, slide on the ground, and bow. Then she would get up and do the same thing for the next step.

“Mama, why?” I pointed at the ground.

“You’re asking why I bow every few steps?

I nodded.

“I want to gain merit.”

I looked at her confused.

She laughed. “Merit is something good.”

“Oh,” I said and then totally forgot.

It was afternoon when we finally arrived. It was bustling with villagers as they bowed in front of Buddha and prayed for his blessing. The air smelled of sickeningly sweet fragrance and smoke. We stood in line as we waited for our turn.

When the last person in front of us was finished, Mama and I plucked an incense stick from a pile. We knelt in front of the golden Budda statue who smiled down on us. I held my stick in front of me and closed my eyes and prayed. Bless family and be happy.

I opened my eyes and turned toward Mama expectantly. She was not there.

I shot to my feet and I looked around frantically. I saw people upon people but not my Mama. I ran out of the temple and started hollering. “Ma! Ma!”

People swarmed around me and my cry fell on deaf ears. Nobody paid any attention to me. “Mama!” Panic pinched my chest. Tears blurred my eyes. I could not see. I could not see. Then I felt a hand lay on my shoulder. I wiped my tears away and looked up.

An old man smiled down at me. His head was shaved and he wore big brown beads on his wrist and neck. A simple yellow cloth wrapped around his body. There was nothing glamorous about him.

“Dear child,” he said. His wise, kind eyes watched me. “Why are you crying?”

“Can’t find Mama!” I blurted.

“What is your name?”

“Zhuo M-ma,” I stuttered.

“Ohhh, I see. Do you want to wait with me while I ask around?”

I nodded, feeling numb.

He gently led me to a tree that had many red strings hanging from it and sat me down. “Wait here.”

I stared at the ground, barely responding. He left.

In a while, he was back. Taking my hand, he said, “You must be hungry.” Again, he led me to a building behind the monestary.

“Let’s go here,” he pointed to a long line of people who wore the exact same things he did with their heads likewise shaved.

In front of the line were people serving food. We waited our turn. At the front of the line, I was handed a bowl filled with rice and vegetables with garlic.

The man led me to sit at a table with many monks who were chatting and enjoying their meal. They all looked at me curiously.

“This is Zhuo Ma. She got lost in the crowd and got hungry.”

They nodded and then resumed their chatting.

I pulled on the man’s sleeve and asked, “Meat?”

He smiled. “Zhuo Ma, we are monks. We don’t eat meat.” He must have seen the question in my eyes because he laughed deeply. “We don’t believe the taking of a life is good.”

I nodded.

After I had eaten, I sat on the steps of the temple, waiting for Mama to return.

The sun started to set over the mountains and soon, night was upon me. I looked up and saw the stars shining down on me. The kind man came out of the monastery, and seeing me still sitting there, arms hugging my legs in a curled position, bent down and said, “Come in and eat. I have a bed prepared for you.”

He gently took my hand and attempted to lead me. I refused. “Mama!”

“Come, Zhuo Ma. Eat something and sleep,” he urged.

I resisted again.

“Come,” he said, still tugging on my arm gently. “Come,” he repeated.

Finally, I gave up and allowed myself to be pulled toward the warmth of the temple. I ate yet another meal of rice and vegetables.

He led me up to the stairs of the monastery. We passed by a group of monks who stared at us. As I walked past them, I heard one say, “Poor child. She probably doesn’t know.” I turned to look at him and saw another monk shove the first one in the side. “Hush, don’t say such things.”

The old monk led me to a room with a singular bed at the window and a table beside it. I ran to the bed and plopped down.

“You can sleep here tonight,” the man said. “If you need anything, feel free to call me. I will be next door.”

I nodded and he exited.

I felt my heart drop and tiredness overcame me. I stumbled to the lightswitch and turned it off. I lumbered over to my bed, limbs heavy, and fell on it. Curling up into the blankets, I felt myself being choked by loneliness. Tears slid off my face and slowly, my consciousness slipped into a strange, cold darkness.

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The next day, I again sat on the steps of the monastery and waited for Mama. In the middle of the afternoon, a monk approached me and said, “You’re still waiting here?”

I ignored him.

He sighed and sat down next to me. “You know, she’s not coming back.”

My head snapped toward him and I leapt up. “She will!”

“Now calm down,” he said as he reached for my arm. I batted his hand away angrily. “She will!” I insisted.

The monk sighed and got up. “Wait if you will, but she won’t come back.”

So I waited. And waited. But she did not return.

As night slowly crept upon me, it dawned on me. Mama won’t come back. My chest tightened and I felt warm drops slide off my face. What happened the rest of the night, I could barely remember. I just remember feeling a hand lead me inside to eat and then walking mechanically to bed.

The next day, a monk said, “It looks like you will be staying with us. It’s best to understand your duty as a nun here.” I just nodded.

He taught me to clean the temple, to sweep the courtyard, and to meditate on the universe. I did as I was told day by day. Each day, I forgot who I was, and each day, the world became more and more colorless. The years passed by quickly.

Here I stand now, thirteen years later, still stuck in the same place: worthless and unlovable because of my hand. If only I was normal like everyone else, then I would not have been abandoned. I would have been worthy of love. But here I am, always looked down upon, and although they don’t say it, I can feel their judgment on me. Their disdain seeped into the atmosphere, choking me. I could not do much because of this burden.I felt empty and numb inside. I’ve considered leaving for good… I don’t want to stay in this dark hole forever. I don’t belong here. I want freedom, but I have nowhere to go. I’ve had enough of this. I am going to end it today. I have the rope ready, I know when to do it and where. Now I just need to wait.

I thought I was going to leave that day, but the Heavens had other plans.

The day I was going to leave, one of the monks barged into my room and announced, “There’s a doctor who came to the monastery! Maybe he can heal you!”

I was sitting on my bed, looking out the window. I slowly turn to him. Another one. Another lie.

“I don’t want to go,” I said. “Every doctor who comes has done nothing for me. I’m not going.”

“But he is a foreigner!”

“So what?”

“He might be able to heal you!”

I sighed and replied, “No, I am not going.”

“You sure? This might be your only chance.”

I waved him away impatiently. He was about to leave when a voice suddenly urged, Go, take a look. Give him a chance.

I pushed the voice down. I am not going to be foolish.

Yet it urged me once again. I refused. I already had too much false hope. I couldn’t do it again.

The monk left. A while later, I saw a man with white hair wearing jeans and a black jacket hobble across the courtyard and enter into a lower room. The voice inside me urged, Go to him. I pushed the voice down and stayed at my window watching him.

I don’t know how long he spent in the monastery, but soon, he exited the room and was talking to one of the monks. The voice inside me urged louder than ever. Go! This is your last chance. I watched as he hobbled into the courtyard. I felt a supernatural force inside me suddenly push me to move. I got off my bed and ran down the stairs. I hope it’s not too late! I hope it’s not too late!

I reached him just as he was about to step out of the monastery. “Sir!” I called. He stopped and looked around. When he spotted me, he smiled. His eyes radiate warmth and love. The monk beside him smiled and said, “Hey Zhuo Ma! What brings you here?”

I ignored him but instead used my right hand to grab the foreigner’s. “Can you see if you can heal my hand?”

He looked at my limp, shriveled up hand and said, “I would be glad to.”

The monk quickly led us back to the room and told us, “I have duties to attend to, but Zhuo Ma can escort you to the exit after you are done.”

He nodded and the monk took his leave, closing the door behind him.

“So your name is Zhuo Ma?” he asked as he took his equipment out.

I nodded and then asked, “You are?”

“You can call me Doctor Jiang,” he said as he started to look at my hand.

I nodded.

My silence didn’t seem to bother him and he started talking. The more he talked the more I became curious. Little by little I started to open up to him and we had a great conversation. At length, he sighed, “I am afraid there is nothing I can do for your hand.”

My eyes dropped to the floor and my heart sank. You shouldn’t have expected otherwise.

He laid his hand on me gently, and I met his gaze. “I may not be able to help you physically, but I can help you spiritually.”

“Help me spiritually? I am at a monastery! I am doing well spiritually!” I replied in disdain.

“No, you are not. I can just see it in your eyes. You have no hope.”

I looked away. Tears blurring my vision. How did he know?

“I know someone who can give you hope,” he said gently.

Hope. It’s been years since I heard that word. “What hope?” I whispered. I looked at his face, searching desperately. His eyes were full of compassion. A smile graced his lips. “I’m glad you asked. Let me tell you about a man named Jesus…”

The more I listened, the more I felt moved. He told me of God who lived in Heaven and had everything. How God became a man to die for me so that He could be with me. He claimed that the world was dark because of something called sin, which was the desires we were not supposed to have. He told me that the man died for me because he loved me so much. The more he spoke, the more I believed. Somewhere out there, there was a god who loved me and died for me because He thought I was worth it. As the sun started to dip, he pulled out a book with golden lettering on it.

“Here, take this and read it,” he said. “It’s best if you read John first.”

I timidly took the book in my hands. It was soft and flimsy but sturdy. I smiled and thanked him.

He got up and I led him to the door of the monastery. Before he left he said, “Zhuo Ma, I know life has been hard for you and a lot of things are out of your control, but I just want you to know that Jesus will never abandon you or forsake you. He loves you just as you are.”

That night, in my room, away from prying eyes, I opened the book and read John. As I read, I felt the world slowly become colorful again. I felt hope in my heart. I may not be able to change my situation, but I can change the way I see the world.

That night, I prayed to Jesus and asked Him into my heart. I confessed that I needed Him and this time, instead of crying tears of pain, I cried tears of joy. I felt a burden fall from my shoulders and my heart grew lighter. My steps became lighter now too because I knew who I was: I am a child of God who is worthy of love. I am not abandoned because God is with me. From today onwards, I will never be the same because it was in that dark monastery that I encountered The True Light. 

Author's Note

If there is anything I could do to make my work better, please tell me respectfully. I would like to improve my writing. Thank you for the support! Have a great day!