The first encounter

Long ago, when dragons still lived on the surface of the earth and wizards used their magic freely, a man named Petrus lived in a small village called Ravioli. He lived on top of a hill with his cow and his horse, away from the rest. He was not well liked by the people of the village, and there was a rumor that he practiced black magic.

He never went down to town. He lived off what he reaped at the top of his hill and the milk that his cow provided. Few had seen him up close, and some even believed that he was some kind of monster or ghoul. These and many other legends surrounded Petrus with a mysterious aura. He was feared by all the inhabitants of Ravioli.

A little boy named Rufus also lived in town. He was the smallest of all twelve-year-olds, but his intelligence was superior to that of some adults. He was cunning, caring, and clever. Little did he care what people said or thought of him. He always felt misunderstood and found it difficult to understand others. It had been a while since he had stopped attending school because the teacher kept complaining that he was making him look like a fool in front of the others.

He was also a strange boy. The other kids didn't understand him at all, some were even scared of him, so he didn't really have any friends. He was always being pushed around. If it wasn’t Chubby Toby, it was some of the other town’s bullies. He had to deal with that alone, as the adults never seemed to see the problem. Despite all his problems, he was always happy and ever hopeful. He savored life every day, and he knew that it must have something awesome in store for him.

One day, when he was picking berries at the edge of the forest, he heard a strange noise. It sounded like creaking twigs and leaves. He approached the bushes from where the sound came carefully and slowly. There he found a dying wolf. It had a nasty wound on its side. He felt afraid, but he also felt compassion for the poor beast. He had always been a kind kid.

“Mr. Wolf are you okay?” poor little kid, he didn’t know wolfs don’t talk.

“No, kid. I’m not okay. I’m dying” well, who would have known, this one did talk.

“I’ll make a deal with you, Mr. Wolf. I’ll take you home with me and heal you if you promise not to eat me or my family or our sheep.” he proposed.

“Well, kid. I think I have to agree. Please do take me with you and heal me. I promise I won’t eat you or your family or your sheep.” he promised.

“I will, but you are too big for me to carry you back home. Wait for me here and I’ll go get the sled.”

“Very well, kid. I promise I won’t go anywhere. I’ll wait right here for you.”

And so little Rufus went home for his sled.

“Where are you going with the sled, Rufus? There is no snow yet.”

“I need it to help a friend, Mom.” 

“A friend?” she said in joyous disbelief “Very well, Rufus, go help your friend. But don’t be late for dinner.”

“Okay, Mommy. I promise.”

He found the wolf right where he left him. Between the two of them, they managed to get Mr. Wolf on top of the sled. Rufus headed back home with his new friend with a huge smile in his face.

“Yikes! I didn’t think of where to hide you!” said the kid to the wolf.

“Well, how about the barn?” said the wolf to the kid.

“Good idea! I’ll make you a bed of hay.”

“That would be nice. Thank you very much, kid.”

Rufus made a wonderful bed of hay for the poor wolf to lay down. The wounded animal laid down with some difficulty and with more than one snort. Rufus went for a wet clean piece of cloth and he cleaned the wolf's wound very carefully and covered it with new bandages. 

Then he tiptoed into the kitchen, making sure not to make a sound. He served a bowl of water and stole a smoked ham from the pantry, both of which he gave to Mr. Wolf, who ate them in less than you can say the grasshopper hopped over the grass.

“You are a good person, kid. I will always be grateful for what you are doing.”

“Oh, don’t think about it. It was my pleasure being able to save you, Mr. Wolf.” He was not only a good kid; he was also polite.

“You can call me Petrus.” Said Petrus.

“Nice to meet you Petrus, I’m Rufus.” Said Rufus.

Author's Note

This is just the introduction. What do you think of it?
Criticism is more than welcome. Thank you in advance for your comments!

Reviews

[Capa]

It's a cute story and I enjoyed reading it. I think this story would benefit from "more tell". There are parts where the story feels like a report where you are telling me what Rufus is doing instead of showing me what Rufus is doing. For example, you said "He felt afraid, but he also felt compassion for the poor beast. He had always been a kind kid." I think this story would improve if you showed that Rufus was scared through actions such as cautiously approaching Mr.Wolf by taking step by step. Or you can demonstrate that Rufus is compassionate by his actions of pushing Mr.Wolf on the sled and giving him hay to sleep on and food. Hopefully this makes sense. Anyway I look forward to how your story progresses!

[Esteban Morfín]

Thanks a lot for the feedback! I'll work on it. This is the reason I came to this place. I really thank you for the comments.

[JayG]

You are going to hate me, I think. But you did ask, and you do need to know, so…

First, you write well. Better then most here. And what I have to say is unrelated to that, your talent, or the story. So that’s sort of good news. But like most hopeful writers you suffer a major problem.

But before that, some observationa and suggestions:

• Mr. Wolf are you okay?” he asked. Poor little kid, he didn’t know wolfs don’t talk.

Makes no sense. First, because twelve isn't little. And if the kid’s twelve and smart, as you say, fairy-tale or not, as presented he expects all animals to talk, so the business with the narrator not knowing can’t work, if for no reason other than that the narrator has to know the story before they begin to talk, and so wouldn’t say what you have him saying. Never force behavior to the needs of the plot. Readers will know and will turn away. That's why it's a guaranteed rejection point.

• I’ll make a deal with you, Mr. Wolf. I’ll take you home with me and heal you if you promise not to eat me or my family or our sheep.” he proposed.

This is critical. There are precisely two individuals, one a human and one a wolf. In this line it’s the boy’s turn to speak. And in the line, he both addresses the wolf by species, and proposes a deal. What conceivable reason is there to explain, after that, both that it was the boy speaking and that he proposed a deal? Answer: none. Tags are used only when there’s uncertainty as to who’s speaking and when some amplification or clarification of the words are necessary. You overuse tags a LOT.

• Where are you going with the sled, Rufus? There is no snow yet.” Asked his mother.

There’s a question mark. Why tell the reader she asked a question. And in any case, the antecedent for the tag is the snow. In a case like this, you can place the tag between the first and second sentence. Or, lead with: “As he dug out his sled his mother frowned.” Then just drop in the two lines with no tag. That's better because body language adds realism.

• “Very well, Rufus, go help your friend.

Seriously? There’s no snow, and his excuse for taking a sled is, “I need to help a friend.” And she doesn’t ask about why the sled is needed? So his mom is stupid? Again, you’re making things happen because that’s what you need for the plot. But if your characters are smart when you need smart, but shed intelligence when that’s needed, how can they seem real?

And that brings us back to the original “problem,” which is that you’ve made the logical assumption that the word “writing” that’s part of the profession, Fiction-Writing, refers to the kind of writing you were taught in school. It doesn’t. Fiction-Writing is a profession, remember. And professions are acquired IN ADDITION to the set of general skills we’re given in school.

The goal of all those reports and essays we were assigned in school was to give us a skill that employers value: nonfiction writing. And the goal of nonfiction is to clearly inform the reader with a minimum of emotional distraction. But fiction is all about emotion. And the goal is to provide an emotional experience that will make the reader feel as if they’re living the story in real time. E. L. Doctorow put it well when he said, “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” And that’s pretty much the opposite of nonfiction’s approach.

Like so many hopeful writers you tried to bypass that by taking the storyteller’s approach, transcribing yourself telling the story to an audience. That would seem reasonable in that this is appears to be a fairy-tale. But there’s a significant problem in that the reader cannot either hear or see your performance. So all the emotion you place into your voice, and that hear as you read your own words, is gone for the reader, as are facial expression, gesture, and body language. Have your computer read this aloud to hear what the reader gets. It’s a good editing technique, one every author should use.

So how do you get around the problem? Simple. Add the techniques of the fiction-writing pro to those you now own. It’s not a matter of “Do this instead of that and you’re good to go,” though, so there’s a fair amount of work and study involved. But that’s true of every profession, so it’s more a rite of passage than a disaster, though it does mean you won’t be rich and famous in time for the New Year.

You’ll love the way it makes the act of writing more fun by forcing you to live the scene as the protagonist in real-time, though. And there will be a fair amount of time spent slapping your forehead and saying, “Damn…but that’s so obvious. Why didn’t I see it, myself?”

And while your local library’s fiction-writing section has lots of books on the subject, the best book I’ve found to date on the nuts-and-bolts issues of fiction is Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer, which is available at the link below. Use the leftmost of the three buttons (the one in Russian) to select the format your reader requires.
https://ru.b-ok2.org/book/2640776/e749ea

It won’t make a pro of you. That’s your task. But it will give you the tools and the knowledge of what they can do for you. The articles in my writing blog can give you an idea of the kind of things addressed in the book since in large part they’re based on his teachings.

So dig in. But whatever you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Esteban Morfín]

Why would I hate you? This is exactly why I got here in the first place! Thank you for such a detailed review and for your advice.
You are absolutely right about the tags. I use them a lot, even when I was deliverately trying to avoid precisely that.
You're also right about Rufus, 12 isn't little, I might take 3 or 4 years off him.
As for the selective intelligence, I disagree with you. The kid won't know if wolfs talk or don't talk, no matter how intelligent he is, if no one ever clarified that for him. As for the mother, she is only happy about his kid having a friend, she doesn't care about the sled or what's he gonna do with it. But this gives you another point to your favor, as I certainly fail to transmit this ideas in my story, so I will work on that too.

[Esteban Morfín]

I'll most certainly read all the material you provided me. Thanks for taking some time to help a fellow writer!!

[JayG]

• As for the selective intelligence, I disagree with you. The kid won't know if wolfs talk or don't talk, no matter how intelligent he is,

Minor point: "wolves" is the plural in English. Makes no more sense than mouse/mice not leading to house/hice, but still...

As for the talking, My two year old grandson knows that real animals don't talk, and he sees them talk in cartoons. He extrapolated that from the dog not talking, I'm sure. This boy has seen lots of animals and not one person having a conversation with them. Having a kid in that environment expect an obviously hurt predator—one who he knows is dangerous—hold a conversation, makes for a pretty dumb kid. Right?

But forget that. The primary identifying characteristic of a fairytale is that fantastic things happen and-people-treat-that-as-normal. So the problem isn't that the wolf talks, it's that the narrator steps on stage to talk to the reader about it without the kid or the wolf asking them who they are and why they're talking to invisible people.

The narrator serves the story, they're not in it. And as such must always recognizes that, to the reader, their voice is inherently dispassionate, so they must stay out of the scene or kill the momentum.

While the author can describe the wolf's vocal emotion, body language and expression, etc., plus that of anyone in the story, you can't tell the reader how you read your lines, and the reader can't guess based on content because they don't know what the line will say till it's read, and then it's too late. In the words of Sol Stein: “In sum, if you want to improve your chances of publication, keep your story visible on stage and yourself mum.”

• As for the mother, she is only happy about his kid having a friend,

Critical point: That's your intent. But only you know that. That's why a reader always having context as they read is absolutely necessary.

The problem with presenting any story in the viewpoint of the narrator, rather than that of the protagonist, is that an outside-in approach is inherently dispassionate for the reader, though the writer, knowing the context as they read, may not notice that it's missing as they edit. The primary difference between fiction and nonfiction is that nonfiction is in the author's viewpoint while fiction is usually presented in the protagonist's, because it so strongly controls the reader's perception of the scene.

This article may clarify:
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/2011/09/22/the-grumpy-writing-coach-8/

[Esteban Morfín]

Thanks a lot again. You totally disarmed me with that intelligence thing. I'll dig in your content.

[emipoemi]

for a moment there, I thought that was the whole story – I'd have had a number of comments were that the case. But my main critique for this opening is the transition between paragraphs 3 and 4 is a bit wonky what with the unnecessary repetition. I realize this is supposed to be a children's story, but even children's stories have more of a smoother flow. Similar to what Capa is saying, don't be afraid to set the scene, and bring the readers into the story. It would have a better effect. But that opening is well done! Superb on a children story level! Looking forward to seeing how this progresses.

[Esteban Morfín]

Thanks a lot! I'll work on it.

[The Half-blood Poet]

Esteban,
I liked the beginning of your story, it reminds me of all the fairy tales I used to read when I was younger. It was very engaging and I would really like to know how the story ends. I think your story would benefit from more imagery and revealing how the characters feel through their actions rather than your words.

[Esteban Morfín]

Thanks a lot! You were really helpful. I've been told that same thing about letting know the feelings through their actions, but I'm not sure how to do it. I guess I just need more practice.

[Samuel Dickens]

I think it's going very well, and I enjoyed reading it. Being a fan of the Grimm Brothers and other similar writings, this is right down my alley. You're a very good story-teller and also skilled technically. As I suspect you want everything to be correct, here are a couple of small errors I noticed--the word is "too"-"you are to big..." Also, when you use "mom" in place of her name, it should be capitalized.

[Esteban Morfín]

Thanks a lot for the comment and the corrections!
I'll try to return the favor as soon as I can.

[Moonie]

Sounds very cute, are you thinking of turning this into a children's tale or is it meant for adults?
Since you asked for criticism (and very few on this site know the value of criticism), here are a few points.

1. Para 2 "he was some kind of monster or something like that."
"Something like that" breaks the flow. You could either skip the last 4 words, or write something more specific like "some even thought he was a monster or a ghoul"

2. "A little boy named Rufus also lived in town. He was the smallest of all twelve-year-olds, but his intelligence was superior to that of some adults. He was cunning, happy, and clever. Little did he care what they said or thought of him. He always felt misunderstood and found it difficult to understand others. It had been a while since he had stopped attending school because the teacher kept complaining that he was making him look like a fool in front of the others."

I have a few notes on this para. Keep the "cunning, happy and clever" line before the "smallest of all twelve year olds" because the "they " in the line "never did he care what they thought..." is for those twelve year olds.

Also, you could say he was caring instead of calling him happy. That way you wouldn't need to mention why he helped the wolf and you do repeat that he is happy and hopeful in para 4.

3. Para 5 Make the "strange noise." something more specific, like the rustle of leaves, or the crunch of dry branches. Make him approach the bushes because of this sound and make him discover the wounded animal then. It adds more suspense than revealing it's a wounded animal before he sets sight on him. (This one is just my opinion)

4 "....I won’t eat you or your family or your sheep.” He promised."
The tag following the dialogue should be lowercase. I noticed this in several dialogues, probably a typo, but i thought I'll mention it :))

Also, when I began writing short stories, I found writing dialogue to be the hardest. I like that yours sounds natural and that you don't use tags like "he growled", "he shouted", "she frowned" which sound really incongruous.

[Esteban Morfín]

Thank you so much for taking the time of making such a detailed review!! You were really helpful. I think you are mostly right in everything you mentioned.
Thanks for the feedback!!
Really, really, thank you. This is the reason for which I came to this site. To get this kind of reviews.

P.D. I promise to return the favor as soon as I have time (although I don't have any formal education but I do have a lot of intuition).

[Brian Shepard]

It's the set up for a classic fable or fairy tale. Brilliant. The simplicity, the suspension of belief... Truly magical beginnings. I look forward to continuing to read as the story unfolds.

[Esteban Morfín]

Thanks for the feedback!