To die in a night...

"Nothing here is as it seems..."

 

“See what you don’t realize about becoming immortal is that life is precious because it ends.”

-Mick St. John, Moonlight

 

There’s something to be said about laying flat on your back, in some kind of muck that’s soaking into your green jacket, with the sweet, nauseous, gag inducing stench of garbage around you and having a girl half your size straddling your chest ready to impale you with a stake.

 

The thought that came to mind to Shaun Andro was ‘freaking annoying’.

 

The evening had started out well enough. She had finally gotten around to doing her laundry. Which meant that she officially now had clean clothes to wear, the downside was she had done laundry leaving her with almost no money to her name. So, she had dressed in her best ripped, faded jeans that made her legs look like those a kick a*s athlete, a grey hoodie under her green jacket for extra warmth, and her reddish brown combat boots. Not to mention her orange beanie so she didn’t have to futz too much with her fire engine red hair.

 

Rolling her eyes Shaun considered her options for her current dilemma since glaring up at the girl through aqua coloured eyes didn’t seem to solve anything. She could a.) Scream like a little school girl; b.) Head butt the Buffy wannabe; c.) Do some complicated, weird martial art moves and run like you wouldn’t believe; or d.) Escape via her ultra cool power.

 

Shaun chose d, of course.

 

Holding her breath, Shaun felt her body start to melt through the concrete.

 

Moving through the ground she could sense the vibrations of the wannabe striking the ground more in frustration than amazement.

 

Shaun floated up through the concrete to stand right behind the wannabe.

 

“Nothing here is what it seems,” Shaun smugly grinned when the wannabe jumped and turned to face her.

 

“I’m not the bad guy here and well, you are not the miraculous hero here to save the day.” She approached the girl as she shakily stood up.

 

“Things aren’t just black and white,” as the world became sharper, more focused Shaun knew that her eyes had taken on a florescent yellow colour.

 

“You are evil,” the girl spat out as she walked backwards, hunched over.

 

Shaun laughed, well naturedly. Part of it from the signals that the girl was giving off, she was the prey and Shaun, she was the predator. From experience Shaun knew that their roles could change in an instant. “Evil? Evil is a word you mortals coined to explain away the things you can not possibly understand.”

 

“What? Is that the new deal with you monsters? You are just misunderstood?  People are misunderstood-”

 

“Did you know that your kind kill themselves more than we do? Why aren’t you out… murdering them?” Shaun paused in her advancement as the girls back hit the brick wall.

 

“I’m not a murder.”

 

“Oh, that’s right.” Shaun snapped her fingers, “you can’t kill what’s already dead, right? Here’s a little secret.” Shaun leaned forward and whispered loudly, “we have a heartbeat and we breathe. So, does that constitute as being one of the dead in your little world? Hmm?” 

 

Moving faster than the girl could see, Shaun grasped a fistful of the girl’s shirt, slammed her to the ground and returned the favor of straddling her chest.

 

Scenting the air, Shaun could all but taste the fear radiating off of her. Adding a tad bit of pressure to the girl’s throat, Shaun cut off her breathing. She watched passively as the girl struggled, trying to beat away her hands. Just as she was on the edge of consciousness Shaun leaned forward until she was all that the girl could see, “what you think I was actually going to kill you? How twelfth century of you.”

 

Once the girl was passed out, Shaun removed her hands and only stayed till she was sure that the girl was breathing.

 

Standing above the girl, Shaun stared down at her. She wore her honey blond hair back in a sloppy bun that looked almost ready to unravel. Her skin was tanned from endless days in the sun. From memory Shaun knew that the girl’s eyes were sea green with flecks of white in them, a common sign of a full blooded Dweller, a person who contained an ability that all humans considered supernatural.

 

The jacket was cotton and polyester brown material that was more of a fashion statement than for warmth. The shirt that the girl wore was originally a black band shirt with some kind of red design or lettering, but it had faded over time to be indecipherable. The coffee wash blue jeans looked new, but were covered in grime probably from other hunts in alleyways. There were at least three holes in her ears causing Shaun to acknowledge that the girl had the brains not to go hunting with hoops or studs in her ears when they could get caught on something and be ripped out.

 

She was skinny, her face gaunt, and in a way sickly. Though, Shaun knew from the girl’s scent she had no physical ailment to cause this, but it was caused by a sudden and rapid weight loss.

 

Shaun found herself wondering if that had anything to do with the girl sudden decision to become a Hunter of her kind.  If was a common thing with Hunters, they lose a loved one and then, all that they can see is vengeance. Soon, it’s all that they think about. It actually becomes their life.

 

The fact that the girl had gave a bloodcurdling yell before tackling her was incentive enough for Shaun to know that the girl hadn’t been hunting for that long. Furthermore Shaun would be utterly surprised if the girl have more than three kills under her belt.

 

Scoffing at herself she left the girl behind.

 

“Humans,” Shaun muttered to herself as she kicked a can out of her way.

 

Pausing in the entrance to the alley Shaun looked up and snarled at the lone silhouette on the roof. Jumping up two stories she landed easily on the ledge.

 

“Dare I ask why you followed me here, Malachi?”

 

“Would concern for the well being of my niece be good enough for you?”

 

Shaun rejected it with a laugh.

 

“I’ll take that as a no,” his mouth quirked at the sight of the girl below. “I’ll venture a guess and say that you two didn’t see eye to eye?”

 

“She’s the one who attacked me, not the other way around.”

 

“And what were you doing in a dark alleyway at night?”

 

“What I always do in a dark alleyway at night.”

 

“Which would be?”

 

“None of your business,” Shaun walked right up to Malachi and stared at his profile. “By the way what are you doing here? Are you my new stalker?”

 

“I heard about that. Dislocating your bodyguard’s shoulder,” Malachi shook his head, “your mother taught you better than that.”

 

“Odd, the only mother I seem to remember ran in terror when you showed up.”

 

Malachi chuckled, “now those were the days. Pillaging and thieving whenever we saw fit, alas those days are behind us. Besides don’t try to change the subject with me, you knew which mother I spoke of. Isolde, she worries about you.”

 

“Yeah, she’s worried about what trouble I managed to wrangle myself in today.” Shaun crouched down on the ledge and watched the wannabe.

 

“The hunters are getting more dangerous every day.”

 

“All those damn shows,” Shaun scoffed and shook her head, “Isn’t that new firm we hired for P.R. supposed to be working on romanticizing our image?”

 

“Shaun, they’re only humans. They can only do so much. It takes time.”

 

“Well, those shows that they have on the air are hurting rather than helping us, Mal. All because of that damn Buffy show.” Shaun turned her attention to her uncle as she watched him out of the corner of her eye, “You know what the body count is so far this week?”

 

“Last week it was around fifteen. This week we know that they got at least two more.” Malachi watched Shaun, curiosity in his gaze.

 

“Let me guess, you are wondering why I’m not busy sucking every last drop of blood out of her body, right?”

 

“Exactly.”

 

Shaun actually considered her answer before speaking, “violence begets violence.”

 

“Ah, the eye for an eye analogy.”

 

“We kill them. They kill us. We kill them in vengeance. Etc, etc, etc.” Shawn narrowed her eyes as she noticed the girl started to twitch awake.

 

“And the cycle continues.” Malachi shook his head, “But the girl saw your face, aren’t you worried?”

 

Shaun scoffed, “Please, I have that one flaw that all born vampires have. The superiority complex. Nothing can touch us because we are the invincible, cuddly, blood-sucking bunnies.”  

 

“It’s always a surprise of what things that will come out of your mouth.”

 

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

 

Malachi shot her, his devil may care smile and smoothed out a non-exist wrinkle from his black Armani suit. “Your mother, Isolde, wants to have a word with you.”

 

“Wasn’t she originally worried about me? Besides she always wants to have a word with me. First it was about the birds and the bees. By the by… Ew. The second time it was the vampire talk. The third time… I ran away before she could open her mouth.” Shaun stood up keeping an eye on the girl.

 

“And if I remember correctly you ran right through the castle walls to get away. But that won’t work this time.”

 

Shaun folded her arms over her chest and shot him an arrogant look. “And why not?”

 

Just like Shaun had done to the girl, Malachi grabbed a fistful of her jacket and swung her to face him.

 

Fear clutched around her heart and dried her throat. She didn’t even see him move. She didn’t even think he could move that fast, not from spending years behind a desk filling out papers for the Coven. “What are you doing?” Shaun yelled breathlessly as she grasped at his forearms. “Let me go!”

 

“I’m so sorry, Shaun.”

 

Shaun’s eyes widened as she realized what he was about to do. “No! You can’t do this!” She kicked aimlessly at his shins.

 

“It’s the only way to guarantee that you’ll come with me without a fight. Also, to ensure that you are little hunter friend believes that you were killed either by your own kind or another hunter.” He didn’t so much as flinch from her blows.

 

Shaun felt her incisors lengthen slightly and her eyes change. “I’m going to get you for this.  I promise,” she snarled at him.

 

“I’ll be looking forward to it.” He nodded his head before using his strength to throw her to the ground below. 

 

Shaun felt herself falling and tried to concentrate on her ability that’d help her move through the ground that was quickly rushing up to meet her.

 

She tried to think of any other alternative that wouldn’t end up with her dead and covered (even more) in muck. Her mind drew a blank.

 

The very last thing she remembered before the darkness was a loud crunch and her feeling like the wind got knocked out of her.

Reviews

[Calypso]

This is very good. The very first sentence caught my attention.

[Mrs.Lovett]

This's really good. keep it up.

[Bhavya Kaushik]

Wow! I simply loved this piece of writing...
Also I always love to read about vampires :)
can't wait to read more...

[a Messenger]

An enjoyable read. I have to agree with those before me about the grammar and such, but overall very well done.

[Zeyh]

Is naturedly a word?

I like the idea, but you might want to look through for grammar. Some of it is sort of awkward writing (don't worry--everyone ends up using it. Even narcissus me), but that can be fixed easily.

Also, you switch times. Example; Shaun found herself wondering if that had anything to do with the girl sudden decision to become a Hunter of her kind. If was a common thing with Hunters, they lose a loved one and then, all that they can see is vengeance. /Soon, it's all that they think about. It actually becomes their life./ That makes the whole thing lose some clarity. You might want to drop 'it actually' or try something else entirely.

There's a lot of dialouge. You should break it up with some description or something.

Good job, though.
=3
I like it.

[Jocelyn Elizabeth]

Mick St. John is my hero. He's FREAKIN' GORGEOUS! I tried to make Kaleb kind of look like him... shhh. Haha. Anyway....

Please don't dread my review. I owe it to you, mmkay. You review my stuff like crazy, and it's only fair I return the favor and give you a rating of 8249324.

"There's something to be said about laying flat on your back, in some kind of muck that's soaking into your green jacket, with the sweet, nauseous, gag inducing stench of garbage around you and having a girl half your size straddling your chest ready to impale you with a stake."

The only problem with this sentence is that I start reading it and can't take a breath until the very end. It's a great intro, no doubt. It makes my want to read on and discover a) why is someone trying to kill this person, b) why is the main character rolling around in garbage, and c) how did the character even get in such a rotten situation? Haha, do you like that? Rotten situation? I crack myself up... And remember, I don't mind if you utilize my exact words or change them to meet your standars, or just completelyy disregard them as the ravings of a lunatic. Shaun, great name by the way.

Shaun Andro lay flat on her back, the smell of something rotten stinging her sensative nose. It was like the stench of three month old milk intermingled with that of dead rats under the floor boards. Something wet seeped through the green fabric of her jacket, distracting her from the petite girl about to impale her with a nasty looking stake.

It was her favorite jacket, surviving decades of of abuse. Laying in a heap of garbage only made things worse. Her favorite jacket was now drenched in god knows what, with an aroma so vile it could send any man to his grave. It was no wonder the vampire was mad. Staring up at the puny hunter, she was furious.

What say you? I tried to seperate your thoughts into sentences. It's more my style than yours, but I'm confident you can make it your own. I kind of went off on a tangent. Haha. I'm sure you gathered that.

"She had finally gotten around to doing her laundry. Which meant that she officially now had clean clothes to wear, the downside was she had done laundry leaving her with almost no money to her name."

Shaun Andro had finally gotten around to the mound of laundry gathering on her bedroom floor, which meant clean clothes for the next month. The only downside was that the laundromat left her with almost no money to her name.

"So, she had dressed in her best ripped, faded jeans that made her legs look like those a kick a*s athlete, a grey hoodie under her green jacket for extra warmth, and her reddish brown combat boots. Not to mention her orange beanie so she didn't have to futz too much with her fire engine red hair."

I know you're trying to paint a picture, but this almost leaves none for the reader's imagination. Granted, the image it paints is pretty impressive. I know exactly what your character looks like, but to me it feels more like an image a victim would give to a police sketch artist. Ya know?

After the bit about her doing laundry and having no money, you should add: "It would only seem appropriate that after spending her last cents on laundry, she slipped into her favorite pair of sun-bleached Levis and canvased the town for dinner.

Then throughout the rest of the chapter you can go on to drop hints about her hair, and her gray sweatshit and what not. Haha. This is a great story, I hope I'm not discouraging you. I believe I would have chose C and went kun fu on her a*s!!

She approached the girl as she shakily stood up. The girl rose to her feet, trembling with shock. Or something. One of the people that reviews my stories is always telling me -ly words are the devil... much like I say repitition is the devil. I supposed in the literaty univers, -ly words are almost just as bad.

"Wasn't she originally worried about me? Besides she always wants to have a word with me. First it was about the birds and the bees. By the by� Ew. The second time it was the vampire talk. The third time� I ran away before she could open her mouth." This is great. It made me smile... not laugh, but only because I'm exhausted. If I was awake... I would laugh. I know this to be true.

ACK!! CLIFFFHANGER... must read further. This is about vampires right? I'm not crazy? I hope I'm not. On to the next chapter. You actually have me hooked, and that is a rare and unusual occasion. I believe I should have read this a long time ago. Rating: 100, not just because we are writerscafe buddies, but because this is quite good.

Joce.