Lost Flower [poem about the black dahlia murder]

Poem I hadto write for english class about a historical event. Naturally I chose a famour unsolved murder.

A sunny morning, crossing the street,
not expecting to see.
Oh goodness! Oh my!
This can’t be.

A young woman,
the fresh age of twenty two,
lay crumpled on the ground,
in a tangle or two.

Her hair so dark,
her lips so red,
her skin so pale,
you’d swear she was dead!

As I ventured near I let out a gasp.
In shock I let out a sharp cry.
I realized what had happened
and asked myself why.

I ran with great speed.
I said my goodbye.
I ran to that telephone booth,
with my head to the sky.

I picked up that phone.
I dialled that number.
I made up a lie,
so they wouldn’t wonder.

When the police arrived
I watched with a shiver.
I won’t let them know it was I who called,
I thought with a quiver.

The coroner came in and his analysis was final.
He reported, “Cut ear to ear
and severed down the middle.”
I couldn’t believe what I was to hear.

I looked at the girl, this lost flower.
I looked for a while.
It was true. It was all true,
her face was now an everlasting red smile.

Tears rolled down for the dahlia of black.
I cursed the savage fiend that did this to eternal damnation.
Then I turned to remove myself,
from this saddening desperation.

Author's Note

Keep or Trash?

Reviews

[Meredith Leigh]

I like this a lot, and not just because I like the Black Dahlia Murder [the event and the band] but because it followed the story line in a great way without breaking the flow of a poem, with the rhyming and all. Lovley write!

- Kriss

[I Feel It All]

awesome

[I Feel It All]

AMAZING! YOU ARE THE BEST F*****G WRITER ON HERE!!!!
I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jumbie's #1 fan]

I like this, way to go for writing something historical. You did great, epecially with the color differences in the text. It fit quite nicely

[Kyle]

i liked your poem, and i think you thought about what you were going to write,
but i felt a slight inconcistancy in the telling of the story,
i think it could become something even more great if it was just expanded or turned into a story.
i am a big fan of murder mysterys, and the black dahlia murder is right up my alley,
i have watched the movies, and have read of the conspiricies about this wave of pandimonium that shocked most everyone in its tme period,
and i think you captured the significance of the event,
i just wish it could have streached on into more of a complete thought.
i still think its great, and i have a feeling that you are a true poet, besides this is just my opinion.
keep on writing and creating new stories,
cause i want to read more of your work!!

[Chaotic Mind]

i hope you can take criticizm, and i dont mean to be mean or cuel or anything that is not my goal. but...
you need to make it less of a story, and at the end of hte first stanza you have "Oh goodness! Oh my!
This can't be." and i really feel this takes away from the poem, it gives it a less, poetic feel. THe last three stanzas were quite nice, and i believe they have a great deal of potental as do you for writing them. but the beginning until the last three stanzas has a... story book feel.
The idea and hte story of it is very nice but the word choice and the way you set it all up takes away from that. because finding a dead neighbor or just someone around is a very creepy subject.
Maybe try rewriting it with less of a story book order to it, taking out a lot of the "step one, step two, step 3" type processes...
you have potential to be a rather good writer, just need a little bit of work.
[does this make any sense? any questions? and i hope i wasnt too harsh]