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When the weight is too much, all I want to do is collapse. This is for all the students who have studied all night long and found it hard to stay awake.

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Too much inertia...

Loss of focus...

Like the last moments of a dream.

My body goes slack

Like a doll,

And I fall

As my mind struggles

To stay.

 

Sleep is attempting

To reel me in

Like a fish ensnared on a hook.

I cling to myself,

But like air

Nothing’s there.

And now, I‘m losing

The fight.

 

My mind is fatigued,

Overloaded,

Like a computer run too long.

At any second,

I could crash

As I dash,

Chasing the blue screen

Of death.

Author's Note

This is my first attempt at poetry, so any advise is appreciated, especially in the areas of grammar, beat and rhyme scheme. I think I've done a fair job of portraying the sensation I was feeling, but of course, interpretations are welcome.

Reviews

[Luissanto]

Beautifully written, nothing needs to be added or taken away, Your thoughts
are haunting and captivating... I love it

[Ken Yen]

i like this, though it does feel a bit unfinished. i hope you continue with your poetry.

[shoaib]

i see what you''re going for here, to me the metaphors are not consistent, but then again might be what you are going for. I see them as - limp body like a doll, fish on a hook, air, computer on to long. so there doesnt seem to be any underlying them. On the other hand maybe the inconsistency is proof of your mind being so tired ... so in that sense the poem could work really well
hope you find this comment constructive okay :) great work and keep writing :)) take care

[Sheik]

Perfect! There is nothing you need to do to this poem. I can tell you it's barely a rhyming one, more of a free verse.