First paragraph of my book (possibly)

First paragraph of my book (possibly)

A Story by Erudite
"

I've finally started writing my first book, and I'm interested to know what you guys think of the first paragraph. Since the opening is, arguably, the most important part.

"
The gray clouds that hung heavily above the serene, grassy hills of Bardima parted for a moment, almost purposefully to give pause amidst the torrents of rain that'd been falling all evening. The sunlight which shone through the gap fell gracefully, and with warmth, upon the smiling face and strong shoulders of Alexander, a young warrior. He had been strolling in the rain searching for something, though not sure what it was. Something had been calling him out to the wilderness lately, that much was certain. It was like a small voice, whispering from a distance, reaching out to him from behind the hills. He raised his head upward, in thanksgiving to the skies, and held out his hands as if to hold a cup of fresh sunlight.
"Aleeex!" a woman's voice cried out from behind him, "Aren't you coming home? I made supper and it's getting cold!"
Alexander turned around and was pleasantly surprised by the sight of his wife, Evelyn. She was leaning against a tree, arms clutching a basket full of bread, boar meat, and various fruits native to the land. Her hair was in a neat braid reaching the middle of her back, her skin was quite fair, and she had a face that was kind and beautiful like summer's warmth.
"Love, what would I do without you?" Alexander called back, chuckling. He'd begun walking towards her.
"Most likely starve, and freeze to death in the cold rain!" Evelyn playfully replied. "What in the heavens are you doing out here, anyway?"
"I can't explain it, darling." said Alexander. When he reached his wife, he wrapped an arm around her waist, pulled her in close, then closed his eyes and kissed her soft, cold lips. "Come, let's go inside and light a fire. I didn't realize how chilly it was out here."

© 2018 Erudite


Author's Note

Erudite
Please let me know what you think! :)

My Review

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Featured Review

Let me start off by saying thank you for sharing your work with the community. It’s a little hard to gauge your story by a single paragraph, but here is my opinion. Overall, I think it’s a good start. As a reader I find it compelling. I’m curious as to what has been calling to Alexander. Based on this excerpt the story seems opened ended and I actually want to know what direction you’re looking to take it. Personally, I would rephrase a few things, but each writer has their own writing style. An example of this is the part where you wrote, “a burly young man.” I would have woven that into the sentence differently to better describe is physique. In my opinion it ends the sentence rather flat, but that’s just a little criticism. You have a good start to a story and I encourage you finish writing your story and get it published.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Erudite

6 Years Ago

Thanks man, I'll look it over and redraft it. My plan is to take it slow, and make sure each page is.. read more
Brandon Adams

6 Years Ago

No problem, us writers must encourage and help each other out when possible. Keep writing and take y.. read more
Erudite

6 Years Ago

Congrats on making it all the way to the last chapter, and thanks for all the encouragement, much re.. read more



Reviews

Let me start off by saying thank you for sharing your work with the community. It’s a little hard to gauge your story by a single paragraph, but here is my opinion. Overall, I think it’s a good start. As a reader I find it compelling. I’m curious as to what has been calling to Alexander. Based on this excerpt the story seems opened ended and I actually want to know what direction you’re looking to take it. Personally, I would rephrase a few things, but each writer has their own writing style. An example of this is the part where you wrote, “a burly young man.” I would have woven that into the sentence differently to better describe is physique. In my opinion it ends the sentence rather flat, but that’s just a little criticism. You have a good start to a story and I encourage you finish writing your story and get it published.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Erudite

6 Years Ago

Thanks man, I'll look it over and redraft it. My plan is to take it slow, and make sure each page is.. read more
Brandon Adams

6 Years Ago

No problem, us writers must encourage and help each other out when possible. Keep writing and take y.. read more
Erudite

6 Years Ago

Congrats on making it all the way to the last chapter, and thanks for all the encouragement, much re.. read more

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Added on March 28, 2018
Last Updated on April 1, 2018
Tags: short, story, well, written, readifyouwant

Author

Erudite
Erudite

Riverside, CA



About
Greetings, reader. Please do enjoy this music I've prepared for you, and don't be too bashful to take a peek at some of my writings. My poem titled "Ah, To Float in My Boat" is one of my personal .. more..

Writing