8675309

Poem about quitting smoking & love.

You find me and whisper,

that we need to talk.

I'm scared,

but I'm ready,

unsure where to start.

Your voice is so shaky,

and I hear your pain,

but you bravely start talking,

so I do the same.

You're sorry,

you tell me,

for lying to me.

You haven't quit smoking,

like everyone thinks.

I hold you,

and rock you,

and cry some myself,

but I can't be angry,

you just need some help.

I love you,

I say,

everything will be fine.

I'll always be yours,

and you'll always be mine.

Author's Note

Again, I'm super new at this so I appreciate feedback! I don't mind criticism or negative opinions, just try not to be mean about it if possible? Thanks guys!

Reviews

[Hannah Jocks]

This was an interesting, full of emotion poem. This poem was very flowing and well written. I truly likes it. It had a nice rythm that i love. Great job! Although it was a great poem, it was like a "statement" It was what i call a "story poem" A poem that told a story. Which are nice but in my personal opinion i like "metaphor poetry" But this was still great.

[Shian]

A really nice flow and raw personal feeling to this piece, maybe some repetion throughout may help bind it all together (but thats only a minor point). really well done.

[ni ni]

I really liked this! I liked the way it just kind of went on and I didnt have to go back and reread it to try and figure it out. It made sense and had true meaning behind it. I can also relate with my mom to this, so I really enjoyed this! Good job!(:

[Jem Sagcal]

This is so sweet.

I loved every word from every line. I'm sure a lot of people can relate to this poem.

This was absolutely lovely.

[fiery-san]

It's simple and to the point. I myself am a fan of this style because despite its simplicity it could give you a nice dramatic touch but I think you need a bit of purple prose in it because it got a bit fragmented and a bit rushed for some reason. But it's quite good, it has a nice story to tell.

May I ask for the meaning of the title? I know some may not get it but is there a personal meaning behind this? I'm quite curious. ^_^

[Hannah Messer]

I agree, it does feel somewhat rushed. I'll have to think about that a bit.
As for the title, you were right. It does have some personal meaning. I wasn't sure what to name it because I really didn't want to name it after the person directly, but I wanted it to subtly be there. Her name is Jenny so that was the first thing that came to mind. But I am definitely open to other suggestions, if anyone has any.

[fiery-san]

Hm... suggestion for the title? Personally, I don't think it's my place to suggest anything because you as the author has the full right to think of a name for your poem... you know the poem more than anyone else in the world and therefore should be able to give it a title that truly fits its meaning. ^_^

[ksreetz]

Smoking and love; can relate to both. Another example of your simple and direct expression - keep it up.

[J. F. Charleston]

Quite a good one, but I don't really think the name "8675309" works for it though. I'm sorry for say'n it, but it kinda confused me. It make me think it was something like the song. Really is a good piece.

[Hannah Messer]

Yeah, I had trouble with a title because I didn't want it to be very obvious. But the person in question's name happens to be Jenny, so...any other suggestions without flat out naming it after her?

[J. F. Charleston]

Im not so sure if ive got any good sugestions for the title...

[Hannah Jocks]

BTW i am really bad at making negative opinions or constructive critism in a nice way. idk thats just me. Like i mean to be nice and not be mean so if i ever give my opinion in a way that seems rude or hurtful please feel free to let me know and know that i dont mean to sound mean. Thanks(:

[Hannah Messer]

Aw, I don't think you've sounded mean at all!

[Hannah Jocks]

Okay(: good! haha Thanks