December 27, 2010

Ahhh... The insecurities of girls... Or at least mine... Guys, if you reeeeally wanna know...

Dear World,
 
I'm so sick of feelings. It's like I can't seem to keep them all inside of me anymore. I feel like screaming at everybody exactly how I feel. But that's really why I started doing this Dear World thing... So I have someplace to just rant and vent without people knowing my name or where I'm from. 

The fact that I've never really had someplace to go with my feelings irritates me. The fact that I really don't know if anyone ever feels the same way about anything I do, irritates me. The fact that I never mention when someone hurts my feelings irritates me.  The fact that I have NOTHING figured out irritates me. The fact that I feel like I over-exaggerate and over-think EVERYTHING irritates the HELL out of me.

There's this girl. She used to be Tumbleweed's best friend. That's what he says. I don't really know why this bothers me. She's beautiful. And talented. And everybody knows it. I'm so jealous of her it makes me feel stupid. I find myself listing off all the things that I can do that SHE can't..... There's not many.

I'm so insecure it's ridiculous. I look in my mirror and all I see is a lazy little girl who wants to be someone else but refuses to change just so she doesn't become like everybody else. Makes sense doesn't it? No. Of course it doesn't.

I weighed myself a couple days ago. Turns out I lost some weight. I now weigh about 124 pounds. As happy as this makes me, I still want to lose more. That thought actually scares me. The fact that I now make sure to avoid a lot of sugar because I'm afraid I'll break out and then look "ugly" to dear Mr. Tumbleweed scares me. I don't want to change just to please other people. Heck. I even started working out more just because he makes these little comments about how "hot" he thinks "toned" girls are. I don't think I should change myself for other people. I should change for me. Why am I so weird?

Gah. If he EVER saw this, I'm not sure what would happen. He'd probably disown me or something of that silly nature. Not that he'd actually recogonize any of this... There's plenty other people in this world isn't there???

He scares me. I almost don't understand why. He's just a silly BOY. I fuss in front of my mirror for much longer than needed because of him. I spend time wishing I looked more like his best friend. Or that I was as talented as her. It's a waste of time. Really, it is. I just. Can't. Stop.

I feel like I've been dancing and evading the thought of him and me, but it really never leaves my mind. What am to him? What is he to me? What ARE we? I've been patient. I've been sensitive to his problems and his needs for space and time. The fact that we're not anything official bothers me.

He made a comment the other day about that. "It's not that I have a commitment issue. The only reason is that if a hot girl asks if I have a girlfriend I can honestly say no." Then he laughed a little. "I guess that really is a commitment issue, isn't it?" Yah. Yah, I think it is.

I should've said, "You know? I'm really not okay with that." But did I? Nope. I just didn't say ANYTHING! It's pathetic. I need to stand up for myself. I really do.  I need to put down boundaries. I can't just lay down on the floor and let him walk all over me.

The truth is, that as much as I HATE to admit to myself, I've liked this stupid kid for over a whole year. More than that, I'm pretty sure. I've wasted so much time and lost so much sleep over him, it really is pathetic. Like REALLY PATHETIC. Can you hear myself mentally beating myself up? 'Cause that's exactly what I'm doing. And now that I finally have his attention, I really don't know what to do. It's not that he's suddenly a different person, it's that he's SUCH a different person. He's like no one I know. It's not a bad thing, but it confuses the Hell out of me.

I keep asking myself why I actually like him. And you know what? I can't come up with ANYTHING he's really done that I SHOULD like him FOR. He challenges me. I'm a shy person, he makes me step out of my comfort zone. He's not a Brad Pitt, but I think he's beautiful. He's constantly moody and switches from happy, to depressed, to angry, to hyper in a blink of the eye. But even though it makes me feel horrible when he's in a bad mood, I put up with it because I really do care. I don't trust him at all, but I believe every word he says. He lectures me on everything, I've learned to always have access to Google.com when I text him just so I know what he's talking about sometimes. I love the words he constantly spells wrong, like "olny". He's really smart and sometimes I feel like he makes me feel stupid on purpose. I feel like killing him when he mentions girls he thinks are pretty just because he knows it bothers me. He's a huge flirt. He calls people mean names like fat, ugly, and stupid just to be funny. (I really HATE those words) He talks about sex constantly, not that I really mind that. What I DO mind is him telling me stuff he's done.

Me: "Hey, guess what! I bought jeggings!"

Him: "Ooh. I've taken those off with my teeth before. Wanna see?"

Me: "I don't think I'll show them to you..."

He didn't get that... At all...

So there's a list. Sometimes I think I should just be done with him and save myself the trouble... But I think I'm gonna let this play out and see where it goes. It might get better... But then, I may just be a stupid little girl.

Love,
Me

Author's Note

Comments are loved. xD

Reviews

[Allyson]

o_O the guy you're talking about kind of sounds like a creep in my opinnion. Great writing though, enjoyed reading.