November 15th, 2010

Dear World,  

Relationships scare the hell out of me. There are so many reasons why and I'm not even sure half of them are valid.   Number one on my list: Trust. I have zero/zip/nada trust in the males of mankind. I'm not entirely sure why this is. Maybe it's from growing up with a father who ruled his household with fear. Maybe it's from being terrified of being yelled at, or slapped, or picked up and slammed into the time-out chair, and more often, getting spanked with the wooden spoon. I know that these most definitely are not as bad as some things other kids go through, but I can still remember the smell of my dad's angry breath in my face. And, oh, the spoons. My father broke so many wooden spoons...  

Yes, I have an issue with trust. It's not just that, though. I'm also afraid of commitment, to some small degree. It's not that I have trouble being loyal. On the contrary, I am a generally very loyal person. It's just the thought of being in a partnership with somone that could emotionally hurt me. What if I screw up? What if I say something wrong and they decide I'm just not worth it?  

Then there's all the other minor insecureties. What if I'm not pretty enough? What if he's just using me? What if I'm not okay "down there"? What if I'm not smart/athletic/creative/etc. enough? What if he sees my skin?  

I am also well aware of how much of an awkward person I am. I never know what to say and generally resort to using words like "Possibly", "Improbable", "plausible", "scenario", and saying "It's possible." or "You never know" or simply, "Okay."  

I'm usually like this until I get more comfortable around a person... Then there's no telling what will come out of my mouth next.  

I'm always afraid of what guys think. Actually, I'm just afraid of the one. I tried explaining to him once that he absolutely terrifies me sometimes, but I don't think I expained it very well since he seemed to think it was due to "His over-manliness" or whatever... He's kinda an ego-maniac.  But he did apologise, whether for or not the right reason.  

I don't even really know why he scares me so much. It's like I'm afraid he's going to see all my feelings and crazy-mixed-up emotions inside and decide that I'm way to much trouble to deal with. I do try very hard not to be dramatic. Sure, I'm a girl and things happen and I do stupid stuff, but I do try. Drama is not something I'm known for, though.  

I have so little trust in this Tumbleweed guy though. I feel so silly saying that, but I really do. It's not like I've had horrible boyfriends in the past... Because I haven't... I was always the dump-er, never the dump-ee...  

It's almost like he's the first person I've actually let get close enough to me that I feel like he could just take half of me away and smash it to pieces. Gah. That sounded kinda silly. But it's the truth. I haven't even let myself get close to any guy since my reckless sophomore year, but he just keeps coming back and asking for a "second second chance". And I give it to him. Every time.  

Love,
Me