delightful dandelions in the perfect lawn of poetry

delightful dandelions in the perfect lawn of poetry

if we are too strict

or

too disciplined with our syllables

too rampant with our rhyme

too splashy or buzz drunk with 

our onomatopoeia

if we are iambic nazis 

the pentameter will break

out of the concentration camp

of campy diction

if we alliterate to such an extent

that Sally gets tired of selling seashells

by the seashore 

and forfeits her fortuitous 

frills

for a few colorfully, contextual crabs

if we rewrite to death

can we bring a poem

back to life

Do we have that Jesus power

to procure the original meaning

or will we lose the human effect

to discipline 

and strict unbecoming

will we still have a poem 

to move the readers

or just a strait jacket

jumble of lobotomized

linear thinking that

touches nothing.

erin-cilberto

7/18/24

Reviews

[Tumi]

your poem was beautifully crafted
for me to read
it talks of the writes choice of diction, figure of speech and more
twas great

[jacob erin-cilberto]

Thank you for your kind words, tumi,
j.

[Sapphus]

I am never good at policing my words, Maybe it's for the best. Amusing thoughts.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

but your words are a joy to read so who needs any stinking badges??? :)))

[apennylate]

Welp...

I like ego,
But not my own.
I enjoy the benefits of discipline,
yet exercise very little of it in my own life.

If I could but only taste what I can not eat,
see what is not there, and feel validation palpably on my skin.

Humans sure are fickle, we never know what will make us happy till it is gone.
Good thing I know this poem is an excellent remedy to my unsure thoughts.

I could not resist commenting on this one, well written, Jacob

[jacob erin-cilberto]

Oh, so fickle...the wind blows...I appreciate your review, Chase,
j.

[apennylate]

Gladly, my pleasure

[Vol]

JACOB!!!
Yes sir! And the answer is so pure and simple... Just say what you want to say, the way you talk... go back, remove every word that does not say it, and read it out loud to be sure you made sense. It's called VOICE, everybody has one, but it's like they want e e cummings instead, or even worse, Shelley's, of all people! Voice is far more important than any other convention.
Vol

[jacob erin-cilberto]

I am afraid to read it aloud...sense can be a moving target.
Each poet has a voice, unique...so let's let it happen.
j.

[AMMD]

Your questioning throughout is valid. What is best - "iambic nazis" or "a straight jacket / jumble of lobotomized / linear thinking"? Perhaps neither.

I reread Bukowski's "so you want to be a writer" last night after writing my own poem "Eden" then stumbled upon your poem this morning. I suppose we were each having some similar lines of thinking, although I tend to agree with Bukowski on the "roar". For me, it's what others call "the muse". My writing is best inspired and written authentically and not in response.

I appreciate the flow of your thoughtful lines and cleverness of word play. The final lines remind me of Faulkner's "The Sound and the Fury", which I abhor, especially given the title's initial homage. Maybe with writing there is a delicate dance between stream of consciousness trash and genuine poetic flow of guttural emotion and thought. Then there is also subjectivity of both writing and reading. What is loved by one is hated by others. Sometimes due to taste, others perhaps result from intent.

Maybe also arrogance versus connection or over elevating style for the sake and claim of it. Think Wordsworth versus Blake. I have never much liked Wordsworth simply due to his arrogance. Clearly, that is not the case for all. Blake utilizes elevated language with to me a more thoughtful and resonating motive. I also prefer the subject of his work. Subjectivity at its finest I suppose.

I like that Bukowski's poem suggests not to try to write like others, but then the best writers are often ardent readers. Appreciated your take here and enjoyed the read along with the consequent added reflection. Thank you, Jacob

[jacob erin-cilberto]

Not a fan of Faulkner's style myself.
Yes, I don't like Bukowski, but he is right...ardent readers are best writers, but they still need to find their own voice.
thank you, AMMD.
j.

[AMMD]

There's no real "roar" without a voice 🙂 You are very welcome, and I hope enjoying your weekend.

[Patricia Wedel]

dear Jacob… there are Pebbles in the Sand where Waves 🌊 splash 💦 words and Mermaids 🧜‍♀️ sing 🎶 Hallelujahs… your poetry is timeless my friend… softly, Pat

[jacob erin-cilberto]

That is a kind remark, Pat...thank you for that.
Love the pic.
j.

[Mariej]

Quite a difficult choice to make, to edit or not to edit. I something works, flows freely, good rhythm and rhyme, changing it could kill it. If a poem is 'forced', if you struggle to bend it or shape it the way you want it, I find it's best to start over again, discard the old version and create a new one. That is what words for me. Brilliant write, perfectly crafted! Thank you for sharing, Jacob...

[jacob erin-cilberto]

Thank you for your kind review, Marie,
j.

[Mariej]

Most welcome always, Jacob...

[Soren]

A dandelion dilema indeed. I have asked many of these questions before. How many times that continual reworking of a poem takes the life out of it. It is no longer a creation of emotion but now has been put up for adoption to intellect and that foster parent does not have the same parental love. Another great write Jacob.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

Yes, can we revise emotion? probably not.
thank you, Soren,
j.

[Stella Armour]

Agree with Chris' comments on this one Jacob, direct from the heart with minimum editing is usually best, those poems i have to linger longer over are never as good as the spontaneous ones...

[jacob erin-cilberto]

Thank you for your words, Stella,
j.