Box Car

Box Car

 

 

 

an old man

simple freight

his body weight

fragile bone

in the home

of his heart

 

an old man

lacks content

where it used to count

the fine mind mined

for all its gold

now a deserted claim

 

an old man

teeters then totters

see-saws what 

he used to see clearly

but his eyes jumped off the ride

now he sits with the pigeons

 

sending them little seeds of wisdom

but they sadly fly away

knowing his seeds will not sate

an old man

simple fright

slight stream of tears

 

he's now tasted his years

and as his time flies away

he's left un-sated

asking the pigeons to move over

laughingly he knows

the see-saw sees what he saw

 

and when he gets off

it becomes quiet

like its green peeling paint.

 

 

erin-cilberto

5/15/23

Reviews

[light and ashes]

I couldnt help myslef from wondering and pondering certain things while reading this, jacob..but as I do not wish to offend..
I will not ask.
You do amazing work.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

Whatever you see, Light, you see...once we allow readers to see our work...it belongs to them, not us.
thank you
j.

[light and ashes]

I think you are partly right.
You are welcome.

[Julie McCarthy (juliesp..]

Reminds me of the Simon and Garfunkel songs old friends and bookends
Love it Jacob

[jacob erin-cilberto]

They were one of my two major influences when I started writing in 1970---so I appreciate your comment, muchly.

[andrew mitchell]

Ageing a continuous fight for some and for others it's surrender . The lucky ones not impacted by old age just carry on happy to be alive.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

Yes, we carry on.
j.

[John the Baptist]

The future does look great, doesn't it?

[jacob erin-cilberto]

Yeah, fantastic...
are we both so jaded we don't believe what we are saying? it's different now.
You and I have seen enough in all of our years.
j.

[John the Baptist]

Indeed. We don't have to end up like the guy in the poem.

[Patricia Wedel]

der Jacob... 20 feet apart... we live in sunshine and rain... feeling the pain ... yet singing the tunes we heard... wanting to fly like a Snowbird to Canada. tenderly, Pat

[E.P. Robles]

Your poem titled "An Old Man" is a reflection on the challenges and poignant realities of aging.

I can only think of William Wordsworth who often explored themes of nature, introspection, and the human experience in his poetry, and this analysis will consider those aspects.

Analysis:

The poem begins with a simple yet evocative depiction of the old man's physical state: "his body weight / fragile bone / in the home / of his heart." These lines convey the frailty and vulnerability that come with old age. The metaphorical connection between his body and his heart suggests that his inner self is affected by the physical deterioration he experiences.

The second stanza highlights the diminishing content or satisfaction the old man feels in his life, particularly in comparison to his past. The phrase "where it used to count" implies that there was a time when he found fulfillment in certain aspects of life, but those sources of joy or purpose have diminished. The metaphor of a "deserted claim" alludes to abandoned mines, suggesting that the old man's once fertile mind, filled with valuable insights and experiences, now feels empty or unproductive.

The third stanza depicts the old man's struggle with his diminishing senses and perception. He "teeters then totters" and "see-saws what / he used to see clearly." This imagery conveys the physical and cognitive decline he experiences, causing him to lose his previous clarity and stability. The metaphor of sitting with pigeons reflects his sense of companionship with creatures that are often considered mundane or overlooked. It implies that the old man has found solace and connection in the simplicity of nature.

The following lines portray the old man's attempt to share his wisdom with the pigeons, symbolizing his desire to pass on his knowledge and experiences. However, the pigeons "fly away" knowing that his seeds of wisdom will not satisfy them. This could suggest a sense of futility or a realization that his wisdom may not be relevant or valued by others, emphasizing the old man's growing sense of isolation and disconnection.

The fifth stanza further explores the old man's emotional state. The phrase "simple fright / slight stream of tears" conveys a mixture of fear, vulnerability, and sorrow. The tears symbolize the emotional weight he carries, perhaps from a combination of regret, longing, and the awareness of his mortality.

The final stanza brings the poem to a poignant close. The old man acknowledges that his time is slipping away, leaving him unsatisfied or unfulfilled. He asks the pigeons to move over, humorously acknowledging their presence and his desire for company. The line "laughingly he knows / the see-saw sees what he saw" plays with the idea of the see-saw as a metaphor for life's ups and downs. The old man realizes that his perspective and understanding have been shaped by his experiences, but now that he's stepping away from the see-saw of life, everything becomes quiet and still, much like the peeling paint on a weathered surface.

Overall, this poem captures the poignant essence of aging through vivid imagery and metaphors. It explores the physical, emotional, and existential challenges faced by the old man, ultimately conveying a sense of introspection, loneliness, and the passage of time.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

Thank you.

[W. Barrett Munn]

This is quite a strong piece Jacob the word play with see and saw before the sledgehammer of melancholy and the peeling paint. Really a moving and professional write.

Winston

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your kind review, Winston,
j.

[Lorry]

I wonder if I would have made the choices in life I did if I knew how silent life could become, and the choices I made were to flee from the noise in the first place.
Now with most cut out of my life, or even knowing where I live, seems a rash choice when I think of how cut off I am from the world now, but I am now a deserted claim who knows he can never admit I may have been wrong and will no doubt talk to the pigeons, telling them why I was right in doing so. Even the pigeons will understand you don't get to pick your family.
I'll be fine, just as long as amazon deliver birdseed 😊

[jacob erin-cilberto]

Amazon is pretty reliable with their deliveries...and they often come in two days or the next day.read moreAmazon is pretty reliable with their deliveries...and they often come in two days or the next day.
The pigeons will listen.
j.

[Chris Shaw]

Great metaphor here dear J, the seesaw of life. The ups and downs. Especially the downs that can come with old age. When you are down it can be difficult to get off the ground. This playground scene is sad with its peeling paint and even the pigeons won’t co-operate. Old age sucks at times. This poem weighs heavy.

Chris

[jacob erin-cilberto]

Thank you for your words, Chris.
j.