slipping past midnight

slipping past midnight

 

 

i spilled my dreams 

all over your blue dress,

and you became Cinderella

wondering why your prince

was so clumsy,

and full of shortcomings

and why the clock ticked toward midnight

 

and you couldn't wait for the carriage to turn back into a pumpkin

and the horses heads to lean toward eternity

because you felt being with me was an eternity

on earth,

 

and then you picked up your broom

to sweep me away,

 

not realizing you had swept me 

totally off of my feet

 

and that you had left my glass heart

in the carriage,

 

so that i could never retrieve it

in this fairy tale life

 

that has no ending.

 

 

 

erin-cilberto

7/11/16

Reviews

[ranscan]

Loved the title, it has the feel of a song hook in it. A unique adaptation of the story, excellent pacing and development of the theme. One small point, the use of eternity to end two lines in a row, I have read enough of your work to know you are purposeful in word choice, can I ask why?
I applaud the glass heart reference.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

that was purposeful...a reference towards Emily Dickinson's "because i could not stop for death" and then a current reference to it based on the relationship---

thank you for your kind words...
j.

[JenniferMarie]

Love this. So many things about it.

"You became Cinderella
wondering why your prince
was so clumsy"

I liked this because we sometimes have these expectations instead of recognizing the beauty of who this person truly is. Seeing people for who they are.


So many wonderful images here:

"Then you picked up your broom and swept me away."

Great image and I felt that.

the glass heart.

Well written and very enjoyable write.

best regards,
Jennifer

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your kind review, Jennifer...

j.

[Patricia Wedel]

My favorite line... "and that you had
left my glass heart in the carriage"...
Wow!!! ...a whole new version...
searching the Kingdom for the
young lady who held your heart.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

in a way, she still has it, and always will

j.

[Patricia Wedel]

dear Jacob, I love your version of Cinderella...
It reminds me of a date in my twenties when
I was taken to a Bar with a band that played Jazz.
I really felt the passion, since the songs were from
the Play, "My Fair Lady".
It formed my appreciation for Jazz.
Very creative writing... truly, Pat

[jacob erin-cilberto]

"oh ho ho Henry Higgins, just you wait!"

love the songs from that musical--"all i want is a room somewhere far away from the cold night air"

thank you, Pat.

[Celie Rose]

Enjoyed reading your poem.
"and then you picked up your broom
to sweep me away,
not realizing you had swept me
totally off of my feet."
Bitter sweet ending.
Well expressed and written.
Keep up the good work!

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your kind words, Celie.

j.

[Pryde Foltz]

Damn Disney ... Forget the Prince ... I would take a pumpkin at the moment. Clever and glorious, as always:)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your words, Pryde...

j.

i would probably end up with Squash.

[Pryde Foltz]

Squash is good too ... you spaghetti with one in particular:)

[H.L. Cerveise]

I enjoyed this poem because sometimes as I think another reviewer said it is good to see the other side of a fairy tale. The brokenness that happens when there is not a "happily ever after" to the story.

Well done.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your kind words, H.L.

j.

[sL]

My eyes have welled up. I never meant to, but I may have become a Cinderella. And you're right, I feel terrified of spending eternity on earth. Thank you for making me think from his perspective.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your words, Stephanie.

j.

[Coyote Poetry]

A wonderful and hopeful tale in the poetry.
"not realizing you had swept me
totally off of my feet"
When some one make us dream and wish. We are doomed to love them forever. Thank you Jacob for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your kind words, Coyote ...

j.

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome my friend.

[Marcus Sergiu David]

I find this to be a poem filled with irony, and I love it. I enjoyed how what I felt changed slightly (but surely) with every stanza. Great work :)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your kind words, Marcus.

j.