Rewrites and Second Chances

Inspired by Shabeeh's title and words of his poem..."Woman in Transition"

 

Rewrites and Second Chances

 

 

 

 

a woman in transition

is a woman in translation

from a language we used to understand

that now is foreign and indecipherable

 

wondering what went wrong

is a transfusion without the blood

of passion,

 

dispassionate tubes attached to a bliss in Coma

eyes shut tight, but lids with movement

underneath the facade,

she wants to get away but isn't sure why

 

and it causes our heart to want to pull the plug

and cast our emotional fate to the chance

 

she might wake up,

in a new paragraph of feeling

one that beats in breezy understanding

 

and brings back to life

the old theme

that once resonated

when the organization of us

was a perfectly written essay

 

of love.

 

 

 

 

erin-cilberto

5/14/16

Reviews

[Will White]

Very good piece. The title, however, is just a bit misleading as you don't speak of rewrites at all, only of the essay and the writing. Just a suggestion.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

that is included in the new paragraph part and this more about rewriting her life, and giving herself a second chance---but i do appreciate your suggestion...and will consider...

j.

[iand63]

Some transpositions are less desirable than others, yet change has become a compulsory imposition on humanity. "Change or die!" The battle cry of the new snaked oil merchants. Nice one Mr J

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your kind words, ian.

j.

[Einstein Noodle]

tough stuff to be in love .... sometimes :( it just doesn't work out ... i enjoyed the language and metaphors galore! :)
E.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your kind words, E.

j.

[...]

Menopause...??? lol Who knows, Jacob. Much of life and living is a guessing game. Things change, people change. Sometimes they go through it pretending they know themselves and what they want when they really don't. Sometimes people will be unsatisfied their whole life no matter who they are with and it really has nothing to do with the other person (s) they are with. People need to be more honest and responsible with themselves and others...

[jacob erin-cilberto]

i absolutely agree with you...on all you said....thank you for your insights, lynn.

j.

[Daisie Vergara (Dhaye)]

When we want something to be reborn, we want to regain it's natural and original features, but usually it doesn't happen to people. Rewriting the story of our own life means accepting changes.
Another excellent piece, sir. Thanks for the share.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

and thank you for your kind words, once again, Dhaye...

you are always so supportive and encouraging.

j.

[Matching Socks]

Love this, transitions are important. Part of growth.
But sometimes those transitions change the relationship.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

yes, sometimes they do, Ana.

thank you,

j.

[W.k.kortas]

"(A) transfusion of without the blood/of passion"...ah, now there's a line.

I read once where there are no great writers, just great revisers. Perhaps that goes for relationships as well, eh?

[jacob erin-cilberto]

wow, that is a thought...thank you, W.k.

j.

[Fabian Franco]

"a woman in transition

is a woman in translation

from a language we used to understand

that now is foreign and indecipherable"

This is what I call swinging right out of the gate wow!

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your kind comment, Fabian.
j.

[Pryde Foltz]

wondering what went wrong
is a transfusion without the blood
of passion,

Some blow your mind lines in this, Jacob. Bravo:)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your kind review, Pryde.
j.

[V]

The imagery is very well-crafted and creative. I think the writing underwent a certain change, sort of twist after the first stanza, intensifying the ultimate scenery. Your last words, as always, possess this special kind of trailing into thoughtfulness but put straight nonetheless. A great way of writing.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your kind words, Vanessa,

j.

[V]

Anytime. :)