not available in stores

not available in stores

 

 

when you offered me your love

for a coupon

i was out to lunch,

so you clipped my heart out of your paper impression

 

when i finally realized what i had

time ran out

and you were no longer a participating lover

so i paid the full price

 

 

lonely white paper

empty of sentiment.

 

 

 

erin-cilberto

3/20/16

Reviews

[Nisreen]

oh my
well that sucks

i love how you come up with these ideas

very witty

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you, Nisreen...

j.

[Alfred Kukitz]

Have I got a deal for you buddy. Come bring your fool and by paying me I'll save you big, big on the girl of your dreams. No coupons needed!

What are you waiting for Jacob?

Regards,
Al

[jacob erin-cilberto]

ha ha...you're too funny Al...and there is a sucker born every minute...

j.

[andrew mitchell]

how you made love look so dispensable in this excellent write. just a brilliant concept. my kinda poem.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your kind review, andrew,
j.

[.]

Another extremely precise and well written poem, Jacob.
I love the concept behind it. Love for a coupon. A brilliant metaphor used here.

The say that love blinds us. It is very true. Unfortunately sometimes that blindness costs us the one we love, yet never fully appreciated in all those critical moments.

Another inspired piece of writing, from the remnants of a broken heart. Nicely done.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your kind words, Doodley...

j.

[V]

You and your way with words. Interesting, unique, playful use of words. The last two lines really convey a feeling of sadness, emptiness, emotionally dull in a way. A diverting read.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your kind review, Vanessa.
j.

[Capaneus]

great concept and truth behind the piece, miss your chance and it's gone:/. ya rushed it though bro, fun concepts deserve more work.

coupons expire for one, not run out.

you're messing up the metaphor. seems she should offer love on a coupon, not for

I think "and I paid the full price" flows better.

titles a bit disjointed, perhaps,"no longer in-store" or "undiscounted"
mainly I think it should be longer and more. your wit is obvious and the concept is rich. carried through fully this could be a great poem with MF'er insights and humor

[jacob erin-cilberto]

yes, it expired...because time ran out...not the coupon...and the love is in exchange for the coupon....but i appreciate your honest critique..and will revisit..

j.

[Capaneus]

Loved the concept. heard of love for sale, but never on sale :P

[Adam Adams]

Ha!
not sure should i laugh at what u just come up with or... just keep laughing at, oh hell yeah, whatever u just bleed in. Excellent. Loved the combination of love as paper. Even love is itself more like a blank sheet that's meant to be written but with an ink of... heart. That's deep! Ending is brilliant. I must save this write!

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your kind review, Vortex...

j.

[dan]

jacob, Sometimes love is offered but one is unsure and drags one's feet; when the right minded considerations are eventually heeded the magic moment has passed and one is left empty handed, bemoaning the fact that one is left to twist in the wind of uncertainty, sorry for the missed connection. A potential beautiful love lost to bad timing.
A very strong emotional piece, jacob...very well done. take care...dan

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your insightful comments, dan.

j.

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

Ah, yes...some of those coupons do have an expiration date. I love the way you wrote this. An offer of substance offered at the wrong time in our lives perhaps. You capture the experience in a unique way that hits hard. Love the way you end it...so lonely, empty as if one is staring at that paper. You do have a way, my friend!

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your kind review, Shimmerliss...

j.

[Lydia Shutter]

Wholesale love? Not sure there is ever an effective time period for that! Of course, "paying full price" is not worth it if the sentiment is not there. The last two lines say so much. Good one. Lydi**

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you Lydi...appreciate your visits muchly.

j.