This is in no way mocking Twilight

nor is it me projecting myself onto the main character. at all. including the asian fetish.

Enter Eric Milo, a lanky, shy college student. He currently works as a post hole digger where he helps place the long cedar posts into the deep holes he makes. His last job involved getting his rocks off at a rock quarry. He was assigned one section of the quarry where it was his duty to pick up all the rocks and get them off the quarry. He liked this job because he could keep to himself and it gave him time to think. He was fired for masturbating. Eric has no real motivation to move up in the world, career-wise, because no one will hire an English major in this economy anyway, which is the major he's working toward at Iowa University. Eric doesn't mind the menial work with meager pay; he doesn't leave his dorm, nor does he have a significant other to adorn with his wealth that he's been storing up. What he wants is to find a girlfriend. It's really hard for him, though, because he's socially awkward and his hairy legs make him self conscious.

…

This is Eric's first date. His friend, Ashley, set him up because she knows he wants a girlfriend. Eric's date isn't ugly, but she isn't good looking either (by Eric's standards). He knows it isn't going to go anywhere. He knows he shouldn't be shallow--especially considering his own looks--but it's just something that can't be helped. He dreams that one day his assertive damsel with a more contemporary gender role will sweep him off his feet. Anyway, he takes his date to Longhorn Steakhouse; rather, his date takes him there, for Eric does not have a license.

“Hello, I'm Kim Nguyen and I'll be your waitress. What can I get you to drink?"

“I'll have a water,” Eric said abruptly and awkwardly. Eric's date might think this is cheap of him, but lately only water has been able to quench his thirst.

“What about you, Eric's date?”

“I'll have a margarita, thanks,” she said very confidently, as if she has been ordering all her life.

As Kim was taking his date's order, Eric couldn't help but noticing something below Kim's neck but above her stomach. Perpetual coldness must surround her; it is plenty warm inside of this restaurant, but the apex of both her bosoms suggest otherwise. Eric, being the gentleman he is, also noticed what was above her neck as well. Her skin is deceptively white for someone who I presume to be Vietnamese thought Eric. His hands began to get clammy as always, so he casually wiped them on his torso, as if he were outlining his slightly pronounced pectorals that he noticed the week earlier.

Shortly after, Kim came back and interrupted the awkward silence between Eric and his date.

“Ok ready to order?”

“Yes, I'd like a steak, medium good done,” said Eric.

“You mean well, sir.”

“No, good.”

Kim the waitress responds with a blank stare.

"Listen, sweetheart, I'm an English major, so I can discern when to use 'well' and 'good.' Don't be embarrassed, I have to correct everyone.. just see what my date wants, please.”

Before taking her eyes off of Eric, Kim notices the math worksheet Eric had been working on to pass the time, as well as his class.

“Oh, let me see!” Kim says ecstatically. She finishes all the problems in about two minutes.

“Woah, thanks waitress!”
“No problem, I have to help everyone with their math homework,” she retorts.

Kim then takes Eric's date's order of a we..good done steak and swiftly leaves them.

Eric thought in stunned silence: Wh-who is this woman?

Ten minutes later Kim comes back with their steaks. Both steaks were not medium good done: they were both rare, which did not sit good with Eric. In fact, the steaks looked as though they were bleeding.

“Um.. these are undercooked.. I think,” said Eric shyly.

“I thought you'd like that instead.”

“Ew, I'm not eating this,” says Eric's date snobbishly.

Kim Nguyen the waitress responds by putting her grossly undercooked meat in her mouth and sucking out the blood, ringing it out so that she may slurp every drop from every pore.

The apparent coldness.. the pallor of her skin..her supernatural math solving ability.. and now the bloody steak. Eric's lip began to quiver with fear and excitement.

“Say it!” demanded the super hot Asian waitress, while still using her inside voice (she did not want to get fired).

“Vampire,” said Eric.

By now Eric's date has left with her car because she got fed up with Eric's awkwardness, I guess.

After Kim's shift is done she takes him to her place.

...

She takes off Eric's pants.

“I knew it!” she exclaimed. “You're a werewolf. I smelled it on you right when you walked through Longhorn's."

Eric blushes and says, “No.. my legs are just abnormally hairy.. I'm not a werewolf.”

Suddenly a full moon appears!

“ARGHHH!” yells Eric as he changes into a muscular werewolf.

The muscles have now ripped off all of Eric's clothing, revealing a peculiar erect phallus. His werewolf phallus was similar to a dog's dick -- smooth and lacking definition, yet not nearly as gross as one. Imagine two bare hotdogs taped together, end on end, with Scotch tape (the most transparent of tapes).

The werewolf and the hot Asian vampire waitress have a passionate love making session that lasts for four minutes.

“Don't forget to drink water, Eric!”

“How'd you know I was thirsty?” inquired Eric.

“All werewolves must drink lots of water, for the only sweat glands they have are on their feet and hands.”

“THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING!” shouts Eric in ecstasy.

Author's Note

Writer's note: This is just a brief summary of the first few chapters of the novel, to discourage copyright infringement. The poor writing and format are also to deter word thieves!

Reviews

[Alicante lullaby]

ha,nice,,infact,i loved it,,,cute mockery of twilight,,,,and very witty,,,,dont mind the quality of review,,,it serves to hamper the efforts of review thieves,if there happen to be any,,,