Feeling: Day 1

Feeling: Day 1

That’s what you get. When I caught myself. Build your fences, set restrictions. Yadda yadda. So I’m trying this new thing where I feel things, I allow myself to feel when I want, where I want, etc.

But it’s hard. I never realized I had such a problem with feelings. It’s not even as though I didn’t know they were there… I just shove them down, stomp, push… you get the idea.

Well, here I am. Feeling. Feeling at the moment: sad, frustrated, restless, discontentment, alone.

Yikes. That looks super depressing when I write it down, but I promised myself I’d be real about how I’m feeling so here I am. Maybe it just has to do with the fact that finals are next week and the stress level of the impending climatic doom of the end of the year brings up conditioned feelings similar to those above. Maybe I’m feeling lonely because I’m actually alone (or I was a moment ago until my roommate came home).

Man, this really sucks.

I don’t understand what the appeal is of feeling. It’s so distracting, I can’t even sit myself down to study, that why I started writing in the first place. Okay so I’m going to be honest with you, I know why I’m feeling this way. That’s why I don’t want to feel it.

I heard a quote from this anime I used to watch in middle school called “This Ugly Yet Beautiful World” (yikes that’s like a perfect description for feelings) that feelings are like ice cream. You can try to make them stay put but that usually does more harm than good.

Well I say that’s a load of BS. That’s why you don’t eat ice cream in a cone- you eat in a bowl with a spoon.

Sorry, I just still am having a hard time seeing the benefits of letting myself feel. And okay to be totally honest with you, I’m feeling this way because I dared, I actually dared to allow myself to feel for someone else. Still trying to shove that ice cream back into the bowl… but I let myself feel.

Despite what other people said, despite that logically it made no sense since the school year is basically over, since faith wise it probably isn’t the smartest decision and completely disregarding the voice in my head that’s saying “Now is not the time for a relationship”.

But I couldn’t resist- or at least I thought so. That’s what you get… it keeps playing in my mind. I let myself feel and look at me? I’m writing about my feelings to the abstract world of letters and paper. Besides that, I decided why not? What do I have to lose? I think he’s a cool guy, I’m going to let myself feel. I want to, trust me I really do. But I can’t. Something is holding me back. I can’t let my heart pour itself out, nothing will come no matter how much I like him.

I play it off like it’s chill, no biggie, no worries, it’s fine. Doesn’t matter if he likes me or not, I’m going to keep moving. I have a life to live, I’m going to keep living it- doesn’t make a difference if he’s along the ride or not. It’s all good.

Something I didn’t realize before was maybe I don’t know how to feel anymore.

When I was a kid, I used to take strong stances on everything. I either hated something or I loved it. I hated country music and Hannah Montana. I loved Harry Potter (still do) and truly believed that global warming didn’t exist. I fought my friends when they told me Jesus didn’t exist. I stood up for what I loved or hated. I had passion for my feelings.

And now, I’m just kind of fluid fluff. I’m afraid to be passionate about what I feel. And maybe it has a little to do with growing older and accepting that there are many good view points. But now it’s like, I’m afraid to put myself out there for anything because I know there’s a chance I could be wrong and people will think I’m dumb or ignorant. I’m afraid to really allow myself to like someone because I know what the game score is and that I’m the captain of the losing team.

I’m not sure how this happened. It makes me kind of sad thinking about it now. What happened to me? I used to really feel and be alive about life or at least about making decisions in life. Now I just sort of wander around… well, I know for sure that I’m no longer the passionate child I once was.

I really hate to do this, but I think it might help me process.

Noah- didn’t kiss black girls (2005)

Jaison- cut off cold turkey (2010)

Steve- probably didn’t even think about it (2010)

Nathan- wasn’t the “right” man (2014)

Josiah- not even a chance (2015)

Matt- ???? TBD (2016)

That’s chronologically the men I’ve liked and the perceived or proclaimed reason why it didn’t work out. I’m not writing this out to look at the reason they cut me off or have a pity party, but rather the scale of which I allowed myself to care for them. If you were to look at this list and guess which one had and still has the most impact on my heart, I’m almost 100% certain you wouldn’t get it right. Actually you might since I prefaced this with my earlier statements, but my dreams and thoughts aren’t preoccupied with Steve or Josiah, not even Matt- the tug of war with my heart is with Noah. Why? That was literally over ten years ago. Because when I was 10 years old, feelings weren’t locked a fenced off, tightly concealed room, they were a part of who I was.

I wasn’t afraid to fully feel. And I know it seems like all I’m talking about is romantic feelings, but it’s so much more than that. I used to be called a hot head because I would get so angry and explosive. I threw a rock at my brother’s head for goodness sakes. More than love and what not, I felt every emotion so deeply and I marveled in it. I wasn’t afraid to get angry when I was angry, be afraid when I was fearful or cry when I wanted to (that actually changed pretty quickly too- now I scramble around looking for safe places to cry where no one can see me). The point is, my feelings were free and inhibited when I was child, and now?

Now I’ve put up fences, walls, locks, seals, you name it. I’ve bordered my feelings up so much that I can’t even access them myself. Why am I so afraid? Am I sure I want to break down the walls and fences?-

Do I even know how?