This Time

*see beginning of poem

I wrote this after my mom told me she had news to tell me about her and her boyfriend. Like a conditioned animal, my heart was struck with fear. What will be the new level of "normal" I have to adjust to? But I didn't let the fear prevail this time. This time, I remembered the promises of God and I will trust in his goodness and mercy. This time, I will fix my eyes upon the love and faithfulness of the Lord:

This Time

I’m afraid. I remember this fear.

It cripples my heart, like a gnawing headache smothering my brain until I can’t think anymore.

The fear that cowards in the light and parades in the night as king.

I remember that.

He’s back again, knocking, scratching, slithering into my house again.

Why do snakes slither?

Is it to sneak past the guards of my mind?

Past the point of bribery, the snakes inch by inch crawl through when the guards are looking away.

I’m not sure what distracts them, but they look away.

The snake finds an opening and sinks his cold, sickening teeth in.

And so the fear beings-

thepoisonthenaggingtheparalysisthegraspingforairandlife-

but I am not ruled by the snakes that slither and sneak and slide into my mind.

Not this time.

I remember them I do.

I know their scent, their changing forms, deceptive smiles.

I remember them I do-

but I am not ruled by the snakes that slither and sneak and slide into my mind.

Not this time.

This time, the guards are looking.

They are watchful in this moment, fixing their eyes on the king of the light, the ruler of all.

They are listening, abiding, obeying and resting.

The soft, still voice sweetly trickling through every door, in every part.

Healing, restoring, trusting.  

The richest of understanding and purest of love.

Abounding in love and forgiveness- reaching to the highest skies and highest heavens-

the soft voice overcomes with a warm embrace.

The snakes cannot slither through a golden fortress, built on the  unshakable foundations

of innocent blood and unending grace.

The guards do not fear, their eyes are upon one much higher.

This time, the snakes cannot enter.

This time, the guards do not look away.

This time, I am not afraid.