The Problem is You Start Wondering

Fresh out of my mind. Literally. Sorry, it's somewhat stream of consciousness but what can you do.

The problem is you start wondering.

You always start to wonder.

How could you not?

Somanypicturesvacationsstorieslaughstearsjokesideascarridesshowsadventures.

WHAT.

What was it all for?

Don’t sit there and tell me it was a lie.

A mangled, tangled, dirty, rotten lie- because it WASN’T.

There’s no actor great enough, no sly smile or great bag of tricks.

Fake is an unheard word in this people, no it was REAL.

Forget the foggy, cloudy, high invested memories-

those things are crystal CLEAR. And they haunt me.

They do.

They live and breathe and walk and scream in the hallways of my mind.

They sit on the couches, pull up the foot rest and have a cuppa tea.

They have a freaking tea party, people don’t you get it?

No, I don’t believe you can. Not until you’ve cried-felt-hurt-wished-

wrenched your SOUL

twisted and turned the life and happiness to the point of squeezed, dried, and limp.

It’s insane and I’m sitting here. Letting those memories have a fresh cup of tea with sugar.

They sit and they talk. They sit and they whine. They sit together at wooden tables and eat Portobello mushroom burgers. They watch movies and laugh. They take trips and walks and vacations. They read stories. They say goodnight and good morning. They sit.

What’s that?

Sure, you’re invited, why not? They invite themselves.

Make yourself at home, it happens all the time.

I know you’re thinking, I should charge them; just like a BNB.

but NO they charge ME.

They charge me. I’m not sure you understand, do you?

THEY CHARGE ME.

These things walk around and scrap away the walls of my memory, dig up treasure in the backyard, taunt me with jealously, sadness and fairness. They stick these pictures and balls and videos of my mind straight into my FACE. And do you know what they do?

THEY LAUGH.

They pretend as if it’s okay, as if the flaming, burning ashes in my heart could handle a tiny little match!

HAHA they cackle through their crooked, foul, nasty, devilish teeth- we’re staying, we’re staying forever. You can’t run, you can’t- we have our spot on the couch. In the big room. Down the hill. In the office. In the garage.

They walk around, day and night and morning and evening, tormenting my heart into teeny tiny shriveled up shreds.

 And it’s not fair, but since when did fair become real.

No, I can’t argue that. I was never promised fair, who was?

No- the big finger sways back and forth, echoes of no’s permeate the very crevices of my soul.

I’m angry, give in. Sad, give in. Scared, give in.

Alone? Maybe not.

Was it real?

How could it not.

Was it real?
The warm, calm peace comfort- yes.

It was real. I was there. I was there.

It was real, I can tell you I was there.

THEY weren’t.

But the problem is

you always start wondering.