My Rehabilitation

An attempt to uncover personal history, retell the story in my head with the minimum of lies. An attempt at truth from a serial liar

As a child I was always fantasizing that I was a god. I thought I had the power to change the fate of the world. And the purpose of my life was to tap into that power. I was even a religious fanatic. Selfishly praying to the gods to unlock those hidden abilities, just so that I could see the world clearly, see the past and future to figure out the grand scheme of things. In the meanwhile sorrows kept piling up in my life, distracting me from my true ambition. The more the sorrows piled up, the more I fantasized what would I do with my powers if I had them, instead of thinking about ways to gain that power. Television just fed of those fantasies and most of my time went in doing things that were just driving me more and more apart from the things I actually needed to do.

As I grew old the list of vices eating up my time also grew. I think by then I was too far adrift from being a prodigy and my goals of taking charge of my fate had already taken a hit so bad that any sort of recovery would have been a miracle. But recovery did happen.  I was forced into a bird cage. The cage was made of gold but the room it was hung in witnessed truly ugly scenes. The person inside me died everyday and everyday a new creature, as ugly as the scenes I had witnessed, started taking his place day by day, step by step.  As the bird in the cage grew old it grew to be more evil and as it became more evil, the bird got more and more scared. The bird was scared that if anyone realized how evil it was, it would be shot down. So the fear made him work hard on maintaining appearances. So that is how I started reading. Most of the time I would place the book in front of me and slip into my fantasy world. But there were times when I would catch a glimpse of the page and grab an idea or two. And slowly those ideas started scratching the layers of rust that had deposited on my goal of becoming god. And somehow science seemed to explain things around me and I truly felt powerful. From then on I vowed that my life’s only goal was to know everything that science had to offer.

 There was one problem- damaged and disease ridden body and mind. Tools that I needed to tap into this wealth had been taught long before my realization came. To gain every bit of information I had to put in a huge effort and that meant that my willpower and self control depleted quickly and I gave in to my vices much easily. But continuous effort and great mentors helped me climb one substantial step that otherwise would not have been impossible.

At the time I entered college I was a damaged person almost beyond repair. My only true option at revival was science. But instead I resorted to lie, as the evil inside was too great. Far from the protection of the golden cage I started slaughtering myself. I finally realized why the cage was there in the first place, not to save me from predatory ugly world that existed outside but to save me from myself. Evil inside me was no one else’s but my own greatest enemy.

I sometimes think that I drank so much alcohol and smoked so much weed because although I lost my grip on reality, the evils grip loosened on me. I never count my drunken experiences among the best moments because they were just, more or less, moments of respite. Little did I care that with every sip and puff I was just losing what little control I had left over my miserable life. Suddenly I was just hanging on the edge of a cliff. One hand gripping desperately to the cliff while the rest of the body hanging in air. Now I think about it, the amount of time the hand kept the grip on the cliff was amazing and I attribute that strength to my mom.

 Just about when I had almost given up miraculously a rope appeared. I stumbled upon nature. I was astonished at the beauty that this world had to offer. I realized that I would regret slipping away without ever unraveling the beauty this world has to offer. So I gained a new perspective and a purpose for this life. The more you read, the more you unravel, the more beautiful this world becomes. Since then I have devoted my time on learning new things and can slowly, with every passing instant, feel the evil dying inside me giving me a sense of satisfaction that I had craved for all my life.

Author's Note

My aim is to write more pieces like this. I am assuming that they will be of help to some people. Please point out any kind of mistakes or error you spot. Guide me and give me suggestions on how to make my writing more truthful, fearless and more helpful to others