The Fantastic Adventures of DIRK STAMMER and TUCK WONDERGRIP "A Quiet Trip to Wondergrip" [part one]

The ongoing tale of an 'ogre' and his gnome friend, and their crazy antics and adventures.

"T-T-Tuck! They've got me in some kind of trap! I can't--" Dirk panicked, "MY LEGS, TUCK! I can't feel my legs!" A hiss of steam exhaled from the mess of pipe and gears that contained what looked to be a tiny, odd fellow. Tuck peeked down the hole that his comrade had dropped through.

"Just hold on, you insufferable twit. It's not a trap. You fell into the engine room and now I've got to climb down there and save your arse… once again. I should start charging you." Dirk's alarm didn't cease as he flailed about wildly; smashing into his breathing, hardware prison. "That doesn't explain my legs! Help!" Tuck propped himself in the hole and prepared for the fall: "One… two… You know I hate you, right?" Dirk laughed, "It was your idea to come here," he paused, "and I can see your arse." Tuck plummeted into the depths of the engine room, crashing into Dirk and prying him free, sending him further down into the churning heart of the locomotive. "Ow! Some courtesy!" Dirk grimaced, "you're not exactly soft."

"You know, Dirk, Gnomes aren't flying creatures. We burrow deep within the ground to avoid things: just like large falls. Did you know that, surface dweller?" Tuck was flushed, brushing himself off at the top of the engine. "And you couldn't see my arse, you oaf. I'm wearing pants: the trademark of a civil society. How are your legs?" Tuck crossed his arms. "My legs? My legs are fine," Dirk paused, "Oh, hey! My legs are fine. Thanks. I think I could feel them all along… I just… forgot I guess."

The Fantastic Adventures of

DIRK STAMMER and TUCK WONDERGRIP

"A Quiet Trip to Wondergrip"

part one

"So why do you want to go home, anyways? Family?" Dirk plopped down from above, landing beside his flustered companion. "Well, yes and no. Gnomes are all family, really." Dirk stepped backwards, eyes wide. Tuck noticed his shock and piped up: "Well it's not gross! We're not… Don't you dare think for… well… shut up!" Dirk scratched his head, and motioned for Tuck to keep going. "Oh, well, um… Yes, I want to go to Wondergrip to see my friend, Parse. He's an archaeologist." The brakes screamed as the train came to an abrupt halt. "A what? An archer apology-ist? What's that?" The two began walking, finding a nearby hatch and making their way outside. "No, you oaf. An archaeologist. He digs up old things." Tuck checked to see if Dirk understood. "Oh. My dog does that."

The area surrounding Wondergrip is rather sparse, yellow grass unfolding over rolling hills as far as the eye can see, with a grey line of mountains on the horizon. Occasionally, one can see an oddly shaped birch tree lazing in the distance. The most prominent feature of the area, however, is the billow of thick black smoke that eats the sky. There are no birds chirping, only the sound of helical gears whirring and whining as they come into mesh, the constant buzz of electricity and the occasional hiss of a steam machine exhaling. Tuck turned to face Dirk with a wide grin on his face and opened his arms wide: "This, my dear friend, is the magnificent city of Wondergrip." Tuck looked around, taking in the scenery a second time: just as bleak. "It's hum… it's uh. Nice. I think? Did we come out of season? You do notice theres nothing here, right?" Tuck laughed, leaning against a small stump: the only cut tree in the area. "You silly, silly ogre. You see, we Gnome are a small folk: we're smart, but slow, and not exactly the muscly type. The rodents around here are large enough and vicious enough to present even a problem! Thus, we- the gnomes, the advanced beings we are- live beneath the danger." With this, he pressed his hand down on the stump and the ground shook: dust sifted and swirled as a chasm opened in front of them, revealing a small metal staircase that descended into the darkness.

"So, how did you do that? Back there? With the door opening?" Tuck stopped, turning to Dirk and appearing very serious. "If I told you, ogre, I'd have to kill you." With that he turned and kept walking, "It's my glove, it's a Wondergrip glove: how we got our name. They're interesting gadgets. They are quite useful for-" Dirk panicked: "Don't tell me this! I'm too young… I have a family… I mean… Don't… Please!" He was shaking visibly, and the gnome laughed at the shivering ogre. What an odd sight, he thought. "Dirk, Dirk. Calm down. I was joking. The glove is no big secret. Every Wondergrip gnome has one: and thus, entrance to the city. Typically we don't bring guests other than elves, but it's not because we're not hospitable! It's just… well, Parse tried to bring a mud troll in once. He got jammed in the doorway and it took us hours to get him out. The rest of you are too big! You're lucky you're only quarter ogre. You're a regular mutt, you know. The elf in you gives you the size, or lack thereof, to enter our city… painlessly."

Once the duo reached the end of what seemed to be a staircase, they met with a small metal door and a small red button on the wall beside it. Tuck walked up and pressed the button, leaning closely to the wall. The wall spoke in a fuzzy, static voice: "Tuck? Was that your glove? It's been so long."

"Parse! You're on door duty? Quite the coincidence, I'm here to see you. I've a friend with me, name's Dirk." The wall buzzed to life again: "Welcome, Dirk! Tuck, is he going to end up like Feldt? I felt terrible about that poor troll for weeks." The door slid open quietly and the city of Wondergrip overtook them: a blinding green light followed by the hustle and bustle of a million little gnomes running back and forth. Pillars of steel rose up and wires hung from the ceiling: connectors, gears and pipes swirled about pumping vigorously like the arteries of a single, massive being. The city of Wondergrip was much more impressive than the surface. A tiny gnome stood off to their left, seemingly the only other one not moving. "Hello Tuck! And hum, Duck? No, Tirk! Or was it… well- what are you?" Parse was taller than Tuck, and sported a short, grey beard and tiny square glasses: a very typical appearance for a gnome. "I'm… I'm Dirk. Not… erm, any of those. And I'm an ogre." Parse laughed, confused. "No, you're not. Ogres don't fit in Wondergrip. Also, ogres eat gnomes. I've not been eaten and thus: you're not an ogre." Dirk began explaining himself, but Tuck cut him off: "His mother was an elf, and his father was a half-human, half-ogre. He's mostly elf. Dirk Stammer, of the Gondu tribe of ogres."

"I'm an ogre! A real ogre. Sure… I've got different blood but I'm most like an ogre!" Parse nodded, "Sure you are. Quite terrifying. Anyways, Tuck, I'll be on the door for a few more ticks of the clock, so feel free to show our elf friend around the city, and then make your way around to my house! Toodles!"

Dirk bit his lip: "I'm an Ogre!"

Reviews

[TopHatGirl]

*deep breath*
Okay.
Thing that you need to fix RIGHT NOW: Every time a new person speaks, you need to start a new paragraph.
You wrote: "Just hold on, you insufferable twit. It's not a trap. You fell into the engine room and now I've got to climb down there and save your arse… once again. I should start charging you." Dirk's alarm didn't cease as he flailed about wildly; smashing into his breathing, hardware prison. "That doesn't explain my legs! Help!" Tuck propped himself in the hole and prepared for the fall: "One… two… You know I hate you, right?" Dirk laughed, "It was your idea to come here," he paused, "and I can see your arse."

You SHOULD have wrote:
"Just hold on, you insufferable twit. It's not a trap. You fell into the engine room and now I've got to climb down there and save your arse… once again. I should start charging you." Dirk's alarm didn't cease as he flailed about wildly; smashing into his breathing, hardware prison.
"That doesn't explain my legs! Help!" Tuck propped himself in the hole and prepared for the fall:
"One… two… You know I hate you, right?"
Dirk laughed, "It was your idea to come here," he paused, "and I can see your arse."


What I do like about this story:
It's fantasy and yet, I still like it. I usually hate anything that's not in modern, normal, times. I also like your word phrasing, such as 'The elf in you gives you the size, or lack thereof, to enter our city… painlessly'. I have never had the opportunity to use the phrase 'or lack thereof'. For that, I envy you.
Your conjunctions are adequate, with awkward dialogue in the beginning. But your descriptions are fantastic; nothing to worry about there.
You don't need the colon in the last sentence, a comma is just fine.
"...pumping vigorously like the arteries of a single, massive being." Beautifully worded there, you're very good at that.

For the dialogue, I think that you need to speak it aloud to yourself. It just sounds stiff and forced, especially in the beginning.

Oh, gosh. I hope that didn't sound too mean. Don't take it personally, just trying to help. Overall, it's a great beginning.

~TopHatGirl

[Bridgette's Ink]

This is intriguing. I like it. :)

[Sunni Davis]

I LOVE this! I was pulled in from the start and hooked right away. Its whimsical and full of adventure. I like your characters, Tuck especially. Nicely written!

[SoulCrusader (Yas)]

Good going so far, gonna be intersting as to what happens in part 2 for sure.

[WordNerd]

WOW amazing story! I love the suspense =]