Something is wrong

poem

Something is wrong

When you said your goodbyes
without looking me in the eyes,
my pride had to play along.
So ofcourse, something was wrong.

I wished faith could carry me away,
that by love hearts could sway,
but it wasn't where i should belong.
Something was awfully wrong.

Then It didn't matter who was who,
even when it was me and you.
I learned how to be strong
and yet something was just wrong.

Three years of doing this and that,
yet in every place i set at,
I clench when i hear our song.
Something is still wrong.

Author's Note

reviews are welcomed

Reviews

[bluessadmood]

this is so beautifully done..certainly something is wrong when its goodbye
even if i try to stand my place and take what may come
even if i stay strong and never waver,something is wrong
when i sit and think of whats past..when i hear the song
sweet music where i used to belong ,always knew something was wrong
so beautiful writing..full of sweet longing even if something was all wrong
lovely write..

[eliasstone]

what is right?

[Masaking]

Nice job! Xd

[Patches I'm not so new..]

loved the rythem of the piece the message wasn't bad either this iswell written and vivid poem I enjoyed the read!

[Rory CJ Frankson]

A lovely poem and the rythme carries gracefully, accenting your Rhyme. A step away and the dance arrives... in Cadence. This no never a critisizm, a point to the great whirling dance of poetry. The timing and arrival of the flavour of poetic diction, its meter of versification... to come to a sharp or quiet ebb and flow... smooth or brutal. As I do hear the music here, (smile)
[I clench when i hear our song. ---- Something is still wrong.]

This piece so close, as there is in some Poets. A reliance in structure of Rhyme, to arrive at the ending of the composed measure of the line. Hense, the whole continuing stanza relies on that Rythme. There is a whole element in poetry that isnt about rhyme, but in the placing of consonants and vowels. It is the half that brings to the dance, cadence measure, sublties in the movement. Close, to writing lyrics.

When read in performance, the read sings its contours. It's rise and fall, is those understanding which parts of the chosen wordage has hard or soft phrasing. Now combine those Rhythmic elements like creating a spell. Conjure the Rhyme. Harmony, is the result and the sound passing the ear is so pleased. We soar, if the poems holds significant meaning... it become immortal. Such is the bliss to be captured, by the throws of ART...

[M.Kilani]

Beautiful !! there's a typo "ofcourse" but I don't mind it .. no poem has to be perfect !!
still I really wish this was longer !!

[Havatara]

I loved the message of this poem and the way you used your words. There were some grammatical things that need to be edited, but they weren't big. Good job and keep writing.

[FlawedByDesign]

I like the reinforcing statement of "something is wrong" at the end of each stanza. it helps to burn the story and the message, you're trying to get across, into the mind of the reader.

The rhyming couplets complement the piece quite well.

Well done.

[r]

I love this poem, it's amazingly beautiful. I love the last stanza the most: "Three years of doing this and that,///yet in every place i set at,///I clench when i hear our song.///Something is still wrong." It's a sorrowed and amazing poem. :)

[Su' Nacnetaf]

I specially liked the first stanza, pretty and somewhat sad.

[Romeion Case]

:-) the complexity of human relationships captured in four stanzas. :-) *sigh