spirit

poem

Spirit


I don’t know where to begin.
I’m a human asking for too much,
nothing but flesh dressed in skin
wanting more than to see and touch.

I took air for granted by being ungrateful.
So graceless, empty and weak.
I stole your right to be, as I was hateful.
When I drowned in tears, I started to seek.

I saw that you wiped your sweat as you ate,
while barely standing on your feet.
Your unbreakable spirit was so great,
which to my heart was a treat.

While you kept smiling to go on,
I’ve counted all the tears I’ve shed.
I tried giving you a shoulder to cry on,
but ended up crying on yours instead.

Author's Note

reviews r welcomed~
*Edited.

Reviews

[alesuriko]

Interesting read. Your grammar bugged me a bit, like "I stole your right to be, hateful" there really shouldn't be a comma before hateful. It doesn't fit or flow at all and it disrupts and distracts the reader from the flow. Also, I didn't care much for the size changing in the lines, it's distracting as well. Other things... you spelled "ungrateful" wrong in the first line of the second stanza. Also, your line in the first stanza "nothing but flesh dressed in skin" seems weird and awkward to me because flesh is another word for skin...

Other than that though, good expression of emotion in this piece.

When I read this it was like you were comparing two people in the same situation. Each of them dealt with the situation in a different way; one faking an emotion and the other letting it out. The ending was kinda nice though with the narrator getting to cry on the other person's shoulder for comfort.

[Cristal Bridges]

This is nice! It actually describes a deeper feeling than what one can see on the surface! Like everyone else has said, this has a great flow and rhyme. I love all the words you've used. It's tangable. :) Nice job.

[Tainted Devotion]

Very nice. Nice rhyme flow and good word choices. Like it a lot. :)

[Senseless whatever]

Good write. Pretty good flow and not hard to follow.

[SamBug]

Awe. I liked this a lot. You had great rhyme scheme and it flowed perfectly. Great job!!

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

Relationships are bout balance... that doesn't always mean equal giving for usually two together are opposites complimenting each other... very nicely expressed... open and honest... admitting weakness to me is a show of strength.

[Iota]

I think this is telling me that being strong all time can shut someone dear out of my life. Yet at the same time it is good to have a strong spirit. Seeing this in someone must bring about wonderful feelings.

I do think you could have taken this one a little further and dug a little deeper into it. Nice write.

[Undying Glory]

this is very intriguing work, and we all know the sheer power of the human spirit.
"You wiped your sweat as you ate,
While barely standing on your feet.
Your unbreakable spirit is so great,
Which to my heart is a treat."
those are epic words. i recall many men and women with such spirits, and i hope that all of us can be like them. the only thing i thought was a bit of a snag was that you misspelled "i've", or was that deliberate? anyway good job

[FlawedByDesign]

Really nice depiction of mortality with, "flesh dressed in skin". Seems to me like it's a one-sided relationship between the 2 people in question and there's nothing worse than not having your feelings reciprocated.

I think the line, "You wiped your sweat as you ate" is a little corny and does not fit. It makes it seem like you put it in there just to rhyme with great. I'm sure you can do better :D

All in all, nicely done.