spirit

poem

Spirit


I don’t know where to begin.
I’m a human asking for too much,
nothing but flesh dressed in skin
wanting more than to see and touch.

I took air for granted by being ungrateful.
So graceless, empty and weak.
I stole your right to be, as I was hateful.
When I drowned in tears, I started to seek.

I saw that you wiped your sweat as you ate,
while barely standing on your feet.
Your unbreakable spirit was so great,
which to my heart was a treat.

While you kept smiling to go on,
I’ve counted all the tears I’ve shed.
I tried giving you a shoulder to cry on,
but ended up crying on yours instead.

Author's Note

reviews r welcomed~
*Edited.

Reviews

[alesuriko]

Interesting read. Your grammar bugged me a bit, like "I stole your right to be, hateful" there really shouldn't be a comma before hateful. It doesn't fit or flow at all and it disrupts and distracts the reader from the flow. Also, I didn't care much for the size changing in the lines, it's distracting as well. Other things... you spelled "ungrateful" wrong in the first line of the second stanza. Also, your line in the first stanza "nothing but flesh dressed in skin" seems weird and awkward to me because flesh is another word for skin...

Other than that though, good expression of emotion in this piece.

[Andrew Schecker]

I like the rhythm of this poem and the message. Gives one the understanding that any true relationship requires both parties to be able to rely on each other for anything.

My one qualm is with line three. aren't "skin" and "flesh" pretty much the same thing? If I understand correctly, skin is part of flesh. I could be wrong though.

[Cherrie Palmer]

Ean , this is very good: nice flow, easy rhyme, and pace. I enjoyed reading it.

[KatiePie]

"Nothing but flesh dressed in skin,"
and
"I tried giving you a shoulder to cry on,
But ended up crying on yours instead."

Were my favorite lines :)

I actually think that it takes a lot of strength to be there for someone and hold their world up just long enough for them to learn to hold it up on their own, but I think that it takes even more strength to trust in the foundation you helped them build and give them your all, every last emotion and tear you have stored up in you, because yea, it hurts, but its the best thing for you, sometimes a shoulder to cry on is the sweetest remedy.
-Cathrine

[Coyote Poetry]

When we mistreat our spirit. It take times to repair. Sometime we must give to receive. I like the ending. The spirit of human being is very delicate. The description and story was outstanding.
Coyote

[Romeion Case]

*nice

[Romeion Case]

moce job.

[AJChallenger]

I like the idea, but it's very sing-songy, which is caused by the rhyming and the close amount of syllables in each line.

**NOTE. My policy on reviews has changed. I will be happy to review on or two pieces of work, but will do no more without compensation. People are payed to do this kind of thing, don't think you'll get free editing from me.

[JustWantLove]

Very nice, beautiful!

[Huggy Bear]

Power piece:)

[Mauricio Montoya]

Poetry is an art and here in this piece you've displayed that.
Nice work.