I don’t know where to begin. I’m a human asking for too much, nothing but flesh dressed in skin wanting more than to see and touch.
I took air for granted by being ungrateful. So graceless, empty and weak. I stole your right to be, as I was hateful. When I drowned in tears, I started to seek.
I saw that you wiped your sweat as you ate, while barely standing on your feet. Your unbreakable spirit was so great, which to my heart was a treat.
While you kept smiling to go on, I’ve counted all the tears I’ve shed. I tried giving you a shoulder to cry on, but ended up crying on yours instead.
Interesting read. Your grammar bugged me a bit, like "I stole your right to be, hateful" there really shouldn't be a comma before hateful. It doesn't fit or flow at all and it disrupts and distracts the reader from the flow. Also, I didn't care much for the size changing in the lines, it's distracting as well. Other things... you spelled "ungrateful" wrong in the first line of the second stanza. Also, your line in the first stanza "nothing but flesh dressed in skin" seems weird and awkward to me because flesh is another word for skin...
Other than that though, good expression of emotion in this piece.
"I took air for granted by being ungrateful" and "I tried giving you a shoulder to cry on, but ended up crying on yours instead" were the lines I felt had much more strength in this writing. Good poem.
Another great piece. :] I have to say, the first thing that jumped out at me was the use of "flesh dressed in skin." Simply because - to me, at least - 'flesh' and 'skin' are synonymous. Perhaps 'body dressed in flesh' or something. Again, might just be me.
"So graceless, empty and weak." Love that line.
Another line that stands out to me is the ""I saw that you wiped your sweat as you ate." It seems to step away from the flow of the poem. The rest of it seems to be about stealing the beauty of someone else in a way? And it's almost like you had the "Your unbreakable spirit was so great" (another great line), but wanted to find something to rhyme with it....? Again. Might just be me.
I hope I'm helping. Heh. Overall, another fantastic piece for the collection!
DAMN GOOD POEM. This is the type of poetry I've been trying to write and thought I was doing a good job, until you showed me this wonderful piece. Great work.
Interesting read. Your grammar bugged me a bit, like "I stole your right to be, hateful" there really shouldn't be a comma before hateful. It doesn't fit or flow at all and it disrupts and distracts the reader from the flow. Also, I didn't care much for the size changing in the lines, it's distracting as well. Other things... you spelled "ungrateful" wrong in the first line of the second stanza. Also, your line in the first stanza "nothing but flesh dressed in skin" seems weird and awkward to me because flesh is another word for skin...
Other than that though, good expression of emotion in this piece.
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