Vanilla cloud

poem

Vanilla cloud

 

There is absolutely nothing I hate

More than standing out in a crowd.

I would rather just read or wait

And daydream on a vanilla cloud.

 

My path is very simple and straight,

I want to speak to my heart out-loud.

Did the world somehow become late?

I cannot hear a single sound.

 

I lose the track of time, so proud,

Existing here by a mood-swing of fate.

My body breathes this air because it’s allowed,

While my mind drifts, since freedom is great.

 

 

Author's Note

reviews are welcomed.

Reviews

[Patches I'm not so new..]

I liked this kinda whimsical and light hearted but well written thaks for the "cloud-ride!"

[Su' Nacnetaf]

Interesting, the way you described it all makes me ponder, though I'm not sure I get the true meaning, rather than trying to find it, I'll start pondering about many things tonight. Excellent writing.

[mirabella]

I love the idea of a 'vanilla cloud'. :) Perfect image.

[Undying Glory]

i like this a lot, and that's considering that i've always wanted to stand out, so this is a real new perspective for me, kudos on that. you've done a real good job here.
"I lose the track of time, so proud,
Existing here by a mood-swing of fate.
My body breathes this air because it’s allowed,
While my mind drifts, since freedom is great."
epic words...

[Iota]

Not standing out does has that touch of absolute freedom to it. It seems you have the ability to get lost within yourself no matter what the world around you is doing. Your poetry is awesome and style is just as great.

Unique! Very well done. I like the way you express yourself in your work!

[Wicahpi]

Now I'm singing "Vanilla Sky" by Owl City
I don't like standing out in a crowd either.
Nicely expressed. Good job

[Steve]

nice. This is real poetry. Some here just write whatever....but this is thoughtfully done.

[Clarisse Nanoit]

I would love this so much more if there was some more imagery and less filler words. I hate the last stanza, if I'm being outright. I mean, it's ok, but it just feels fake to me--like you were trying to wrap up the poem. I must say that the rest of it is pretty good, though the second stanza could be made more dimensional. For example:
"My path is simple, nice and straight,
I want to speak to my heart out loud.
(I'm not really sure what to do with the third line and Idk what you mean by "become late" Did you mean that you just realized you don't know what's going on around you cuz you're in your own world/it seems the world around you has stopped? If so, I would recommend saying something a little more like: 'How can I face a world so great
from high upon my vanilla cloud?'

Course, that's just me trying to give you an example of what I mean by dimensional. Hope it helps. I would run more with the vanilla cloud theme. It could do SOO much for this poem. I suggest increasing the length of the piece, too. You could take this idea to some COOL places. I enjoyed reading. Thanks for sharing. Hope I didn't seem too harsh.
KH

[PhantomDancer]

Neat theme and a good length. Nice work!